The officially unofficial WH40K joke thread ...

[Warbrother]

Ok im still stuck at work ... cant leave ... have game ... cant play (sigh). Entertain me. I'll get things rolling.

Q: How many Imperial Space Marines does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Four squads, a dreadnought, and a librarian: Two squads to make the initial drop assault and secure any strongpoints that can be used to gain a foothold on enemy territory. One squad with heavy weaponry to advance and barrage enemy reinforced locations with a withering hail of cover fire while the dreadnought is brought forward. The dreadnought to knock out any mounted weaponry or enemy armored vehicles and the fourth squad as sweepers to mop up any enemy flankers. meanwhile the librarian will protect the holy warriors of the immortal god-emperor from the mind ravaging powers of chaos ... hey wait a minute. Didnt this have something to do with a lightbulb? :D

[GreatSamaman]

Funny, but this belongs in the 40K discussion forum...:D

[Eye:of:Gehenna]

Here's a few old Ork jokes that have been passed down from generation to generation.

'Ow many humies does it take t' fix a Bolta'?
T'ree! One t' hold da screw driva', and two to GIT CRUSHED UNDA' MY CHOPPA!!

Why dids da squig crossed da road?
Ta' git squished by a tank!! GIT IT?!?!

What's is da deal wif' airloine peanuts?
Dey's is in a tiny bag dat I's can neva' open! So I's SHOOTS DA BAG UNTIL IT GIVES ME'S MY PEANUTS!!

I's 'll be 'ere all week, folks.

[theBlind]

EDIT: Disclaimer: this is meant as fun.

OK, I'm at home ... can do what I want ... don't have game ... have free time (grrr) ... Does that entertain you? :D

[Warbrother]

Of course not. Im not complaining. Just thought this might be a pleasant way to pass the time. 5:32 and counting.

[theBlind]

EDIT: Disclaimer: this is meant as fun.

See, it doesn't entertain me either. Not having the game at all while others do also does bad things to people. Me especially :D

[Warbrother]

Im not telling you your job but if you look at the original post it was concerning the video game not the TT version. And it has (so far) only concerned SM and Orcs ... so why did you move me? The intent was to divert myself (and others) who cannot play the game yet for various reasons.

[theBlind]

Sorry, I never intended to say anything against you or for you to take any offence.
I did not do a good job of conveying my humor, so I edited my posts and will stay quiet now.
No hard feelings from my side.

-theBlind

[Warbrother]

TheBlind:

No offense taken. Im just saying that sucks ... how long till your area gets it?

[Sir_DannO]

i laugh........cus the jokes are weak. :Slap:

[theBlind]

theBlind:

No offense taken. Im just saying that sucks ... how long till your area gets it?

Ahhh, If I'm lucky, it'll be the 24th. Thats if my store keeps their promise for that date, which is now *think* 2 days old. So I have some faith.
Then again, on the 1st I'll be moving and starting my studies again on the 4th, so having it like ... now :D ... would mean more days to play.

[Eye:of:Gehenna]

i laugh........cus the jokes are weak. :Slap:

Yeah, but mine suck intentionally.

[Mr Orc]

He stood on the bridge at mid-night his lips were all a-quiver his bolter went off, shoot off his leg and it floated down the river!

There was a young ork from surry who cooked up a large pot of curry, he ate the whole lot, straight from the pot and ran to the tap in a hurry!

[NovaBurn]

How many DoW forum newbs does it take to make a good joke?

None, because all their jokes suck.

[thesilent1]

How many Lootas does it take to use a plamsa cannon?

2, one to fire the gun, the other to get shot cause the gun was pointing the wrong way!!!

.......yeah, I know, I'll admit it, it sucks......

[Dimension]

how many sisters of battle does it take to screw in a light bulb?

601 to screw in the light bulb, and 59 to discuss how satisfying it was to suceed without calling in the thrice-damned marines

[Mephesto_Odium]

What's a Flayed One's favorite TV show?

Ginsu Knife Infomericals


If a man with a chainsaw can be considered a Lumberjack, what do you consider a Space Marine with a chainsword?

Dangerous


How many Sisters of Battle does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

1, but you have to find someone willing first.

[MusedMark]

A Possesed Marine walks into a bar/pub/club and asks for a double jack daniels.

The bartender says "im sorry,we dont serve spirits" .

ha ha ha ha ha

[Encyclopediac]

(rolls on floor, clutching stomach, laughing)
This should be saved in The Vault! Some
of these are classic! I mean it.

[Warbrother]

Better to try and fail than to hide behind sarcastic criticism. And thats no joke. Im not talking about the post directly above this one ... some of the more rude ones a bit back.

[Encyclopediac]

Im not critisicing - I think some of these are actually very good.

[Warbrother]

I said Im not talking about you Encyclopediac. There were a few fairly weak people in the beginning who chose to jump in with the "Im too cool for this so I will criticize it" attitude. Seriously I didnt mean you.

[Cailet]

Just as long as nobody tells the Black and White Space marine on a Black and White Bike joke.

A Black Templar and a Blood Angel jump off a cliff, which hits the ground first?

Who cares as long as they both do?

[Encyclopediac]

Sorry for the misunderstanding :)

[MobiusPrime]

Just as long as nobody tells the Black and White Space marine on a Black and White Bike joke.

A Black Templar and a Blood Angel jump off a cliff, which hits the ground first?

Who cares as long as they both do?


Hahaha. Good one.

How many Imperial Guardsmen does it take to kill a Necron Immortal?

One really lucky one

[thesilent1]

what do you call an Ork who goes to a Mad Dok to get a tooth removed?

very brave, and very stupid

[Dimension]

do you people make these up or something?

[thesilent1]

I do at least, I'm not sure about everyone else. Why? Are they good, or do they just suck?

[Dimension]

well, its not that they suck. but i only smiled twice.

mine was actually a converted joke, that originally dealt with lesbians and men (lesbians screw in a lightbulb, and discuss how great it was to do it without a man). the rest are so obvious, its like stating a fact.

[FlaringPain]

I got afew that i've stumbled accross:

How Many Imperial Guardsmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. There Lasguns work fine.

How many inquisitors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three. One to screw it in, one to outlaw lightbulbs, and one to deny the existence of lightbulbs.

An Ork, Space Marine and Eldar are walking down the road. They see a Chaos portal that has a sign on it. It says: 'say what is true or be sucked in'. The Space Marine says: "I think I'm the bravest" and walks past safely, the Eldar says: "I think I'm the most agile" and walks past safely. The Ork says: "I thinks..." and gets sucked into the portal. (<== that used to be my sig :D )

That'll do for now although i have more if u want them. :)

[Dimension]

heh, finally some better ones =)

[FlaringPain]

Here's a couple more:
Why did the Catachan cross the road?
To get out of mortar friendly fire.

Six Catachans and their Sergeant enter a bar. They proceed to get into a bar fight with some Dark Angels.

"We'll beat 'em" - the Sarge says. Then politely asks the Space Marines to step outside and opens the door for them. Needless to say, nothing of the fine establishment was left when the marine hit the trip wire.

How many Forgeworld light bulbs does it take to light a room?
Just one, but it is a deluxe halogen bulb at 250 watts and costs $87.

Things you don't wanna hear when you're in the Imperial Guard:
"We're outta ammo?"
"Whaddya mean orbital bombardment?"
"We missed our shooting phase?"
"Funny, the Ogryns don't smell as bad when dead."
"Hey, a grenade without a pin!"
"See? Lasguns can take anything. Drop it, throw it in the swamp, use it as a club, and it still...uh oh."
"Well, we're low on ammo, our radio's busted, and we've got genestealers coming in on all sides. Let's charge them!"
"Boy, I hope those artillery guys got the right coordinates..."
"Hehe, that's a good practical joke, plugging the tank's guns... let's stay really close to it so we can see the looks on their faces!"

[Athair]

http://forums.relicnews.com/showthread.php?t=36305&highlight=space+marine+commandments
Click the Link. Some funny Space Marine Comandments in there.
Some of the ones on this thread are quite good.

[chocolate]

I said this one a long, long time ago on a thread not much different then this one.... A hoard of Orks and Space Marines battle in a ruined city. Suddenly, a tremendous vortex opens and a strange looking Space Marine with blue and gold striped armor steps out. He looks down at a parchment he holds. Looks up. Looks down at the map again. Looks up. Says "Damn you Czevak!" and leaves.

[BlindManBoots]

I dont get it...can you explain?

[chocolate]

In the Eye of Terror campaign, a Thousand Sons space marine named Ahriman (the one that turned all of the legion into automaton) was searching for the Black Library, a place guarded by the Harlequin Eldar that contained dark knowledge. Only a Inquisitor named Czevak had been there, and Ahriman captured him. In my joke, presumably Czevak has given Ahriman wrong directions. When I say it like that, it just doens't sound funny :bandit:

[BlindManBoots]

oooh, thats a good one if you get it.

[Spudd]

What's old, one eye, and has less testicles than Hittler?

Commisar Yarrick