I Got Sick

[Hanna]

I know there aren't supposed to be personal threads or anything posted here, but this is about mapping too and I am not able to send personal messages to everyone to describe what heppened.

The short version is that I think i suffered some brain damage during a psychotic break a couple days ago and I feel like I am missing a part of myself.

Little Red Fire Engine (http://www.bitcheswithglitches.com/nwn/archives/2005/01/17/little_red_fire_engine_by_hanna_000317.php) is a post on We Can't Tell Reality From Fantasy where I describe what happened. I'm not going to write it down here again cause I remember less and less and I didn't remember all that much to begin with.

Like, it's like I had a big fire in my brain and finally the sprinker system came on which caused all the computers to short circuit and ruined all the records. Not all of them, but bits and pieces here and there. I feel like there is a big part of me that isn't there anymore. Maybe she is hiding in a safe-house somewhere.

One thing is for sure, I don't remember how to make maps anymore. I will probably have to start over and read the tutorial. I don't have the same passion for them anymore, though. So, I might not do that. One thing is for sure, that I will have less to say here and it will probably not be very helpful.

It makes me really mad, because I had so much I wanted to do, so many ideas, I think, and I was just getting to the point where I was starting to pull them off. I have all these files that make no sense to me. Why do I have them? What were they for?

I was doing work for some people and now I can't even remember who they were. I will have to go through my private messages and sort it all out, but I'm too tired, I'm still hurting from that morning. My hands feel bruised and swollen. I'm still really confused about everything. I still break down into tears for no reason.

I remembered just now that I was trying to figure out a way to get the state to help me find a kitty and to help take care of it, because I don't get enough money to care for the kitty if she or he should become ill, so maybe they have a program where they adopt pets to people who can't care for them, but I have a home care giver who can do some of the work, but I would need help with medical bills if kitty ever got ill.

So, I am going to focus on that, because I am really lonely and as much as everyone here has been like a big bunch of brothers to me, I need something physical to cuddle with and I'm thinking a kitty is a better idea.

I'm really, really sorry if this happened in the middle of doing something for someone, that's important, because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings and if you were counting on me to do work for you, I'm really really sorry. I will try to get better, I always have (this isn't the first time this has happened, but this is the worst it's been as far as lingering damage afterwards, at least, I think so).

I can't think of what else I was supposed to say so I will just stop now and this might get deleted anyway, cause it's a personal thing, but it's also a mapping thing.

You don't have to reply to this. It's probably best if you don't, or we'll get in trouble. I know that the moderators here hate me, but they can't come to the Adeptus forums, the ones that hate me which is why I came here originally. Funny story, that.

But they have a forum where they all talk together and they say stuff about me. Don't ask me how I know, I *know*. So, hopefully they won't talk to each other if we just don't post to this thread and let it disappear quickly. That way , everyone knows what happened, but nobody gets in trouble.

But if I get banned. Oh well. I'm probably useless to everyone for a while or longer anyway.

I just want to wish everyone good luck and tell you that you *all* have the ability to make amazing maps. Don't listen to the snerts who come in and tell you you're not good enough. You *are* good enough. Your best efforts are just as good as anyone else's best efforts. They're just different. And anyone who doesn't see that, can't see their own hand in front of their face. They are too busy admiring their own work or someone elses work to admire yours. That's their problem, not a problem with your map.

I wish I could take these words to heart. That has always been my problem. I had the instructions for how to be at peace with the world, they just never worked on me. Like I was the wrong model or a different version and the manual was for a newer or an older one or a different one and it just never made sense or none of the things worked the way they were supposed to work. So, I never found that peace, except when staring longly out the window at the rain coming down on the pine trees in the courtyard. Or a plate of ravioli with shredded romano and olive oil and a sliced up avacado on top.

But it was never enough to hold off the mountain of stress and fear and self-incrimination for not being perfect or normal or anything others expected of me.

I should go now.

Love,

Hanna

[John_Mirra]

Some advice.
internet + personal +life + game forum frequented by 14 year olds = bad!

I didn't read most of your post as I really don't think strangers should intrude into your life. Anyways good luck with whatever you do.

[Chaos Lord]

ouch...
hope you get well soon :)

[Kresjah]

Although I don't make maps and we haven't spoken very much (just one or to small discussions in some threads), I must say that I'm sorry to hear about what has happened to you. It's a shame that so many good people have to go through hell, and doingit several times.

I have to admit that I haven't experienced anything like this myself, but I have had friends in hard situations, and I still live with the fear of one of my closest friends might end up going through the same thing as you do if things in her life don't change soon. It kinda hurts too read it, both because it's sad that things like these happen to good people, and because of my fear of this happening to my friend.

Seems like life never was meant to be easy for some, and many of them don't even deserve to go through it (if anyone at all deserves to go through something as painful as this). Although I don't think there is much I can do except from offering kind words and feeling sorry for you, or maybe offer someone to talk to sometime, if there is anything one can do for you, feel free to ask.

Hope you get well soon! :)

[Aralez]

If you need any help with making maps, i will try to help you as good as i can. But John_Mirra is right, better do NOT tell too much private things in the net. There are some REALLY weird people outthere which could get strange ideas....

[Kresjah]

Even though I do understand John_Mirra and Aralez' points of view, I've had many positive experiences with taking such things up on the net. The thing about talking about such issues over the internet is that you can in many cases still remain anonymous, get an outside view of things, and you don't feel the same obligations or fear of talking as you might to when someone is sitting next to you and expecting you to speak up.

Anyways, just wanted to say that. I won't get any deeper into the personal issues on the open forums.

[Titler]

I'm just going to add a quick message for you Hanna, as I know full well there isn't anything anyone can say which will make a meaningful distance... I've experienced something similar myself (as a result of getting involved with someone I absolutely shouldn't have), and the only genuine cure is simply time. Those blank spots in your mind will slowly be filled in once more, and you will find your way back, if not to who exactly you once where, but to someone worth being again.

But anyway, whilst personal messages may be frowned upon, you have helped the community here, and so just be aware that people do genuinely wish you well. And just so you know, the icons you so decently provided for me are now, along with a beta of my map, finally on their way to dowfiles.com for hosting... you are still helping even now, when you feel you've forgotten how to!

[Beastback]

Get a life, dork.

[Rayden]

I would be glad if a moderator could lock this thread.

[General Blaze]

Get a life, dork.

Oh, and I suppose YOU have a life? Other than going to other forums and trolling them?

Hey, it's better than what YOU've been doing lately, so piss off, you immature git.

Also, she HAS friends, so I doubt she can be related as a dork. Geeky maybe, but then again, most of us are geeks and/or Nerds. It's way better than being dumb jocks, believe me. (Not that I have anything against them, just the ones who think they're superior than others.)

Honestly, think before you flame.

[Hanna]

Thank you everyone.

For all the messages of support. They mean a lot to me. I really appreciate it. They help me out a lot. It's okay to email them or private message them, though. You don't have to post them here.

As for the troll, well, trolls will be trolls. If that's their real name then that's going to be the measure of the content of their character. We've become a nation where kicking sick people is sport. To those who don't do that, who have compassion, it only makes you better people.

I'm disappointed in the moderators, but as I said, some number of the moderators actively dislike me. I wouldn't expect any help from them. They openly attack me, they ignore harassment focused at me, the rules of conduct apparently don't apply when it comes to me. For (I've been told), I bring it on myself.

But that's okay. I have a good relationship with many people here. I love you all. I don't write "Love, Hanna" as a joke or to be ironic but because I genuinely love you all. Even those who hate me or feel nothing for me. I am always open to reconciliation. None of us have to be enemies. None of us have to be cruel to one another. I am willing to forgive.

Everything will be okay.

Love,

Hanna

[Beastback]

Haha, I just log onto this forum to laugh at you dorks. Hanna, your fucking stupid. Get a life

[Scoote]

Oh right, she is a dork cause she is sick, I have an idea, YOU go through what she must have been, YOU have memory blanks, YOU go through everything She is going through, THEN you tell me she is a Dork. I went through something similar, although I did not get the metal blanks, you need ALL the help you can get, it is not easy suffering from emotional problems. As for the mods, please do something about him, you might not like Hanna, but she is has suffered, LARGE AMOUNTS! I know what major depression can do, I suffered for three years, I had no friends or anything to help. Support, from where ever it may come from. Even if it is from your worst enemy. The Fact she has memory blanks would make it that much harder.

Hanna, I feel for you, truly. I know what stuff like this is like. I suffered from major depression for a long time, three years. I had no friends to help me, I changed religion three times, from Gothic To muslum to Christian, then I just gave up. Attempted Suicide Twice. Then I moved interstate, and slowly the pain fadded. It did, four years later and I am happy. I hope you get your memory back, AND are able to calm down.

Love Ya, feel for ya, and hope you get well

Scoote, Once Daughter of Depression, now muster of Happiness.

[Sajuur]

I don't think most mods activily search threads in the map boards for non-map threads, so thats why there hasn't been any.

Anyway, all of you guys thinking its fun and with the rules to insult people, think again, and stay out of this thread while you think about it. And BeastBack, if that is your purpose here I suggest you leave now before we have to make you disappear, as you obviously need to read the guidelines if you are "laughing at dorks".

[Hanna]

Thanks, Sajuur. :)

I know, it's weird. This used to be such a nice neighborhood. It's like a gang of bikers moved in next door or something.

It's like a lot of communities, they get one break'n'enter and want the city to hire fifty new police officers to patrol the area. Then they complain their taxes are too high. Anyway, we like the kind of wild west feel of the Adeptus Forums where there's not a lot of thread-locking and mods don't have to patrol the forums looking for trouble-makers (I think we do, don't we?).

It's nice to know you're here, though. Just in case. :)

Love,

Hanna

[General Blaze]

If any of you moderators can read this, please ban Beastback. That guy has been insulting a person who's suffering from illness. (Hanna) You may not like her, but one thing's for sure, I know you mods can't stand someone kicking someone in the shins when she/he's down just for kicks. If not right away, then give him one more chance at least. If he does it one more time, give him the ban.

Edit: Oh, and one more thing, Beastback. Imagine your parents were caught in the Tsunami incident. Would YOU like it if someone told you to "get a life, dork" while you're suffering in grief?

I pray to God that he won't burn you in hell.

Oh, and before I forget Beastback, I'll bet your relatives were suffering from anthrax and you needed to look for someone to grieve to forget about the pain. Why am I being super nasty to you? Simple. You're doing it to her, so an eye for an eye. and I'm not so sure if you take this seriously Beastback, but your mother must have been retarded, cause you seem to inherit her genes. :smash:

[Hanna]

Sajuur likes me, don't you Sajuur?

I think he was saying that they don't get a chance to read these threads which is why whoever can pretty much get away with murder. Plus, they're probably throw-away accounts so they don't care if they get banned or not. It's best to just ignore them, right? Cause that's what they're trying to do, hurt me when I'm at my most vulnerable because they get excited by that.

Did you hear about the big fun new thing that British schoolkids do? They slap random people on the face and film it on their cell-phone cameras. Complete strangers. And they tape it. I just can't understand that kind of behavior. But that's what some people do for fun. No regard for the consequences of the victim. They film themselves committing assault and battery making it an open and shut case for prosecution. But because they're minors, they get off with a slap on the wrist and their record gets sealed when they reach majority.

I've had to deal with much, much worse though. These guys are nothing. Yes, they've hurt my feelings. W00t. They win. Even if they get banned, it's all part of the fun for them. I bet they'd go away if I went away (cause I have a pretty good idea who sent them), or they'll eventually go away on their own because they've gotten bored when the threads go away.

I'd sorta not like to go away, though. So, I'm not gonna leave. They've already defied Sajuur's demand to stop posting in another thread and weren't punished for it. Like Sajuur says, the mods just don't read all the threads and almost nobody reads everything I write because it's just too hard to read it all and nobody has the time to decypher it. Which is why so many people, including Uberjumper and Tacit, misunderstood what I was trying to get at. But everything's okay. Everything's worked out.

It'll be okay, really. We'll stand proud and tall and get on with our work. Everything we do that doesn't involve them is a slap on their face.

Anyway, there's a special forum called the Thread Discussion forum where people are supposed to post threads that need to be looked over by mods. I really don't want to go there because that puts me under the magnifying glass of the people who really despise me (and may have been the ones who sent the snerts to begin with, because I was threatened on the official IRC channel by a certain mod with just such a thing). He says it's not official, but it sure looks official, being stickied and promoted and all. Not official Relic. Nothing here is official Relic. Relic doesn't control these forums, doesn't own them.

So, I really don't want to go there, don't want to have a trial by jury of people who are going to blame me for it as they always have before. I know it's not fair, but it's all we have and most people don't ever have to worry about it because they never get on the wrong side of a moderator. I know it sounds like I've given up, and I sort of have, but I tried to fight it before and got nowhere fast. If we take this up in the Thread Discussion forum, which is the only place that this is going to get dealt with, I'm going to be the one who gets in trouble.

You know why he hates me so much? Cause I say this:

Love,

Hanna

[General Blaze]

Actually, Hanna. Even if someone who's already banned DOES try to get in by making multiple accounts, the mods would ban his IP, meaning he would NEVER get in no matter how many times he make his accounts. And knowing people like him, they do this for cheap thrills, so I doubt he'd be determined to try and get in again. So don't worry, Hanna. When he's banned, he'll never come back. Even if he does make multiple accounts, his IP will be banned.

Besides, I don't see anything wrong with posting "Love, Hanna." He's probably just mentally reatarded.

Also, the mods here aren't as nasty as you think they are. In fact, most of them I've met are quite friendly. So please don't hesistate to PM one of the mods. (Try Moe for starters. He's the most active of the lot)

[Sajuur]

They may not have been visibly punished, but have recivied some PMs.

If there are any more problems those involved will most likely be reciving more than PMs, as these attacks are without any reason other than a few people trying to be anoying.

There is no reason to think that you would be the one getting in trouble if this was brought to Thread Disscusion. You have done nothing wrong, those that think it's fun to be anoying are the problems. The main reason Mods are often not reading these forums is it's basicly for showing your map or asking a mod question, there is rarely a crowd of idiots coming in here to insult people. If such a thing occurs and a Mod does not find it, then definetly PM one. We are not here to sit around when someone is insulted, but if we are unaware of it occuring it is very difficult to do much about it.

I will speak to the admins about these users posting insults, if you have any concerns feel free to PM me or one of the other Mods.

[Hanna]

Okay, thank you General Blaze and Sajuur. I really appreciate the help. :)

Love,

Hanna

[Drachenfels]

Hanna,

although the only time we've talked was a disagreement about the quality of community-made maps, I liked you. You were one of the better and actually useful members of the forum who helped the game to become better.

Sorry that I can't be of any real help, but I wish you get well soon and luck iin anything you do in the furture. I've been in some deep shit myself, and the lesson I learned is: as long as you life, there is hope, no matter how shitty your current situation may be.

Best wishes,

Drachenfels

[Inferior Being]

Hanna; don't think that YOU'RE the twisted one, just listen to some of you'r replies! :argh: Suicidals, people who has been in some "Deep Shit", individuals who has been "Involved with people of whom they should never have met", Ex-Goths... And to think I actually used to have respect for some of these folks...!
For all I know, you might have commited suicide allready! :disagree:

[Rayden]

Thx for warming up the thread, beside of this just shut up if you haven't anything useful to say :fight:

[Chaos Lord]

Did you hear about the big fun new thing that British schoolkids do? They slap random people on the face and film it on their cell-phone cameras. Complete strangers. And they tape it. I just can't understand that kind of behavior. But that's what some people do for fun. No regard for the consequences of the victim. They film themselves committing assault and battery making it an open and shut case for prosecution. But because they're minors, they get off with a slap on the wrist and their record gets sealed when they reach majority.

LOL, yea we do that, well i dont, some times they laugh and ask to see the clip,

its called happy slaps...

[Hanna]

I am still alive, though I'm not well and getting worse.

Thank you Drachenfels and Inferior Being and Rayden (I think it would be okay if we left this thread to die off because it's common knowledge now and there is too much garbage here -- even though there is some really nice stuff -- for it to be a helpful thread).

No way am I going to leave this life, unless I am dragged kicking and screaming. There are squirrels that live in the courtyard behind my building and I have two big windows that look out on it. Spring is coming and the sun is shining (even in rainy Seattle!). I love the small things in life too much to give them up because of some moderately big things. (Okay, the truth is that I am afraid of dying.)

Even helping out here which is something I take great joy in. It's always nice to be appreciated for one's work and I think that I am going to make it a point to be more affirming of what miraculous work everyone is doing here. From the mappers to the mod makers to the moderators to Relic themselves. Everyone should be intensely proud of themselves for helping to build this community, helping to make this game even more fun than it is out of the box.

It's okay, Drachenfels, I don't even remember what disagreement we had. That's the good thing about having no memory anymore I guess. :)

Ugh, Chaos Lord, I totally didn't need to know more about that. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. But, no hard feelings towards you for commenting on it.

I am thinking of reviving my "make map icons and minimaps and loading screens" effort again. Assuming that I can do an okay job for the map pack. If that goes well, then I will probably do that, especially since Dyselon showed me a super-fancy trick that makes the job like a million times easier. So easy, maybe everyone will be able to make their own. But just in case, I will think about re-starting that effort. Some people don't have a paint program that can do that and I can understand not wanting to deal with it.

I'm also getting good at making auto-installers, which would be another service. There are other people who will make you auto-installers too. Anything that makes it easier for people to install maps.

I just have to make sure I'm clear with people that I fade in and out and somedays I can't do anything at all and on better days I can do some small amount of work. I don't want to promise things that I can't deliver.

I know I won't get get better, and that I'll only get worse, but I am not going to give up because I love life too much. I love to help people. So, that's what I'm going to do.

Love,

Hanna

[blood_lord]

alright first i would like to say that im not anti-simpathetic, but i hope everyone knows that this is still the internet and appearences can be deciveing, how do you know hanna is even telling the truth and is just doing this for kicks, see you dont, for all you guys know hanna could be a guy messing with people.

[Stilgar]

no hard feelings meant, but why is this topic even here still? I come here for the great mapping stuff. I avoid the chit chat forums because internet drama is for those with no life. Every so often, this topic rises to the top. Let it die... it has no place in a mapping forum.

On a positive note, Hanna, I hope you get the help you need. Take care.

[blood_lord]

read the damn thread stiglar :fight:

[gravehead]

Read the damn forum name blood_lord. Stilgar does have a point. This is not an appropriate area for someone to be airing their personal problems, and hence I'm not surprised by the flames this thread is recieving. We've all have personal issues of some kind, but this is not the place to discuss them.

And I hope she does get the help she needs.