View Full Version : This happens when i get bored and eat pizza (Story inside)
8th Nov 01, 9:00 AM
Once upon a time, there was this wizard called GuaRRand.
He was a gentile wizard, who's only act of semi-evilness was that he killed his mother-in-law 2 years ago. But she had it coming.
GuaRRand was married to this blond bikini babe called Muppie.
Muppie didn't like RPG's, so she won't be in this story.
One day, after just having BBQ'ed the three little pigs (again, they had it coming), GuaRRand decided to take a small walk along the A6 freeway. He always liked to look at the cars whoosing by.
While he was walking to the freeway, a dragon dropped out of the skies.
"This is odd" thought GuaRRand, "its not the seasons for dragons dropping out of the skies"
Well, the dragon did anyway.
The dragon landed with a great big SMAK on the ground and GuaRRand had to take a step back.
After awhile the dragon looked up and said: "OMG THAT HURTS!!, I DON'T KNOW WHY WE JUST CAN'T LAND NORMALLY, LIKE BIRDS DO. MY GOD MY BACK ACHES!!"
It looked to GuaRRand that this dragon was not a normal dragon. He had never encountered a yellow dragon with a red striping before.
So he asked the dragon what kind he was.
The dragon explained that he was a rare species of 16Valve, Turbo, Sports dragon.
They were almost extinct because of the high fuel prices.
GuaRRand wondered about this awhile and agreed that this was completely logical.
Fuel prices HAD risen to an alltime high these last few years.
After a brief chat with the dragon, GuaRRand asked wtf the dragon was doing here anyway.
This not being the dragon season and all.
The dragon smiled and said:"Well, i am looking for a wizard by the name of Fizban".
GuaRRand pondered and pondered where he had heard that name before, but he couldn't quite remember. He was having problems with his longterm memory of late.
Sorry that he couldn't help the dragon with his quest, GuaRRand left the dragon and went on his way.
After about 10 miles of walking GuaRRand heard some giggling.
He was just about to go and see what or who it was when a woman came running out of the bushes.
GuaRRand, always in for a good joke, tripped the woman and watched her tumble over the ground.
GuaRRand laughed his pants of.
The woman, seeing the pants drop ran over to GuaRRand, got on her knees........and stole his pants.
"FAWK" screamed GuaRRand, "MY PANTS!!"
Not wearing any pants, GuaRRand was hesitant to run after the woman to get his pants back.
But, GuaRRand was a mighty wizard and he would show this woman that it was WRONG to fawk with a wizards pants.
He cast HOLD PERSON on the woman.
It worked (duh..ur a mighty wizard or ur not).
He walked over to the woman.
"WHY did u steal my pants woman" asked GuaRRand.
"Well, like ur a wizard right?" asked the woman.
"DUUUH" said GuaRRand. "wtf does that have to do with anything?"
"Like, really man, why does a Wizard wear pants?, don't you guys wear robes and cloaks?" said the woman.
"Robes and Cloaks??, well, actaully we do normally" replied GuaRRand.
"Sooooo????, why are u wearing pants now??" asked the woman.
"BECAUSE BIOWARE REPLACED CLOAKS AND ROBES WITH DAMN SPANDEX PANTS AND TIGHT SHIRTS!!"
8th Nov 01, 12:58 PM
GuaRRand, I must say that I found that funny. I also found that very, very strange...but what else shall we expect?
8th Nov 01, 3:16 PM
That must have been cociane-laced pizza, man.
Reads like a... well, drug trip, but then I find drug trips funny so you score with this.
Could i get some of that pizza?
8th Nov 01, 6:04 PM
When you say pizza, I'm sure you meant "beer" or "drugs," right?
Nicely amusing :D
8th Nov 01, 8:39 PM
What toppings did the pizza have? And why arn't you sharing any?
That was strange, and funny, and strange. And funny.
8th Nov 01, 8:41 PM
my favorite bit:
duh..ur a mighty wizard or ur not
This was all a big confession on your part about murdering your mother-in-law...
And a big post about how much you dislike Bioware for not allowing Wizards to wear cloaks...
Except that, in Baldur's Gate, Mages DO have cloaks...:P
9th Nov 01, 3:06 AM
The Kender and the Pig
GuaRRand woke up with a scream.
He jumped outta bed and look around in confusion.
What time was it, where was he, how did he get here and most importantly, was there any cheeze left in the fridge?
He zigzagged through the crowd and walked over to his fridge.
Looking through the hole in the wall he saw that it would be a beautifull day.
The sun was shining, the birds were singing, the dogs were barking and the goblins were slaughtering the neighbours (they had it coming).
Putting on his spandex pants (grrr) he kissed his wife on the feet (why was she lying the wrong way around?) and walked out the door for his morning walk.
He decided he wouldn't go to the freeway today. because it was a carfree sunday anyway, so there wouldn't be many accidents to enjoy.
He therefor decided he would visit his old friend Knitz Wanderfoot.
While he was walking to Knitz, GuaRRand stumbled upon a small yellow feathered animal.
"HELLO!!..what's this then" GuaRRand said.
"KREEE KREEE" screamed the little yellow feathered animal.
"Kree kree??" GuaRRand thought, "wtf is that supposed to mean?
Are you calling me names?? GuaRRand said.
"KREE KREEEEE said the yellow animal again.
"OK THATS IT!! said GuaRRand and he stomped the yellow animal.
While stomping away at the animal (damn, it was hard to kill, which is a SAD movie btw) the feathers flew every which way.
One of them actually attacked his nose.
This made GuaRRand sneeze SO loud that he blew the little pigs house down in one sneeze.
This made the pigs very mad indeed, they had just finished installing their new firewire network and had themselves a 1337 LAN server park setup.
The pigs walked over to GuaRRand, Shovels and axes in their hands.
GuaRRand, never afraid of anything, and SURELY not of three hams, was looking in amusement at the three approaching pigs.
He was just about to cast Summon Big Bad Wolves when a dragon dropped out of the sky.
With one big flame salvo the dragon BBQ'ed the pigs.
GuaRRand, who hadn't eaten yet, was greatful for this BBQ fest and started to dig in.
"OH BOY" said GuaRRand, "This is my lucky day it seems"
"I really needed a new shovel and axe!!"
WHen he finished eating the three pigs (hey, he was hungry ok!!) he turned to the dragon.
"Yo, gimmi 5" said GuaRRand
"Sorry, i am all out of cash" said the dragon.
"Out of cash?..ur a dragon, u guys always have a treasure stacked somewhere"
"Sorry, hard times have befallen us dragons, inflation, high fuel prices, dental plan. You know how hard it is for a dragon to get a good dental plan??"
"Ok, ok.. 2.50 then?" asked GuaRRand, who wasn't about to give up, dragons were always good for a buck or two.
" Nope, sorry, i am all out of cash. I have some cookies though"
Utterly depressed but with a full stomach GuaRRand resumed his way to Knitz's house.
Finaly he arrived at Knitz's house.
He opened the port, walked up the driveway (nice Benz!!), petted the dobbermans (watch the hands, their not insured!!), marvelled at the large pinwood trees and arrived at the door.
"HE KNITZ, YOU HOME M8" yelled GuaRRand
"NO, I AM FACTORY BUILD!" came the reply from inside.
NOTE FROM THE WRITER:Everybody get that one? :D
Knitz opened the door and invited GuaRRand in.
Knitz's place was a simple house.
Knitz being a Kender ment that his house was full of little thing-a-majigs and interesting maps from every place imaginable.
There was even a complete map of a place called sigil, which ment nothing to GuaRRand, but then again, he was having problems with his shortterm memory of late.
Just when they where about to sit down for a spot of tea, the doorbell rang.
"That's strange" Knitz said, "I don't even have a telephone!"
Knitz opened the door and stared straight into a bellybutton.
Knitz, always the explorer, poke the bellybutton and prodded it with his hoopak, which he had lying around for situations just like these .
"HEY, STOP THAT, That tickles" said a voice from above.
"IS THAT YOU GOD?" said Knitz.
"No, its the mailman" said the voice.
"Oh, well, can't you just leave the mail on the doorstep?" said knitz.
"Errmm..you don't have a doorstep" said the voice.
"so?, why don't you just ring the doorbell and give it to me then" said knitz.
"Uhm, ok" said the voice.
Knitz closed the door.
"Hey, that's weird" said knitz, "there goes my telephone again"
Knitz opened the door and to make a long discussion short, he recieved a package, signed for it, gave a tip and closed the door.
"What's in the package" GuaRRand asked.
Knitz opened the package and looked inside.
"A note" said Knitz.
"Kewl, what does it say" said GuaRRand
Knitz unfolded the note and read it out loud.
"From Bioware, to the writer of this story. KENDER ARE NOT IN THIS GAME!!, SO STOP THIS IMMIDIATLY!!.
"FAWK" said Knitz and dissappeared.
"Go figure" said GuaRRand and walked home again.
9th Nov 01, 6:36 AM
Very funny, but very wierd...
9th Nov 01, 6:54 AM
Very funny, but very wierd...
[The Guide] says that the effect of a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster is like having your brains smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick.
- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Uhu..ur sigs makes any sense :D
9th Nov 01, 9:15 AM
I want the drugs you smoke daily.
9th Nov 01, 9:31 AM
Journey to the center of the yard
It was that time of the year again.
The garden had to be done.
GuaRRand was ordered by the most powerful being in the know universe, his wife, to clean up the garden, feed the fishes, throw out the trash and clip his nails.
Although this task was a simple feat for a wizard of GuaRRand’s stature, he decided NOT to use his spell of instant garden cleaning, fish feeding and nail clipping (He had done this before :P ).
It was a nice day and he didn’t mind getting his new levi’s dirty.
So he got on all fours and started cleaning away the leaves, dirt, b33rcans and joints (how did that get here?).
All of a sudden he felt a slight tremor in the ground beneath him.
Just as he was about to jump away, the ground opened up and a giant pink koala jumped outta the ground.
"HOLY <censor>" yelled GuaRRand, who had never seen a koala jump before, "WTFS ARE YOU!?"
The koala jumped and squeeked at GuaRRand waving his arms and legs continously, which caused him to topple over a couple of times.
"Look teddybear, this ain’t gonna do you any good, what..do..u..want?"
The koala kept on jumping and making funny signs and movements with his little arms.
"Ok, i am getting angry now, one more time, WHAT DO U WANT?"
The koala stopped, grabbed GuaRRand and yelled,
"I WANNA USE UR TOILET YOU M0R0N!!..GEEEEZZ"
Not wanting to anger a giant pink koala, they were known to be very quickly agitated and nobody wants to get a giant pink koala agitated!!, GuaRRand showed the koala the toilet.
When the Koala was doing his thing, GuaRRand couldn’t help noticing the big hole in the ground, since he was practicly in it.
Wondering where this hole would lead he bend over and looked in the hole.
"EEEEOOOOO, KEEEDEEEEOOO, DAYLIGHT COME AND WE WANNA GO HOOME!"
He waited for somekinda echo, but it didn’t come.
"That’s weird", he thought.
"Whats weird?" a voice from below said.
"Well, that there is no echo!" stated GuaRRand.
"Well, duuh, that’s because this is a no echo zone" said the voice.
"Oh i didn’t know that" said GuaRRand
He was just about to get up again when it hit him!!
And it knocked him unconcious.
After 2 hours, 23 minutes and 43 seconds, GuaRRand woke up again.
"HUNNY I’M HOME!" he yelled.
"NO YOUR NOOOT!!" Yelled someone.
"I am not?" GuaRRand said
"Nope" said the voice.
A small creature walked out of the shadows.
It was somekinda reptile or lizard or…..dragon?
"Hi, i am BeeDee" said the small lizard.
"I will now eat u alive and steal ur pants"
"Not again" thought GuaRRand
"Nehh, just kidding" said the dragon.
"Who ever heard of dragons wearing pants!?"
"Who ever heard of midget dragons" said GuaRRand.
"HEY that’s not fair, don’t call me a midget, i am just a vertically challenged individual" said the dragon.
At this point a large red striped dragon came crashing through the ceiling.
"AHA, There u are" said the large dragon
GuaRRand and the vertically challenged midget dragon looked at eachother.
"I was looking for you zifnab"
"Zifwho?" they both said
"Oh, sorry..wrong story" and the dragon leaped out again.
"RIGHT", said GuaRRand while he jumped up
"That’s it, no more sillyness, i am getting outta here"
GuaRRand opened the door, stepped outside, and was greeted by his wife.
"Hi dear, how are you feeling"? Said muppie
"Well hunny, i had the strangest dream…."
GuaRRand closed the door and walked away with his wife
On the door was a sign that read:
BIOWARE & CO INC. United and friends
(exits with a twilight zone sound)
9th Nov 01, 9:33 AM
Ps Im 5'11 :/
9th Nov 01, 6:25 PM
Originally posted by GuaRRand
While he was walking to Knitz, GuaRRand stumbled upon a small yellow feathered animal.
"HELLO!!..what's this then" GuaRRand said.
"KREEE KREEE" screamed the little yellow feathered animal.
"Kree kree??" GuaRRand thought, "wtf is that supposed to mean?
Are you calling me names?? GuaRRand said.
"KREE KREEEEE said the yellow animal again.
"OK THATS IT!! said GuaRRand and he stomped the yellow animal.
die chiken die.
Heh... if you're not an IRC ninja or ex-ninja like me don't even try to get it.
10th Nov 01, 4:20 AM
Actually, it wan't a chicken...it was more like a little yellow land lobster :)
10th Nov 01, 2:49 PM
12th Nov 01, 7:35 AM
DEL DEL DEL please.
12th Nov 01, 7:36 AM
Flying through the skies was such fun.
The wind through your hair, your cloak flying around your ears, your hat going it’s own way every few seconds.
GOD how GuaRRand hated to fly. But since he lived about a zillion miles from the nearest K-mart, it was the only way to travel and since the most fearsome, evil, powerful creature in the known universe, his wife, had said that it was his turn to do the shopping (which it was almost every week), he could only obey and try to avoid the pigeons.
He landed on the parking place, whipped the feathers from his eyes (damn pigeons) and straightened his cloak and hat.
"Ok, let’s get this over with" he thought to himself, which isn’t difficult since he wasn’t a psychic and couldn’t think to somebody else.
He entered the K-mart and looked at the shopping scroll his wife gave him.
"Cheeze, a new fridge, cookies, spam, nailpolish, 2 goats, a tube of dragon polish and some dead doornails" he read out loud.
"DEADDOORNAILS!!" he heard multiple voices shout behind him.
GuaRRand jumped up, turned around….and fell flat on his face.
He pulled himself up from the ground (hey, your a great powerful wizard or your not!) and looked into the faces of several gnomes.
"Gnomes at the K-mart" GuaRRand thought.
"YESGNOMESATTHEKMARTYESWHATISSOWEIRDABOUTTHAT?" said all the gnomes in Dolby digital surround sound.
"Wow, slow down, I can’t make out what you’re saying" said GuaRRand
The gnomes looked at eachother in confusion.
"OK, guys, one more time…please slow down, I can’t understand you" GuaRRand said with a red face.
Again the gnomes looked at eachother.
After a few minutes of staring at eachother they pushed one tall gnome, well, taller then the rest anyway, to the front.
"I…hope…you…can…understand…me…now" said the gnome.
"Yes although you’re speaking a bit slow" said GuaRRand.
The gnome had a fit
Which he did.
After cleaning up the floor (they blamed him ofcourse) GuaRRand addressed the rest of the gnomes, who, seeing their colleague explode like that, started to talk normal speed.
"So tell me, what are you guys doing here at the K-mart"
"Well, we’re selling dead doornails" said one of the gnomes.
"That’s convenient, I need some dead doornails" said GuaRRand
The gnomes sold GuaRRand some dead doornails and were about to leave when one of them stopped and turned around….and turned around again, did the hokey pokey and turned himself around..again. The other gnomes applauded franticly. The dizzy gnome bowed and joined the group again.
"Funny guys those gnomes" said GuaRRand.
It took him the better part of the day to get the other items on his shopping scroll (damn this K-mart is big).
"Alright, just one more thing, the cheeze"
GuaRRand took the elevator to the 23rd floor, the Cheeze department.
The Cheeze department had all kinds of cheezes.
Smelly cheezes, even more smelly cheezes, REAL disgusting looking cheezes, round cheezes, square cheezes, straight cheezes (not next to eachother though those two don’t mix to well) and loads more.
It was cheeze heaven.
GuaRRand loved cheeze, it was all he could do not to nibble at his feet every so often.
Which was disgusting now that he thought about it. But then again, it was kinda like sex, why buy something if you could get for free??.
He went roaming through the cheeze department to find the cheeze he needed.
"OMGLOOKITSTHATIRRITATINGWIZARDGUYAGAIN" came a shout from behind one of the cheezestalls.
GuaRRand looked around and saw the same group of gnomes. They were selling cheeze.
"I thought u guys sold dead doornails!?" said GuaRRand
"We do, but we also sell cheeze and computer games" said the gnomes in unison.
"Computer games, like which?" Asked GuaRRand
"Hey we can’t say, it’s all hush hush you know" said the new tallest gnome.
"Yeah, its not like we’re gonna tell you that’s its a big online Multiplayer RPG that has like a zillion spells and characters in it and its called ‘WHACK SLAM KAZOINK’
The gnome went down. The other gnomes jumped him and started to beat him, then gag him and pushed him in a corner.
"WHACK SLAM KAZOINK???…weird name for a game" said GuaRRand
"Yeah, well your not a 1337 game developer now are ya" said the tall gnome
"Nope, I am just a great and powerful wizard who is doing the shopping".
GuaRRand bought the cheeze he needed and walked off again.
Back at the Gnome cheeze stand.
"OMGKEVINWTFCAN’TYOUHOLDYOURBIGMOUTHFORONCE?" said the tall gnome
"WELLSCREWMEHALFWAYUPTOHELLTRENTIAMSORRYOK?" said the bruised gnome
"YOUANDYOURBIGMOUTHWESHOULDHANGYOUUPSIDEDOWNINAPONDFULLOFNASTYGNOMEEATINGFISH" said a bright haired gnome.
"YOUCANSCREWMESTRAIGHTUPTHEASSDAVID" yelled the bruised gnome
said a dark haired gnome.
"WHATAREYOUSAYINGBOB" said the tall gnome
"WELL…." Started de dark haired gnome.
By this time the started to talk to fast that I couldn’t understand anymore, so we’ll leave them for now.
GuaRRand was already flying home with the groceries.
Dodging the damn kamikaze pigeons as best as he could, trying to stay in the right lane (those fawking 16V turbo dragons we’re whooshing by every few seconds) and balancing that awfully heavy fridge on his back wasn’t an easy feat (AHA, thought I forgot about it, didn’t ya :P).
After 2 hours of flying at mach 1.2, which is damn fast when carrying a fridge and avoiding kamikaze pigeons, he arrived @home.
"HUNNY, I’M HOME" he yelled
"NO YOUR NOOOT" yelled a familiar voice.
"OMG, not again" GuaRRand said, while looking around him.
The door opened and out walked the midget dragon.
"Vertically challenged individual, @#%&^@#$&$"
Luckily his wife also walked out to great him, and she was the most powerful creature he knew, so if the mid… vertically challenged dragon tried anything, it would feel the wrath of his wife.
GuaRRand grinned at that idea.
"So, what are you doing here" GuaRRand asked the little dragon
"Well, getting that tube of dragon polish, my scales are starting to look a bit pale"
Without saying anything else, the dragon started rummaging through the shopping bag.
GuaRRand, not paying any more attention to the little dragon, grabbed his wife and walked inside.
"Hunny, I got me some fine cheeze from the store, let’s go get nasty with it" GuaRRand said with a wink.
His wife giggled, slapped him on the chest and ran upstairs.
After his breathing came in regular intervals again, GuaRRand grabbed the cheeze and walked upstairs.
When he closed the door to their bedroom, he just manage to hear the little dragon yell,
"HEY WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH THESE 2 GOATS??"
GuaRRand closed the door and didn’t hear anything else for a loooong time.
12th Nov 01, 4:07 PM
Heheh, I wanna hear what happened to the cheeze. :p
12th Nov 01, 4:19 PM
His wife probably did the famous "Guarding the Cal-Shto and putting the support frigates into broad formation." (http://forums.relicnews.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=382)
12th Nov 01, 4:33 PM
Dude, that's weird ass shite. :D You been abusing the Trix, haven't you? :p
12th Nov 01, 4:44 PM
I think he's solely supporting the industry...
13th Nov 01, 3:32 AM
No cheeze was abused or in any way harmed during the writing of this story.
Afterwards...well that's another story :D
13th Nov 01, 9:46 AM
“ OH YEAH!!, CONTEST DAY!!”
GuaRRand was running through the house, gathering his best cloak and hat.
“ WHO’S YA DADDY!!, I’M YA DADDY!!” he shouted while running past the mirror.
This was the big day, today he was gonna show all those other losers who was the most powerful wizard around.
He memorised his best spells last night and he was sure that he was gonna win this years contest.
With spells like, Bring out the dead, Summon killer bunny and cloud of smelly sox he was sure to win.
Not to mention his most awful spell, the one he had only used once before and which had almost tore through the fabric of the know universe. Summon mother-in-law.
He vowed he would only use this spell if he were in dire need.
Kissing his wives feet (i gotta ask her about that one of these days), he walked out the door.
The Contest was held in a remote forest somewhere near Mount Neverblows.
It was about 3 days walking from here. Luckily there was a subway nearby.
Seating himself besides a big man with dreadlocks and a small smelly dwarf he thought about who he would have to face in this contest.
“ Hmm, lemme see, there’s Cypher, Mecka, Baz’eff, BizNaf, Do’omaz and Mekki The 1337”
“ Well, i can take them all…although i don’t know this Biznaf and his name rings a bell”
A bell rang (OMG, HOW LAME!!), he was nearing the secret contest place.
He got out of the subway, pushed past the millions of people and walked out into the sunlight.
“ WOW, KEWL!!” he yelled
He was walking into the most beautiful forest he had ever seen.
It had trees and squirrels and everything!
He could stare at the surroundings for hours, but he didn’t have the time.
The contest was waiting.
Pushing past the same millions of people again, he walked over to the secret contest place.
There was a great big hall and some kinda boxing ring. Along the left and right side of the boxing ring were large rows of seats.
“ Hmmm, looks like its gonna be crowded” he said.
GuaRRand walked over to the registration booth and waited in line.
After 30 minutes of waiting he signed in.
“ It might be better if i register under a false name, that way, if i accidentally castrate someone, they won’t know it’s me, it would look bad on my résumé.
So he quickly registered under his nickname AlexGeeWiz
Congratulation himself on his quick wit, he walked off to the nearest McDonalds
(Hey, a wizard contest is big bucks nowadays!!)
After stuffing himself with the special McWyvern burger and complementary diet Dwarven spirits, GuaRRand walked to the contest board to see whom his first opponent would be.
“ Cypher Vs AlexGeeWiz” he read out loud.
“ Great, i remember him, he once deserted his companions to work his wizardry for the the darkside. I shall take great pleasure in causing him PAIN!” GuaRRand thought.
“ AHA, my first victim” he heard someone say behind him
GuaRRand turned around and….looked at air and trees and grass.
Although he always had wondered what air would look like, he was absolutely sure that air couldn’t talk.
“ Confused,? Don’t tell me u don’t recognise a simple invisibility spell!!?” he heard the voice say.
“ Sure i do” said GuaRRand.
“ Its just that i was wondering why a wizard of your stature and reputation would wanna walk without being seen!?”
GuaRRand was having a great laugh at this, he knew that Cypher, after his desertion had become a very angry individual with only loathing for humanity and who even denounced Christmas!!.
This had given him the reputation of being a very big DOLT.
“ Humph, well just wait until we get into the ring. I’ll show u what real magic is” said Cypher.
“ No thnx, i already had sex with my wife today” GuaRRand said with a smile
Cypher stomped away to….well GuaRRand couldn’t see.
GuaRRand decided to relax a bit before the match. He also decided that it would be great fun to cast Swarm of mad squirrels at Cypher. Yes, it would be SOOO much fun.
The time had arrived.
Cypher was already in the ring. He wore a Black cloak over a black skirt-thing and a pink hat.
That was probably the weirdest outfit GuaRRand had ever seen.
He walked into the ring, proudly showing of his minty green cloak, Sky-blue shirt and Orange hair.
He had left his hat in his dressing room, he would need that in the later matches.
“So, did u manage to find the ring?” Cypher asked?
“Well, you would ofcourse, since it’s not invisible, hihihihihi” Laughed Cypher
“Greetings to u 2” said GuaRRand
Cypher looked around in confusion
“Where?” he asked.
“Where what??” GuaRRand asked
“Nevermind” Cypher said with a grunt (which only requires an IQ of 20!!)
The announcer spoke.
“IN THE LEFT CORNER, WEARING A BLACK AND PINK ENSEMBLE, MADE BY SELINE THE SIRINE, ALL THE WAY FROM THE HIGH DUNES OF FORGET’EMDALE….IIIIIIIIT’S CYPHER”
The crowd clapped….somewhat..well actually, some threw rotten cheeze at him.
“Hmmm….cheeze” GuaRRand thought.
But before he could make a move the announcer spoke again.
“AND IN THE SOUTH-EAST CORNER, WEARING A GREEN ON BLUE ENSEMBLE MADE BY HIS WIFE MUPPIE, who is one of the most powerful creatures in the known universe, ALL THE WAY FROM HIS NICE COUNTRY HOME IN <CENSORED> (riiiight, like i am gonna tell you that!), HEEEEEEEEEERE’S JOHNNY!!!
The crowed cheered!!
“Errr….sir…sir…. SIR!!!” yelled GuaRRand
“Yes, what?” The announcer asked
“It’s AlexGeeWiz, NOT Johnny!!”
After the correction had been announced (can’t very well go around being called johnny, now can we), the fight could begin.
The bell rang.
“ I GOT IT!!” GuaRRand yelled and at the same time, a magic missile hit him
“ Ouch, that hurts!!!”
He rubbed his stomach and got up.
Cypher was already preparing his next attack and from the looks of it, it would be another volley of magic missiles.
GuaRRand had to move quick, magic missile could be cast very quickly.
He decided to cast the spell he had chosen specially for today…for Cypher.
Quickly he pulled a squirrel out of his pocket.
The creature looked a bit dazed. He had to remind himself not to put life animals next to the herbs next time.
He threw the squirrel at Cypher and made the special, very 1337 looking moves with his hands, while speaking in the ancient tongue of wizardry.
“ ICKY ICKY NA’PONG TSJAKALAKA WICKY WICKY AHOOOOOOGA”
The flying squirrel began to shake and its eyes began to bulge.
It fell to the ground.
“ BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA” laughed Cypher
“ KEWL SPECIAL EFFECT THERE ALEX!!”
He almost fell over from laughing.
GuaRRand was smiling also.
The squirrel wasn’t. It was still shaking.
Then, all of a sudden, it stopped shaking, it looked up slowly, made a hollow plopping sound and then there were two squirrels and four and eight and sixteen…
The ring filled up with dozens of squirrels.
Just as suddenly that it had begun, the multiplication stopped.
The squirrels all started to screech and scream at eachother.
GuaRRand made a wave with his hands and the squirrels looked as one towards Cypher.
Cypher was on the ground, but he wasn’t laughing anymore.
GuaRRand made another move with his hand and the squirrels started to run over to Cypher.
With high pitch screams the squirrels jumped on Cypher and started to nibble and claw at his tunic and cloak.
“ Who can blame them” GuaRRand thought, “It’s one hell of an ugly ensemble he’s got on”
Cypher tried franticly to get the squirrels of him, but to no avail.
After a good 5 minutes, the squirrels disappeared as good taste before a green-vained cheeze (God!!, he loved cheeze).
What remained was a nekkid Cypher, full of scratches, but relatively unharmed.
He’s eyes where wide open and he was shaking like a Phone with a vibration-battery (funny things those vibration phones, the vibrate like hell, nice word btw, vibrate)
“ I GIVE UP, I GIVE UP, PLEASE GET THEM OFF ME, MAKE THEM GO AWAY, MAKE THE HURTING STOP, AAAAAAAAAAAHHH” Cypher got up, flailing his arms and ran out of the ring, into the Forrest.
“ Well, that’s one more dent in his ego” GuaRRand grinned.
The announcer got into the ring.
“ AND THE WINNER, BY TECHNICAL K.O.T.S.I. (knock out by squirrel intervention) IS ALEXGEEWIZ”
The crowed cheered.
Feeling quite content with his first victory, GuaRRand walked to the McDonalds again.
“ Those McWyvern’s are quite tasty”.
“ Tomorrow another day and another fight. I wonder who it’ll be!?”
More to come ---
13th Nov 01, 10:16 AM
Keep eating the mystic pizzas Guar.......these stories are the strangest and funniest stuff I've read for a while:cool: :)
16th Nov 01, 8:28 AM
After his last victory over Cypher, who had been last seen running nekkid through the subway screaming something about evil vermin and little teeth, GuaRRand was feeling quite content with himself.
It was now almost 2 days ago and his next fight would be today.
He was curious about who he would have to fight next.
He walked over to the contest board and looked for his name.
“AlexGeeWiz vs Do’omaz” the board read
“Nice effect..a self reading board” said GuaRRand
“I can also hold conversations” The board announced
“Magic!!, what will they think of next” said GuaRRand
“Well, This Do’omaz will be np, i can take him with my arms tied behind my back, my feet crossed and my knees in my neck”
He felt quite confidend, as usual.
The match wouldn’t start for another 3 hours, so he would have loadsa time to find out what this Do’omaz guy was all about.
He walked over to another group of wizards and tried to fit into the conversation, hoping to find out if they knew something.
Wizard 1: “…So i said to Madonna, GURL, you HAVE to get that vogue stuff back, that was your best stuff evah!!”
Wizard 2: “I agree, i agree, after the vogue it went downhill. That last song of hers is the pits!!”
Wizard 3: “I still think that ‘Material Girl’ was her best song evah. It was Da Bomb man”
Wizard 1: “No No No, Vogue was definitely her best stuff. I mean, that wavy thing with her arms is just GENIUS!!”
Wizard 2: “I know what you mean, u mean this stuff, like so”
He starts to bend his knees, puts his arms above his arms and starts waving them around.
Wizard 1: “YES. Like that, exactly!!”
The first wizard joins in the dance.
Wizard 3: “Humpfff, i still think Material girl is the best song!!. You can’t beat her walk in that video clip. And the work she does with that Boa thing around her neck…just MAGIC i tell ya”
GuaRRand watches the spectacle and decides they probably don’t have any information he wants to know.
All right then, he would have to do without additional information about this Do’omaz.
No matter, he never ever EVER met anybody that could resist his Summon cloud of smelly sox or the sheer terror that his Bring out the dead spell would inflict.
No, he had things well in hand.
Time passed uneventful, except for the 16V turbo dragon that broke the soundbarrier right above the contest area.
The match would start in 10 minutes. He would have to hurry.
Stuffing his face with the last of the remaining 4 McWyverns he got up and ran to the contest ring.
A loud cheer greeted him as he jumped up in the ring.
Do’omaz wasn’t here yet.
“Great, maybe he’s still studying his spells or something” GuaRRand laughed.
Time passed. 5 minutes…10 minutes…30 minutes and still no Do’omaz to be seen.
“Hmmmm, i hope i haven’t scared him with my last match!?”
“I saw he defeated the wizard B.Vorlon fairly easy”
At that point a flash of light and a cloud of smoke appeared just outside the ring.
“WTFS, WHERE ‘hik’ AM I??”
A man scrambled up from the floor and climbed into the ring.
He wore a ragtag ensemble of shirts, cloaks and some weirdlooking sport shoes.
He was bald and had atleast 20 rings through his ears, nose and…..errr..
“Right m8, whoz u then?” the man asked.
“Well, i am AlexGeeWiz” GuaRRand said
“And i guess u are..errmm..Do’omaz?”
“Lazt tzime i ‘hik’ czhecked” the man said.
“You look like crap, are you sure you can go through with this?” GuaRRand asked
“You look like crap…BAH…NAG NAG NAG, letz get on with thiz kthnx, i don’t have all day, i need toz get back to thoze luvly ..errr.. well..LETS GET ON WIH IT!!” he shouted
“ok, if you say so” replied GuaRRand.
The gong rang
“Hey, where’s the bell gone to?” asked GuaRRand
“CATZCH” he heard Do’omaz yell
A fireball the size of a small village was heading towards GuaRRand.
The crowed yelled and screamed and tried to dodge the huge fireball.
Nearby trees and plants caught fire and even the ring, which was made of magical enhanced steel and iron, was beginning to melt.
GuaRRand stood with mouth wide open and watched the fireball come closer and closer.
“HOLY MOTHER OF ALL THAT IS CHEEZY…WTF..” GuaRRand yelled
He quickly threw up a protective globe of minor invulnerability and hoped for the best.
The fireball contacted with the globe and engulfed it.
Do’omaz moved his hands in the air and the fireball stayed in place, engulfing the globe and GuaRRand.
Do’omaz grinned and started to dance.
“Nevah fawk witzh the Do’omaz, i will screw u evahry time”
After a minute or 2 the fireball disappeared.
Do’omaz stopped dancing, atleast that was the plan, only his feet didn’t comply fast enuff and he fell face forward to the canvas.
“Hihihihihihihihi” he grinned.
He pulled himself of the ground (hey, he knew that trick also!!) and stood up.
“LOOK AT WHAT YOU HAVE DONE WITH MY CLOTHES!!” He heard someone yell.
“THEIR ALL BURNED TO A CRISP!!”
Do’omaz looked up and looked GuaRRand straight in the eye.
There wasn’t a nose lenght between their two faces.
“RIGHT…THATS IT…NO MORE MISTER NICE WIZARD!!” GuaRRand yelled.
He was really mad, those had been his best Levi’s!!
Before Do’omaz could recover from the shock, GuaRRand threw some black stuff on the ground, stomped it and waved his hands in an intricate set of movements.
A puff of smoke rose up between the two and a figure started to appear from the smoke.
Do’omaz, a bit intrigued at the pretty smoke, moved closer to with his face.
A woman appeared from the smoke.
It was a woman in her mid 40’ies Do’omaz guessed.
“Funnyyyy, what’s thiz then, do u intend to entertain me with old women??”
GuaRRand looked with blood red eyes and trembling hands at Do’omaz and yelled:
“PH34R MY MOST EVIL SPELL
Do’omaz looked from GuaRRand, to the woman and back to GuaRRand.
“Ur kiddin me right?” he grinned.
“If this is ur most powerful spell, what do u do with ur other spells, bake cookies?”
GuaRRand relaxed a bit and tried to gain back some dignity, which was hard, standing almost nekkid in a crowd filled arena.
The spell was now complete, the woman stood in between the two and gazed at Do’omaz.
“Do’omaz, meet my Mother-in-law, Mom..meet Do’omaz” said GuaRRand
Do’omaz, still very giddy, grinned at the woman and was about to say something when GuaRRand’s Mother-in-law exploded.
“WHAT HAVE U DONE WITH MY CHILDS HUSBAND!!, JUST LOOK, HE’S A MESS, YOU HAVE RUINED HIS CLOTHES. DO YOU KNOW WHO MADE THOSE FOR HIM??..WELL DO YOU?, NO OFCOURSE YOU DON’T, YOU WIZARDS ARE ALL THE SAME, NEVER THINKING ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE THEN YOUR OWN REPUTATION. I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I MADE THOSE FOR HIM AND NOW THEIR RUINED. JUST WAIT UNTIL I GET MY HANDS ON YOU!!…”
Do’omaz took a step back.
“Errrrmm..m’am, please, lookout, i don’t wanna..”
“DON’T WANNA WHAT??, ARE YOU THREATHENING ME NOW??. OH, THIS IS GETTING PERSONAL NOW. THREATHEN ME WILL YOU!!. WELL JUST SEE WHOM THREATHENS WHO. NOBODY THREATHENS ME AND GETS AWAY WITH IT..”
She moved over to Do’omaz, who in turn took another step back, turned around and ran out of the ring, with GuaRRand’s Mother-in-law hot on his heels.
“MISS, PLEASE, DON’T…” he screamed.
“DON’T YOU MISS ME YOU LOUZY EXCUSE FOR A WIZARD” she yelled back.
The ran out of view.
GuaRRand, now fully calm again, looked at the spectacle and couldn’t help but grin.
“To bad i had to use that spell so early in the contest, but he had it coming” he said to himself.
The announcer, who hadn’t even had the time to properly introduce the contestants, came into the ring, put a complementary cloak around GuaRRand’s shoulders and addressed the crowd.
“AND THE WINNER OF THIS very weird MATCH IS….ALEXGEEWIZ!!!!”
The crowd cheered.
Walking away from the ring, GuaRRand started wondering how Do’omaz could have come up with a fireball that size so quick. Normally that would have taken minutes if not ten’s of minutes to prepare.
The only strange thing he could remember was the strange odour that emanated from Do’omaz.
Shrugging GuaRRand walked to the McDonalds. This fighting gave him a huge appetite.
More to come..stay tuned...blah
16th Nov 01, 10:19 AM
W T F ? ? ?
you have me running from yo mo'in'lawn?
now i´m scared to come to your wedding next year k..
16th Nov 01, 7:04 PM
A Gurrandian family reunion would case the destruction of space and time.
16th Nov 01, 7:09 PM
If not that, then it would permenantly warp the minds of all living creatures beyond the possibility of salvage.
16th Nov 01, 7:42 PM
AlexGeeWizz is taking on the members of #homeworld and destroying them.....at last Guar,your plans have become clear.......:D
19th Nov 01, 6:24 AM
So don't fawk with me k...u might be next :)
19th Nov 01, 3:04 PM
OMG...anyone achiving this>:D
19th Nov 01, 3:45 PM
omg guaRR. you've been stealing a lot of Panth's X haven't you?
ps I want in
19th Nov 01, 4:39 PM
Stealing loadsa panties???
19th Nov 01, 7:05 PM
hey, dont joke about squirrels biting people man. my grandmother was killed when I was three while she was gardening...she was bitten by a squirrel and died of rabies.
20th Nov 01, 2:34 AM
And i should have know about this....HOW exactly?
Next time i'll use elephants or something :D
21st Nov 01, 9:40 AM
All good things come from above
“I’ve never felt this hot before”
“I don’t know whats wrong with me, maybe i am sick”
“I can’t even see where i am, it’s all so dark”
“I can’t move very well either”
“My skin is glowing…”
“WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?”
Opening the sunbed, GuaRRand fell out.
He was red all over his body and steam actually rose up from his head and buttocks.
“OUCH OUCH OUCH..WATER, WATER!!!” he yelled
He had fallen asleep under the sunbed, something that is generaly known to be bad for your skin.
A skinny young man entered the booth with a bucket of water.
The man eyed GuaRRand…GuaRRand eyed the man, then he eyed the bucket, the bucket eyed back (magic…go figure).
Before GuaRRand could open his mouth, the man poured bucket over GuaRRand.
“HOLD IT..STOP IT” he yelled.
“But sir, your burning up” the man apologised
“I know, but you can’t pour a bucket, u have to pour the water u idiot!!!” GuaRRand pointed out.
After drying himself and putting on some clothes, GuaRRand decided to visit the local pharmacy here to get some salve for his burned skin.
It would be very bad form to enter his next fight without being able lift his arms.
Walking up to the pharmacy, fittingly called The Pharmacy, he bumped up to someone.
“#@%&#$@&AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH” he screamed.
With tears forming in his eyes he looked up and saw a man towering above him.
“DIDN’T YOU SEE THE SIGN!! GuaRRand yelled
“What sign?” replied the big man
“That one over there” said GuaRRand
“Yes i did” the man replied again.
“Weeeellll???” GuaRRand asked with mounting anger
“Well, it means no dogs allowed!” said the man
GuaRRand turned around and looked at the sign.
“I could have sworn it was a Watch out where u walk sign” said GuaRRand
“Nope” said the man with a grin and walked off again.
GuaRRand entered the Pharmacy.
The smell in the pharmacy was almost unbearable.
Thousands of herbs and potions filled the walls.
He walked over to the counter, almost tripped over the bear, and said:
“THIS IS A STICKUP, SO STICK-EM-UP!”
“Come again??” asked the clerc.
“Nothing, just something i always wanted to say” grinned GuaRRand
The clerc looked at GuaRRand with a droopy face stare.
“Riight, what can i do for you!?”
“I need an salve for burned skin” GuaRrand said.
“DUUUHH, what do i look like?, a migdet ogre or something?” asked GuaRRand with slight sarcasme.
“That would be Verticaly Challenged Ogre sir” said the clerc.
“You should go into politics” GuaRRand remarked with an annoyed face.
The clerc turned around and started to rummage through the potions and salves behind him.
“Nope..all out of human skin salves” he stated
“WHAT!?, all out???…but..but” GuaRRand stuttered
“I have a fight in about 4 hours, i can’t go out there like this!!”
“I wouldn’t be able to cast one spell…i can’t even move my arms more then a few inches!!” He said.
“Sorry” The clerc said while he started to clean the counter.
“Now, could u please leave, there are other customers waiting”
GuaRRand moved his face close to the clercs face.
“U know who i am??” He hissed
“No, but i know your annoying” the clerc hissed back
“What’s ur name little man” GuaRRand asked with a red head (duuh..it was burned)
“Doekath …SIR” the clerc said with an air of superiority
(that would explain the smell also, guarrand thought in the back of his mind)
“I will remember you Doekoeth” GuaRRand said
“Doekath” The clerc corrected
“Whatevah…” GuaRRand said and turned around and walked away.
30 minutes left before his 3rd encounter.
GuaRRand had spend the last 3 hours rubbing himself with cheeze.
Cheeze was good for everything.
But, this time his cheeze had failed him. He was full of blisters and burned skin.
This would be one fawked up fight. He had no change in Abyss of winning this game against someone who had already won 2 matches.
Who was he playing anyway!?. He didn’t have time to check the contestboard.
Well, he would meet his opponent soon enuff.
The 30 minutes flew by
<put smart remark here>
GuaRRand hestantly entered the ring.
The crowed cheered.
GuaRRand waved at the crowed…and instantly wished he hadn’t.
He jumped up and down from the pain that shot through his arms.
The crowed, thinking this was all part of the show, cheered even louder.
His opponent had already arrived.
He was standing with his back turned towards him, so he couldn’t see who it was.
“Well, this is certainly not good for my bloodpressure” GuaRRand said to himself.
The announcer entered the ring.
“LADIES, GENTLEMEN AND VARIOUS MONSTERS FROM AROUND THE COUNTRY, WELCOME TO THIS 3rd ROUND OF THE WWF, World Wizards Federation, WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS!!”
TONIGHTS CONTESTANTS ARE… IN THE LEFT CORNER, WEIGHING ALMOST TO MUCH, SLAYER OF CYPHER AND DO’OMAH…IIIIITS ALEXGEEWIZ!!!”.
The announcer pushed a button and the crowed cheered again.
“AND IN THE SOUTH SOUTH EAST CORNER, THE MAN WITH MANY TALENTS, THE EATER OF FRENCH FRIES, THE ALWAYS LUVABLE….DOEKATH!!!”
The crowed cheered again.
“WTF, THATS THE PHARMASIST!!” GuaRRand yelled
Doekath turned around and smilled vividly and wickedly
(10 cookies to the person who sees the easteregg)
“If it isn’t the burned cookie” He laughed
“Atleast i will heal!!”
“I know Pharmasists that won’t, after this fight” GuaRRand sneered.
Doekath laughed again.
The curtain fell
Doekath quickly did the mambo combined with the chachacha and the rumba and dissappeared with a puff of smoke.
GuaRRand, unable to counter a rampaging speck of dust, let alone any spell that Doekath could throw at him, stood motionless.
“Where did he go” He wondered.
A puff sounded behind him.
He quickly turned around, which was roughly the speed of that of a snail climbing a steep wall.
Doekath was standing right behind him…well, now infront of him, since GuaRRand just turned around.
“Gotcha” Doekath yelled started poking GuaRRand in the ribs and on his forehead with his fingers.
“OUCH, HEY, STOP THAT, OUCH, AAAAH” GuaRRand screamed.
GuaRRand tried desperatly to get away, but he was no match for Doekath’s speed in this condition.
“Give up yet?” Doekath asked
“NEVER!!, OUCH, OUCH”
“I will..OUCH..skin you…OUCH…alive when i…OUCH…get my hands….AAAAHH…on you” GuaRRand said with anger in his voice.
Doekath laughed again and kept up poking him.
This ritual went on for almost 10 minutes.
Then, all of a sudden GuaRRand dropped to the canvas.
Doekath stopped and stared at GuaRRand.
“Give up yet?” He asked
GuaRRand was inclined to do just that.
He couldn’t do a thing.
He was now hurting in places he didn’t even now he had.
Yes, he would give up and let himself be transferred to his home where his wife would put some salve on his burning body.
GuaRRand looked at Doekath.
The ring exploded in a thousand pieces.
GuaRRand was thrown outta the ring and onto the ground some 20 mtrs from where the ring stood.
HAD stood. The ring was completely destroyed.
Pieces of wood, steel and canvas were flying around everywhere.
It looked like a smartbomb had hit the ring.
GuaRRand stood up and walked as fast as he could to the remains of the ring.
20 minutes later he stood at ringside…ex-ringside.
He looked at the mess and wondered where Doekath was.
“AHA…THERE YOU ARE!!..THINK YOU CAN HIDE FOREVER DO YA!!” he heard a voice yell from the debris.
A large figure jumped up from the debris and headed toward GuaRRand.
“Here we go” he said to himself.
“FIZBAN!!!” the voice yelled
GuaRRand couldn’t believe it, it was that annoying 16V Turbo dragon with the red striping again.
The dragon came running at him.
“Oh wait….it’s you again, isn’t it…” The dragon said
“Yes, it’s me, not fizban, just me, ME ME ME ME!!..” GuaRRand said annoyed
“Did u make this mess??” he asked
“ME??…errmm…i think i did, i still have difficulty landing properly like the other dragons” the dragon said with a sad voice.
“Well great…nothing to be done about it now” GuaRRand said
GuaRRand looked around. He was kinda expecting to see Doekath emerge from the debris somewhere.
“Errr….sir” said the dragon
“I think i landed on something that belongs to you” Said the dragon
“I kinda landed on it”
“Something of mine, what then?” GuaRRand asked without paying much attention
The dragon turned around and showed GuaRRand a big red spot with some left over pieces of cloth on his beehind.
“Well” said GuaRRand, examinig the red spot and catching some faint smell of herbs.
“I think i have won this match also” he grinned
After showing the evidence to the judges and explaining that that explosion was all his doing (some great secret spell he had been working on), GuaRRand was awarded the victory.
This wasn’t such a bad day afterall he thought to himself while he was soaking in a cold bath of milk (good for the skin)
I wonder what wonders will happen next .
More next ...errr...week?
Great praise to GuaRR for such aptitude in writing odd stories. It oddly almost doesn't seem like it's fiction to you...
22nd Nov 01, 6:45 AM
What?..u mean my diary here?
Whats fiction about that!?
ARE YOU CALLING ME A FICTIONAL CHARACTER??
*gets his flying carpet and sails of to distant shinzillaland to bakka shin over the head*
4th Jan 02, 6:38 AM
Currently working on chapters 8 through 10...
And in anticipation of those...
22nd Feb 02, 7:53 AM
The last day
It was the last day of the contest.
GuaRRand had faced all his opponents and managed to stare the longest.
He was one fight away from total rulership of the know universe…and beyond.
Either that or a real nifty copper plated wand.
He hadn’t really kept up with the matched the last two days.
The milk bath and the McWyverns and the marvellous gnomecircus had kept him busy between his last match and today's final.
The GnomeCircus had been a h00t.
The 7…err…6 Gnomes performed all kinds of interesting acrobatics like juggling two straws on top of each other, juggling 3 straws on top of each other and they even juggled 4 straws on top of eacht other.
Although nothing could compete with the "juggling 6 gnomes on top of each other" stunt.
It didn’t quite workout though…and now they had to rename the act to the " 5 gnome juggling act".
Anyway, it was time for him to check up on his last opponent.
"Heya Scoreboard, who’s my final opponent" GuaRRand asked
"Zhinzilla" the scoreboard answered.
"DAMN, he’s actually quite good" GuaRRand said
"I saw him once battling a bunch of goblins who kept shouting, UPDATE, INPUT, FIX IT"
"I didn’t think he would make it outta there alive, but he managed to beat them against all odds with something called Bugfixing"
"I never understood what that meant".
A bit worried, GuaRRand started roaming about the contest area and thinking of ways to beat Zhinzilla.
While GuaRRand was roaming, Zhinzilla was also preparing for battle.
"BWHAHAHA..snort..HAHAHAHA, I will crush and beat and stomp and KILL HIM DEAD!!" he yelled.
Next to him, Doekath, Do’omAz and Cypher stood grinning like crazy.
"He will pay for humiliating us" said Cypher
"Us?, You were the one running around nekkid in the forrest screaming your little lungs out" said Doekath
"Hey, you got squashed by a dragon he summoned" said Cypher
"Speaking of which….ermm…didn’t that dragon turn u into nothing more then a red stain on his ass?" said Do’omaz
"Drat" said Doekath and disappeared outta the story.
"OK guys, stop making a fool outta this story and lets get on with it" said Zhinzilla
"How can u make a fool outta a story?, don’t you mean the storywriter?" asked Do’omaz
"HEY!!, STOP ARGUEING WITH ME OR DO I HAVE TO RELEASE THAT MOTHER-IN-LAW THAT WAS CHASING YOU?!?" yelled Zhinzilla
Turning white in the face Do’omaz quickly shut his mouth and sat down.
" Ok, here’s the plan"
"I have this really secretive and cunning friend who…."
[The mumbling became to soft to hear..sorry. Let's get back to GuaRRand]
The McDonalds – Contest area
Munching away on his 3rd McWyvern, GuaRRand was still pondering how to defeat Zhinzilla.
He had some ideas, but after using his two most prized spells already, Summon Mother-in-law and Summon Killer Squirrels he was now left with few really powerful spells.
He would have to be really cunning, like his all-time favourite TV personality…Baldric, to beat Zhinzilla.
30 minutes…it was time to head to the main arena, which was especially colourful for today's match.
Red and Pink ribbons flew overhead, music was played everywhere, pink elephants wandered around ringside as if it was springbreak (god how he hated not being able to be at springbreak this year!).
GuaRRand made his way up the stairs, through the door, down an ally, under a gate, past the guardgnome, over the spidertrap and through the ropes.
The crowd cheered…the music played, the elephants squashed some people who got to close. How he loved these contests.
Zhinzilla was already in the ring.
He was a tiny man, big glasses, big feet (no shoes??…geeezz) and a rather funny, bloated head.
"WEEELLLLL…..the man of the hour finally arrived" Zhinzilla said, with but a hint of sarcasm in his voice.
"Glad u appreciate my presence" said GuaRRand and he bowed.
"So, u intend to actually go through with this match?" Zhinzilla asked
"Well…DUUUHHH" GuaRRand said
"Ok then, it’s your BBQ then" Zhinzilla said with a big grin on his face.
"Errmmm…right…whatever rocks your robe" GuaRRand replied
After the announcements made by the….announcer (duh), both men started to rummage through their pockets.
Zhinzilla made the first move…
Zhinzilla threw a bunch of cards on the floor, sat down and started to organise them.
"I CALL UPON A FIREELEMENTAL!!.." he screamed and he quickly positioned a few cards sideways and put another card in the middle of the ring.
"BWHAHAHAHAA..BEAT THAT" Zhinzilla shouted
GuaRRand, a bit taken by surprise by this weird action, walked over to the cards and looked at them.
The cards had pictures on them and text.
The one Zhinzilla had put in the middle had a drawing of somekind of fire creature on it.
"Fire elemental 4/4" he read out loud.
GuaRRand looked at Zhinzilla, who still sat infront of him with a big smirk on his face..
"COMON…COUNTER MY FIRE ELEMENTAL IF U CAN!!..MUWHAHAHAHAHAHA"
"Are you serious?" GuaRRand asked.
Taken back by this obvious lack of disrespect, Zhinzilla stood up and started rummaging through his cards.
"Right then…if you don’t wanna counter…I will…..just…lemme….find…AHAHAHA!! GOT IT"
Zhinzilla threw another card in the middle of the ring, next to the other one and put a few others sideways again.
"Have it your way then….try to stop my fire elemental AND MY SHIVAN DRAGON!!!" Zhinzilla said
GuaRRand, who was now utterly confused and dumbstruck by this turn of events, didn’t really know what to make of this.
The man was obviously a complete nutter.
"WELL??? AREN’T YOU SCARED STIFF??..RUN..RUN IF U CAN!!..MWUAHAHAHAHAHA" he heard Zhinzilla scream
Zhinzilla was jumping up and down now and laughing like a complete m0r0n.
This is ridiculous GuaRRand thought.
He walked over towards the cards.
"MUWHAHAhahahehe..he..hehe…HEY!?, what are you doing?" Zhinzilla said
GuaRRand didn’t reply and walked over to the cards…and kicked them out the ring, into the public.
"Hey, u can’t just…but…STOP THAT!!" Zhinzilla screamed
"This has gone far enuff" GuaRRand said while he started to get the components for a spell.
"YOU CAN’T JUST KICK MY CARDS AWAY!!…CYPHER SAID THAT….ooops…ermm..nm" Zhinzilla said
GuaRRand looked up.
"Cypher??, u mean u had help from Cypher??" GuaRRand asked
"Well, see, its like this..ermmm…Do’omaz and Doekath well…errmmm..help?" Zhinzilla whined.
"Do’omaz and Doekath also??" GuaRRand asked with an incredulous look on his face.
"BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA….and this is all you could come up with??…A BUNCH OF CARDS!?" GuaRRand laughed.
"Well..They're really nice looking cards. see, this one has a nice drawing of a bunch of trees…and this one…" Zhinzilla started to gather his cards
from the floor.
"See this one has a beautiful drawing of a lady in red on the front….and..and this one.." Zhinzilla sat down and started to talk about the red and blue cards and the beautiful art on them and how the felt like silk under his fingers.
GuaRRand looked at Zhinzilla and shook his head.
"How the great have fallen……or sat down rather" he smiled.
After a word with our sponsor, the announcer and some men in white jackets (nice van!!) the jury decided to declare GuaRRand the whine….errmm.. winner of this years contest.
GuaRRand was led to a tall pedestrian…!?..errr…pedestal and told to "wait there".
After a few minutes, a woman walked up to him, threw him piece of paper and yelled "HERE YA GO..GG AND BUHBYE!!"
Not really sure what to do, GuaRRand waited a few more minutes.
After two days, GuaRRand decided that the jury had probably forgotten about him or taken a wrong turn somewhere and gotten lost.
So he decided to go look for them.
He got off the pedestrian, who was very glad to finally get this heavy man off his shoulders after two days, and set of in search for the jury…and his prize.
Well, to make a long story short….no Jury, no babes to kiss, no wand to take home, no freaking contest anywhere!!
The whole place was as clean as a baby dragon's bottom.
Everything was gone…except a small sign in the middle of the forrest, where the contest-ring had been.
GuaRRand walked over to the sign and read.
GAME OVER U WIN, PLEASE BUY PART 2 WHEN ITS RELEASED!!, no we don’t have a releasedate yet
-END- (for now)
22nd Feb 02, 12:55 PM
GuaRR this is a work of genius. You are win.
- ion -
22nd Feb 02, 1:38 PM
15th Mar 02, 8:02 AM
18th Mar 02, 8:10 PM
GuaRRand you could replace the sadly lost Douglas Adams. You write with the same randomnessity whic still makes sense at the same time. Well done! Now I'm off to get lemon wrapped golden brick out of head.....
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