Adventures in Relic News

[Nanor]

First, glance at this (http://forums.tigsource.com/index.php?PHPSESSID=qiggj3i04a71imduajftvb4uk5&topic=243.0) to get what's going on.

You are in a small room. In front of you is a steel door that has been spot-welded. Above you is a ventilation shaft.

What would you like to do?

>

[SquidDNA]

I thought "You are eaten by a grue" before even clicking on the link.

[Robert Frazer]

>Parser does not recognise verb "I". Parser also suggests that Zork gags are old hat.

>What would you like to do?

>Examine shaft.

[Starblade]

>The shaft is covered by a grate, but it looks flimsy.

>What would you like to do?

>Inventory.

[SquidDNA]

> You are carrying
> LOCKGUN
> CAN OF WHIPPED TOPPING
> FUZZY HANDCUFFS
> BELGIAN ARMY KNIFE
> AMMO CLIP FOR LOCKGUN

> Look walls

[Silver_Wolf#]

>whips out 2 gigawatt laser
>proceeds to blow new door.

[Starblade]

>You do not have object "2 gigawatt laser".

>Walls are stainless steel. The southern wall has a painting of a sad clown on it. It is sad.

>What do you want to do?

[Rafta]

>Take out whipped topping and paint happy tiem face for clown.

>A sekkrit door opens. It looks very sekkrit and sinister!

>What do you want to do?

[Silver_Wolf#]

>Go into door.
>Come back bright red saying half stunned "Damn coed bathrooms".

[Cable]

> "Go into door" isn't a recognised expression.

> Stare longingly at sekkrit door in wonder.

> What do you want to do?

[Rafta]

>You take the rest of whipped topping and put it on your head.

>You enter the door and ready yor lockgun, which uses keys as ammunition which are feeded through a "keychain" which makes it a Chaingun.

>Classic Doom music starts and you hear growling sounds from the dark.

>What do you want to do?

[Robert Frazer]

>Help

>Welcome to "Adventures in Relic News"! You can navigate our riveting and exciting world of deadly danger and exhilerating escapades utilising a very simple verb parser familiar to all text adventures, MUDs, and interactive fiction. Simply enter a compass point to travel into the next location in that direction (e.g. "South", "West", or "Up"), or, to execute an action, cite a verb and the object in the environment that you wish to perform that action upon (e.g. "examine tree", "wear whipped topping", "wield lockgun" or "kill leprechaun"). With this straightforward but versatile method, you can truly immerse yourself in the captivating spirit of exploration!

>ALL REFERENCES TO GRUES SUBJECT TO PENDING LEGAL HEARING WITH INFOCOM, INC. SOLICITORS, HAVING BLACK PITS OF BITTER FLINTY COAL DARKNESS IN PLACE OF HEARTS, ARE LIKELY TO BE EATEN BY THEM, FROM THE INSIDE OUT, LIKE GROTESQUE CHESTBURSTERS.

>What do you want to do?

>examine room

[BmB]

Sword Monkey will go mental. Isn't this a boardwar, essentially?

[Nurizeko]

You are in a small room. In front of you is a steel door that has been spot-welded. Above you is a ventilation shaft.

What would you like to do?

>


>█

>Roll 3d6█

Rolling

535942-8-548-4184-57+653522+555(5747%)

= [ 6 ] + [ 6 ]

You roll 2 sixes!

On a roll of 2 sixes all metallic objects around you are turned into cake.

The door and ventilation system turn into Black Forest gateau

What would you like to do?

>█


>Sit down and eat cake.█

You sit down to eat cake.

!RANDOM EVENT!

The cake turned into a Grue. You were eaten.


>█

>........................█

>/run quit

Thankyou for playing

[closing]

�

[Cable]

> Above actions require time machine. Inventory holds no time machine.

> Examine room

> The room behind the sekkrit door is circular in shape and there is a podium in the middle. There is an empty beer bottle on first place, a peanut on second place and a Rolex forgery on third place. The room's decoration consists of baby blue wallpaper with gold stars every three metres. There is an oblong-shaped door on the North Wall.

> What do you want to do?

[BmB]

> The room behind the sekkrit door is circular in shape and there is a podium in the middle. There is an empty beer bottle on first place, a peanut on second place and a Rolex forgery on third place. The room's decoration consists of baby blue wallpaper with gold stars every three metres. There is an oblong-shaped door on the North Wall.

> What do you want to do?

>Use door

[Starblade]

>The door opens. Going through the door reveals a perfectly white room. There are three other doors, one to each wall. The doors are numbered 7, 13, and -42. There appears to be only one other thing in the room other than the doors; a wooden chair. There is another peanut on it.

>What do you want to do?

[Sword_Monkey]

>Move to thread to Boardwars.

[Nanor]

>You remove a piece thread from your underwear and it on the wooden chair which you call "Boardwars"

>What do you want do

[Gorb]

>Move through door number 13.

>Wish self good luck, as self is superstitious.

[Nanor]

No door number 13 exists. The peanut spontaneously combusts.

>

[CoatedTrout]

>Get peanut ash.

[Cable]

>You stride over to the peanut ash and find to your dismay that the chair has sprung into life and is baring its sharp, wooden teeth at you, protecting the ash.

>What would you like to do?

[SquidDNA]

>Use knife on chair

[Raptor_Shadow]

>The chair bleeds profusely and screams, before falling dead silent.

>What would you like to do?

[Norsehound]

>Summon Sajuuk

>He Whose Hand Shapes What Is appears before you, laughs at your predicament, and smites you with The Lathe Of Sajuuk before disappearing through the floor in a convenient plot hole, leaving you more or less mangled from the left leg up.

>What would you like to attempt to do?

[Starblade]

Let's try and keep HW references and whatnot out of this. It's more fun that way.

>Get peanut ash.

>You get the peanut ash.

>Search chair corpse.

[Cable]

>You search the mangled corpse of the death-chair and find the following: 2 rusty nails, a small fishing rod made of vanilla ice cream and a manual on the operation of a vending machine.

>You look around the room; there are the two remaining doors, 7 and -42 and the oblong door you came through.

>What would you like to do?

[Riess]

> Eat rusty nail

[Norsehound]

>The nail combusts, leaving you without a head above the jaw

>What do you attempt to do?

[Moe]

> Ban Silver_Wolf#, BmB23 and Nurizeko from thread.

[BmB]

>You need a banstick to ban
>'Silver_Wolf#, BmB23 and Nurizeko' does not exist

>What do you want to do?

[NovaBurn]

> You regain your thoughts, ignoring some flashes about a nail and a stick, and remember the doors that lie ahead of you. Cautiously you choose door number 7. You grip the handle slowly and open the door. Ahead of you the room opens up into an idyllic forest with within a large chamber. In the center stands a large tree with a note attached to it. Surrounding the tree is a grove of various planets and greenery one would normally see in a forest. Beyond the tree and to your left and right are another two doors and directly behind the tree appears to be the remnants of an old bookshelf.

> What do you do?

[Cable]

> You advance slowly on the tree and snatch the note from the bark. The note reads this:

Notice.

While you are reading this there is a man in one of the tree's high above you where he is taking your photograph. He will then make a wee model of you and put it with the other wee models of other people and then play weird games with them.

> What would you like to do?

[Norsehound]

>Throw ice cream fishing rod into tree

[BmB]

>you throw the ice cream fishing rod into the tree, it clunks off a few branches and finally comes to rest on an unreachable branch.

>what do you want to do?

[Nanor]

>extract sap from tree

[Deionarra]

> The tree picks up a broken shelf from the bookcase and hits you on the head.

> You lose consciousness.

> The tree takes your knife and eats it.

> What would you like to do?

[Nanor]

>regain conciousness

[Norsehound]

>You regain consciousness to the sound of the tree laughing at you in a mocking tone. You feel sad.

>What do you attempt to do?

>Look at Vending machine manual.

[AMARDA]

> Tree snatches Vending Machine Manual off you.

> What do you wish to do?

[BmB]

>talk tree

[Hiroshi_Tea]

>sorry, cannot comply

>user must exist to input.

>BmB23 doesn't not match any existing user names

>what would you like to do?

[BmB]

>talk tree

What the hell?

[AMARDA]

> As previously stated, BmB23 does not match any known user name.

> What would you like to do?

[Cable]

>Cannot comply

>User must exist to input.

>BmB23 doesn't not match any existing user names

>What would you like to do?

[Aron_DeTomado]

>Create BmB23

[Hiroshi_Tea]

>BmB23 is a duplicate account of Aron_DeTomado

>ionfish has banned account BmB23

(jesting of course :p)

>What would you like to do?

[Cable]

>Error - System does not recognise "BmB23".

A problem has been detected and Adventures in RelicNews has been shut down to prevent any damage to your computer.

The problem seems to have been caused by the following file: airn.exe

PAGE_FAULT_IN_NONEPAGED_AREA

If this is the first time you've seen this stop error screen, restart your computer. If this screen appears again, take the following steps:

Check to make sure any hardware or sofrtware is correctly installed. If this is a new installation, ask your hardware or software manager if there are any updates you may need.

if problems continue, disable or remove any newly installed hardware or software, disable BIOS memory options such as caching or shadowing. if you need to restart your computer in safe mode to remove or disable components, restart your computer and press F8 to select Advanced Startup Options, and then select safe mode.

>What would you like to do?

[KON Air]

>Format C:

Are you want to format Drive C:? This will cause the disk to be formatted, which will erase all the data including the p0rn archives and all the Mp3s... as well as this game and all other games.

(Y)es/(N)o/(M)aybe

>M

Oh, well, formatting is not the answer for every technical error but it still a sure way to fix things... most of the time. After all it is like fresh start for your computer. But you lose all your data. Well, if you really want to format then go ahead.

I won't be heart broken unlike other computers. After all I am just a computer. Your computer.

Are you sure want to format Drive C:?

(Y)es/(N)o

[Norsehound]

N

>Enter input

>Take computer

>You pick up computer with your amazing aperture device

>What would you like to attempt to do?

>Put computer in Aperture Intelligence Incinerator

>The computer screams as it is consumed in the Aperture intelligence incinerator.

>What would you like to attempt to do?

>Play RELIC

>Adventures In RELIC begins to run in your mind

>What would you like to attempt to do?

<Ok, no otherworldly references, but this was too good to pass up>

[Dauntless]

> Use on topic-potion

[AMARDA]

> We are already on topic, please enter valid action.

> Look Tree.

[Hiroshi_Tea]

>talk tree

[Starblade]

>Talk tree.

>The tree gives you a rude gesture, and then said some unkind things about your mother. It then slapped you upside the head, turned you around, and shoved you back through the door. You hear a soft click as it locks behind you.

>What do you want to do?

[AMARDA]

> Kick door.

[BmB]

>The door is made from solid oak, you do not have sufficient strenght to knock it down.

>what do you want to do?

[Jianaran]

>Hack NORAD

EDIT: Yay! 1000th post!

[BoDyBaG2224]

>You hack into NORAD and recieve three options:
>Call Chuck Norris
>Call Burger King
>Call a fluffy bunny

>What do you do?

[BmB]

>Call Burger King

[Void]

>Burger King puts you on hold.

>What do you want to do?

[Jianaran]

>Dethrone Burgermeister

>You have been appointed Burgermeister.

>What do you want to do?

[Sir Plasma]

>You have been appointed Burgermiester

>Make Burger out of WHIPPED CREAM.

>WHIPPED CREAM is used up.

>Inventory.

[MagosMechanicus]

>You are carrying
> LOCKGUN
> FUZZY HANDCUFFS
> AMMO CLIP FOR LOCKGUN
> 1 RUSTY NAIL
> PEANUT ASH
> WHIP-CREAM BURGER

>You are on hold(!) with a BURGER KING where you have been appointed BURGERMEISTER. The job of a neglected official is pissing you off. Meanwhile, DOOR -42 is still invitingly untested.

>What do you want to do?
> Open DOOR -42

[Shoota Fodder]

>Door -42 leads into a hypercube (4 dimensional cube) shaped room. You feel confused.

> What do you do?

[Illiandri]

> Walk forwards

>You come across yourself

>What do you do?

[runab0ut]

> Slap other self

[Illiandri]

>Other self pulls out a stick and hits you with it while yelling in Aramaic

>What do you do?

[Promythyus]

>Pulls out Fuzzy Handcuffs and Strangles other Self whilst yelling in Mandarin

[Hiroshi_Tea]

> you do not know how to speak Mandarin

> please choose another language

[Jianaran]

>Learn MANDARIN
>Learning MANDARIN proves difficult. You should consult with the wise old man in ROOM-40.

[hiddensmoke]

> Cannot consult with old man at current time. You are to busy choking yourself

>Please choose another action

[runab0ut]

> stop choking self
>You stop choking yourself... you are breathing heavily.
> What do you want to do?

[Sir Plasma]

>Error:Was not choking self, was choking other self. Other self is already dead.

>You cannot learn to speak Mandarin.

>Leave Room -40

[Norsehound]

>You pass through the door out of room -40 only to plummet down an endless abyss, from which there is no escape.

>What would you like to attempt to do?

[Jianaran]

> Cease plummeting.

>You cannot cease plummeting. Newton is dragging you down.

>Use Rusty Nail on wall.

>You have hammered the Rusty Nail into a wall.

>Use Fuzzy Handcuffs on wall.

>Your descent has been arrested.

[Norsehound]

>Look area

>You suddenly realize that the wall you tried to nail yourself to, in fact, does not exist, and you resume plummeting. It is a comfortable plummet.

>Use Rusty nail on self

>You have stabbed yourself with the explosive rusty nail and suddenly realize you are in a lot of pain.

>use Fuzzy Handcuffs on discomfort.

>Logic suddenly implodes at the improbability of your last statement and after a flash of light, you find yourself in the middle of a wide grass field during a clear, pleasant day.

[Silver_Wolf#]

>wakes up near Norse on the field...
>stunned says "aww fuck... I didn't think that bottle of Alexandrion was that strong.."
>runs for his life.

[Lomax]

>look field

>The green and sunny grass field reminds you of a romantic painting. Little rabbits are happily hopping about and you think you can spot two rabbits copulating in a flower patch. In the middle of the field you can see a big, old oak and in its shade you see an old asian-looking man, who is sitting in full lotus position with his eyes closed, breathing calmly.

>kil man

'kil' is an unknown command.

>kill man

What weapon do you want to kill the wise old man with?

>lockgun

The lockgun's shot blows the wise old man's head off. A fountain of blood is watering the big, gnarly roots of the oak. The rabbits flee at the sudden loud noise, except for the copulating pair.

[CoatedTrout]

>Realise that you have extreme schizophrenia.

[Shoota Fodder]

>What would you like to do now?

> Looks at copulating pair of rabits.

[Illiandri]

>kick copulating pair

>What do you do now?

[Sir Plasma]

>Cannot kick rabbits. There seems to be some sort of force field. Your foot hurts.

>Stop look rabbits

>You somehow manage to stop looking at the copulating rabbits.

>What do you want to do?

[Norsehound]

>go north

>You go over the hills and far away in a northernly direction to end up at pretty much the same patch of pleasant grass field that you were in previously, minus the headless Asian man you ruthlessly seem to have killed in the last few posts

>What would you like to attempt to do?

>Pick grass

>You have now earned a handful of grass due to your effort

>Use peanut ash on grass

>You now have a handful of peanut ash and grass blades

>Use peanut grass and grass on whip cream burger

>You have combined the ingredients to make the most deadly form of sandwhich known to man.

>What would you like to attempt to do?

>Drop burger

>You drop the most deadly form of sandwitch known to man on the ground.

>Wait

>After a period of no more than five minutes, the copulating bunnies nibble on the burger and suddenly explode, transforming themselves into a fully functional jet aircraft fueled by the impossibility of this statement.

>What would you like to attempt to do?

[Teledahn]

>Use Rusty Nail on Jet Aircraft

[Hiroshi_Tea]

>jet eats rusty nail and burps

>you no longer have the rusty nail

>what do you want to do?

[Kapyrna]

>use wrench on jet

[Norsehound]

>Wrench is not in inventory

>What do you want to attempt to do?

>Feed rabbits to jet

>The jet happily munches on the bunnies and becomes nonhostile to your intentions

>Pet Jet

>You pet the jet's aluminum exterior and it becomes your friend.

>Board Jet

>You are now in the plane. There are two buttons and a control yoke. The buttons are marked 'Stop' and 'go.'

>Press Go.

>You find yourself suddenly airborne and over the ocean, the plane having deduced that the 'Go' button means you wish to start your journey away from the boring fields that are slowly being infested with exponentially multiplying Leporidae.

[BmB]

>Wrench is not in inventory

>What do you want to attempt to do?

>Feed rabbits to jet

>There are no rabbits nearby, they have all either fled or turned into giant jets.

>What do you want to do?

[Splitstar]

> Use Fuzzy Handcuffs on Flight Attendant.

> You jump back from pain clutching your face.

> You now retain a hand imprint upon your face, permanently.

> Jump from plain without parachute

[Homdax]

> Air speed is picking up

> Haystack visible on the far below ground

>What would you like to do?

[Busby]

>Jump from Plane.

>Which Plane would you like to jump from?

>Z plane.

>You leave the Z plane and are now 2D, what would you like to do now?

[Sir Plasma]

>Drift downwards.

>Inventory

[Hiroshi_Tea]

> your inventory has:

> fuzzy handcuffs

> memory loss
> ... uh...

> end of list

> what would you like to do

[Sir Plasma]

>Your inventory is:
>LOCKGUN
>EMPTY AMMO CLIP FOR LOCKGUN
>FUZZY HANDCUFFS
>BELGIAN ARMY KNIFE

>What do you want to do?

>Land on ground

[Dauntless]

'land' unrecognized command.
You fall through the ground.
You continue to fall.
You ae not sure if you're feeling pain.
>What would you like to do?

[Norsehound]

>Ground is not a location as you are over water

>What would you like to attempt to do?

>Grow wings

>Since you do not have the blessings of your local dieties, this is impossible. For your efforts, they grant you winged shoes.

>Fly north.

>You fly north, passing over some appropriately convincing islands which impart a feeling of safety to you. A city is to the north.

>What what you like to attempt to do?

[Dauntless]

>fall

[snrjefe]

You have interfaced with the ground. Game over. Please try again.

[Imperial Honour]

>Roll 3d6 To Determine chance Of Ressurection
>Roll 4+2+3=9, Roll Failed, Roll Of 10 Required
>What Would You Like To Do?

[Sir Plasma]

>Not dead.

>Yes you are.

>Turned 2D in air, not dead.

[Promythyus]

> The Chaos Gods Open a Rift in the Warp, and You Fall Through, You Appear to be In "Hell"

> What Would you Like to Do?

[Shoota Fodder]

>Spank monkey.

[Dauntless]

>the nearest monkey appears to be highly toxic and will possible kill you. Request denied
>What would you like to do?

[AMARDA]

> Find a demon

[Imperial Honour]

>Option #1 - Kill Daemon (Requires 2d10 + 3d6)
>Option #2 - Pat Daemon
>Option #3 - Fall Through Chaos Warp Into RelicNews Forums
>Option #4 - Do Nothing

>What Would You Like to Do?

[Lomax]

>2

>You gently pat the demon on the head. He feels comforted and stops sobbing.

>*Insecure Demon now follows you*

[Promythyus]

>The Insecure Daemon Eats you in a Sudden fit of Hungryness.

> You are now inside the Daemon's Stomach, What do you do?

[Koozer]

> Examine stomach.

> It is filled with various bits of loyalist marines as well as the odd chocolate muffin fragment. you notice an orifice beneath you.

>What do you do?

[hiddensmoke]

> Grab chunk of Loyalist Marine and use it to dig to Orifice

> You dig your way to orifice and suddenly explode out of Insecure Daemon with a slight baked muffin smell

> Chunk of Loyalist Marine added to inventory

> What do you do?

[Mauro]

(Out of topic: I wanted to suggest a break-dance... But dunno if that would be recommendable. :screwy: )

[Norsehound]

Woa wait, if I was getting no-noed for Sajuuk, then where did these marines come from?

>Summon Sajuuk

>Sajuuk, He Whose Hand Shapes What Is, appears before you and commemorates your monumental escape from the insecure deamon. He then proceeds to laugh and smites the daemon with The Lathe before returning to the skies amidst friendly angels and a Chorus of peace. You are left with the feeling of satisfaction in his passing.

>What do you want to attempt to do?

[RaSchumann]

>load missile bays

>Your destroyer's missile bays have been loaded with four tactical nuclear missiles

>Fire missiles at teddy bear

[Busby]

>The spinning nuclear missile strikes the teddy bear in the head!
>It is bruised!
>The teddy bear has been knocked unconscious!

>What do you want to do now?

[JT145]

>Take teddy bear head off with knife

>Teddy bear head added to inventory

>Replace teddy bear head with loyalist marine chunk

[Promythyus]

>You are Hungry so you eat the teddy bear

> You no longer have the teddy

> What do you do now?

[Shoota Fodder]

>Raplacement Teddy Bear available. What do you want to do?

>Pick up Soul.

>Soul attempted to ban you. What do you want to do?

[Dauntless]

>Attempt to grasp how all this is possible
>Request denied. Possibly out of spite
>What would you like to do?

[Troubleshooter]

<ctrl> + <alt> + <del>

[Busby]

>You end task: Adventures in Relic News
>What you like to do now?

[RaSchumann]

>run airn.exe

[MagosMechanicus]

http://content.ytmnd.com/content/c/b/8/cb8e7110ee6f7aba35a74168b6f2b975.jpg
Welcome to Adventures in Relicnews.
A Textcellent Role-Playing Game/Forestry Simulator.
>New Game
>Load Game
New Game





You are in a small room. In front of you is a steel door that has been spot-welded. Above you is a ventilation shaft.

>What would you like to do?

[Ironwatsas]

>Activate laser Vision on door

>Door Melts

>A cell phone begins ringing

<ANSWER CELLPHONE Y/N>

>y

>Man on cellphone answers "BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!"

>Caller Id indicates number belongs to Kharn the Betrayer/Aprature Science Weighted Companion cube household

<WHAT DO YOU DO?>

[Busby]

>Summon Armok

>You cannot summon Armok. You have no arms and Armok requires at least one arm to be OK for sacrificial purposes.

>What would you like to do now?

[Ironwatsas]

>Activate laser vision on wall beyond door.

>Wall melts

>You are now in Eugene, Oregon

>You suddenly have a man crush on Soulblighter

>What do you do?

A: Come out of the closet and confess your true love for Soulblighter
B: Pretend to come out of the closet and pretend you love Soulblighter to gain the monetary benifits of domestic partnership
C: Ask Kharn for advice
D: Suddenly Keel over dead
F: Activate WTF drive!

[JT145]

<F