The New Exodus

[Deathzealot]

Here is my first Fan-Fic on this site but its not my first fan-fic because i post a bad story named Trident at the Sierra Boards. So here it is I hope you like it please tell me what you think.

Intro

The year is 32 AHL and the Galaxy is at peace. The Taidan Imperials are ether Destroyed, Joined the Taidan Republic or joined the few Taidan pirate groups that formed after the downfall of the Imperialist Faction. The Turanic Raiders are now the Turanic Federation and are Allies to the Kushen people. But even with the Imperials gone and the Turanic as allies, the Galaxy remains a dangerous place to be for the Kushen and Taidan. Because of this, new technologies are being seen throughout the Galaxy. There are the new Ion weapons. Like the new Ion-Helix that is used in the new “Dervish” Frigates and in some captil ships that need strikecraft defense. Also the new Ion Canon Frigate which has two Ion Canons instead of one have been seen. There are also new ship designs that are being seen in the Kushen Navy and the Taidan Navy like the new Command ships based on the Mothership and the ‘Kuun-Lan’ and the other Explorer Class Command ships. A another few new carrier designs like the new Light, Medium, and Heavy carriers have been put into service. There are also new a new cruiser design the Light Cruiser which replaces the Heavy turrets with medium turrets. But this story is not about the Kushen or the Taidan but of the Terrans and their discovery of Two Spaceships. One buried in Miles of sand under one of their oceans and the other one under their south polar icecap. From these two ships they learned of their true origin, Hiigara their home…..

:)

[SephirCloud]

Interesting...

[Deathzealot]

Prologue
Sol System, Earth, Hiigaran year 31 AHL, Terran year 2005 AD

My name is Lt. John (Deathzealot) Ryan and this is my Journal…

I stopped as the red alert Klaxon sounded. I mumbled “damn I just got here why can’t the darn Asians wait a another few hours to attack” as I put my flight suit on. Then I ran towards the Door and pulled it open and ran down the hall towards my squadrons briefing room. I ran into the room and looked around and saw a seat in the 3rd row by one of the pilots that I meant when I got to this base.

“Hi Wolf can I sit here.” I said to him

“Sure Death go ahead oh and the commander forgot to tell you that I am your wingman and your Squadron call sign is Shark 16” he replied

“Thanks Wolf what’s happening” I nodded towards the front of the room which had a red alert sign on the wall

“I don’t know probably a attack on a merchant vessel or a U-colony” He shook his head

“Asians, man I am sick of this war Wolf. Ever hear of the M.A.D.D theory man now that is what happening” I look down at the front of the room.

“You got that right Death, man ever since those damn Terrorist Hit the WTC in New York four years ago. There been hit after hit after hit on the Taliban but they did not what to give up and then Most of Asia siding with the Taliban man that’s what started this world war…” he stopped as the commander walk in and took his place in the front of the room.

“Thank you for being quit and patience pilots first of all let me introduced the new pilot to the Squadron stand up please (I got up) this is Lt. John Ryan he will be in Shark 16 and his call sign is Deathzealot or just Death right” he looked at me

“Yes sir” I replied

“Thank you Lt. Please be sited o.k. Lets get to business the U-colony of Coral Bay is under attack by Asian u-fighters the colony Militia is holding up on its own but a Asian Sub fleet is heading towards the colony our job is to intercept the enemy u-fighters while the bomber wing Beta is going to strafe the subs they will be followed by the local attack subs ‘New York’ and ‘Catseye’ they will finish up the enemy subs. Ok is there eny questions” No one said anything “No Ok get to your fighters”

We did and got there in a few minutes. I looked at my fighter and I smiled because it was a new U-16 Shark Beta fighter. Which is coolest U-fighter anywhere. I climbed to the cockpit and look down below the cockpit at the new Plasma canons that was found to operate underwater. I also looked around the craft at the shape that was common to the U-fighter a Manta shape. Also I looked at wing with 4 torpedoes hanging from them. I slid into the Cockpit itself and put the helmet that was on dash on over my head. Then I put my Oxygen mask on. I looked around and found the switches I was looking for. I flip on the switches to on or ready position. I waited for all the lights on the Status board to turn green. When that was done I keyed my Com unit as my squadron were checking in. I waited tell the Check came to Wolf right after him I said, “This is Shark 16 all lights are green and ready to go”.

After that we were led by the rail system to the Airlock blue 4 and waited while the water filled the chamber. When the water filled the chamber the rails let us go the Commanders voice came through the com unit and said “Ok Sharks lets go and one more thing if there is any bombers take them out then go after the fighters that’s it, go full burn immediately after you clear the airlock ready GO”. With that we launched and headed towards a battle that would will change our lives forever.

15 Minutes later

“Sh*t Wolf get this guy of my tail will you” I yelled at com unit

“Got that Death consider that guy Wolf-bait” he said as his plasma canons fired and sheered the fighters wings off then another volley finish it.

‘Thanks Wolf now let me get this bomber” I switched to Torps and got a target lock and fired. The missile streak toward the target but it didn’t hit instead missed and hit he bottom of the bay. I frowned and fired again but this time it went directly down and hit the bottom like the other one but this one hit something and blew it up.

“Sh*t, Wolf cover am going to down to the deck” I barley heard him saying “WHAT!!” as I flew towards the hole that my Torps made. All of sudden my sensors screamed saying that there metal down at least one mile. I said “Ah commander you better come and see this, I think I found something.”

What has John found?

An old sub.

Or

A wreckage of some ship.

He doesn’t now do you.

[Ben Tusi]

I know it is your first fanfic, but allow me to do some critiquing. Here are just some helpful hints that may improve the quailty of your story.

Try not to rush the storyline. Put as much detail into the story as possible. Try and expand on anything you can, making it look much more professional and intresting. Try and expand the prolouge into about two or three chapters, by putting tons and tons of detail into them. A good way to do this is pretending your readers know nothing about what your talking about, so you should try to explain about the fictional technologies, charactors, homeworld races, the history of the terrorist attacks and the Taliban, etc.

Pay attention to the use of punctuation. Run-on sentances are bad things.

Try not to confuse words, such as "Site" with "sit." I know this all too well from experiance.


I was once a fiction newb too. Take those, and every, sujestion you get, and try and apply it. From experiance, I know it does wonders.

Putting that aside, it looks like you have a very intresting plot, and I'm looking forward to the next part of the story.

[Deathzealot]

hope you like this


Chapter 1: The Hero

Hiigaran System, Hiigara, Hiigaran year 31AHL, Terran Year 2005

‘This is the Kuun-Lan, to all ships Warning we are firing our Siege Canon Get clear” The Com Squawked in Captain James Soban’s Blade Interceptor Mk7.6 Fighter. Which had more firepower then other Blades and had 8 missiles, 6 are for fighters, the last two are for heavier ships. James Growled to himself “Why can’t those damn miners stay with mining instead of fighting and leave the fighting to real warriors on the other hand they do have a Siege Canon and there is a lot on enemy fighters out here”. James Switch COM channels to his Squadron’s “Ok guys lets bug out and bet how many fighters can the Siege Canon take out” James laughed at the Reponses his squadron said.

“Man lets get out of here” said his Squadron’s Tactical Officer

“I bet that all the Pirate’s Strike Craft will be destroyed,” said James friend and Kiithmate Ryan Soban who is his XO too

“Cut the chatter 2 and 4” James growled into the COM unit

“Right boss” said Ryan

“Ok sir chatter is cut,” said his the TO who’s name is Jack Manaan by the way

About that time the Siege Canon fired and the Huge Ball of Light streaked toward the fighter cloud and went past the retreating Republican and Kushen Fighters and went directly towards the Pirate Fighters. Knowing what the ball can do they turned and headed for there capital ships but they will not get there in time because the ball reached where there targeting zone was and blew up. The shock wave destroyed all but a few fighters who were fast enough to make it past the blast radius. James smiled and thought ‘Now its even. What they are heading towards that carrier! Yes we WON!!!!!!’

“Ok guys stand down and wait for orders” He looked out his viewport and saw the fighters dock with a carrier. Then Blue gates formed in front of them and started towards the ships. The ships slip through the gates and disappeared. That was it no more Bandits in this system.

Sol System, Earth, Hiigaran year 31AHL, Terran Year 2005


“Amazing ship, look at that now that is a real spaceship” the President of the U.N said.

“Mr. President yes it is a real spaceship but the Question what do we do with it” said his Technology Advisor

“Where is it and who found it” he shook his head and smiled not believing what he saw on the Hologram

“North Atlantic Ocean and the person who found it is Lt. John Ryan a U-Pilot Mr. President” the Military Commander said looking through a file then looked up and handed the President the file.

“Amazing record and the highest score on the commanders test then eny one I saw but me, oh and A lot of good comments for his teachers and trainers” he said as he was looking through the file on the pilot

“Mr. President what do we do with this ship” the T.A said looking at him

“Ok get the best scientists and tech wizards to go over this and tell them they can do ever they think is good also General get a garrison there and protect at all cost. Oh and more thing give this pilot a promotion and the medals of Valor, Bravery and also the Heroes award” he said as he walk out the door

There were echoes of “Yes sir” and then people started doing stuff to see what was in the ship.

What is in the ship?

New Technology

Or

Surprises


:o

[SephirCloud]

Nice, interesting plot... some suggestions.

You mix up present/past tense a bit, some grammer errors. Fix up the little things, and the chapter will flow much more smoothly.

[Deathzealot]

Thanks but this story is just a warmup after im done me and my dad are going through it and edit it and revise then it be aswsome.

thanks for the comment

[Silver Scorpion]

more more more more.....

:D

[Deathzealot]

ok ok ok hold on for a few days because am been busy the past few days and can't do this and my homework everyday so i slowly write it. oh and a four day weekend is coming up i sholud be done with the story at end of that weekend.

thank you and hold on i will post will i done with the second chapter :p :cool:

[Deathzealot]

hey guys i have bad news the story is getting to be :( a mess
so am going to repost it with a little reviseing it well be with Chapter 2 and then i will be more careful writing it.

[Deathzealot]

The New Exodus

Intro
The year is 32 AHL and the Galaxy is at peace. The Taidan Imperials are ether Destroyed, Joined the Taidan Republic or joined the few Taidan pirate groups that formed after the downfall of the Imperialist Faction. The Turanic Raiders are now the Turanic Federation and are Allies to the Kushen people. But even with the Imperials gone and the Turanic as allies, the Galaxy remains a dangerous place to be. Because of this, new technologies are being seen throughout the Galaxy. There are the new Ion weapons. Like the new Ion-Helix that is used in the new “Dervish” Frigates that has twice the amount of turrets then the first “Dervish”. Also the new Ion Canon Frigate which has two Ion Canons instead of one have been seen. There are also new ship designs that are being seen in the Kushen Navy and the Taidan Navy like the new Command ships based on the Mothership and the ‘Kuun-Lan’ and the other Explorer Class Command ships. An another few new carrier designs like the new Light, Medium, and Heavy carriers have been put into service. There are also new a new cruiser design the Light Cruiser which replaces the Heavy turrets with medium turrets. But this story is not about the Kushen or the Taidan but of the Terrans who now are launching their largest Spaceship ever the ‘Hope’. But let’s not start there so we will go back to their discovery of Two Spaceships. One buried in Miles of sand under one of their oceans and the other one under their south polar icecap. From these two ships they learned of their true origin, Hiigara their home…

Prologue
Sol System, Earth, Hiigaran year 76 BHL, Terran year 2005 AD

My name is Lt. John (Deathzealot) Ryan and this is my Journal…

I stopped as the red alert Klaxon sounded. I mumbled “damn I just got here why can’t the darn Asians wait a another few hours to attack” as I put my flight suit on. Then I ran towards the Door and pulled it open and ran down the hall towards my squadrons briefing room. I ran into the room and looked around and saw a seat in the 3rd row by one of the pilots that I meant when I got to this base.

“Hi Wolf can I sit here.” I said to him

“Sure Death go ahead oh and the commander forgot to tell you that I am your wingman and your Squadron call sign is Shark 16” he replied

“Thanks Wolf what’s happening” I nodded towards the front of the room which had a red alert sign on the wall

“I don’t know probably a attack on a merchant vessel or a U-colony” He shook his head

“Asians, man I am sick of this war Wolf. Ever hear of the M.A.D.D theory man now that is what happening” I look down at the front of the room.

“You got that right Death, man ever since those damn Terrorist Hit the WTC in New York four years ago. There been hit after hit after hit on the Taliban but they did not what to give up and then Most of Asia siding with the Taliban man that’s what started this world war…” he stopped as the commander walk in and took his place in the front of the room.

“Thank you for being quit and patience pilots first of all let me introduced the new pilot to the Squadron stand up please (I got up) this is Lt. John Ryan he will be in Shark 16 and his call sign is Deathzealot or just Death right” he looked at me

“Yes sir” I replied

“Thank you Lt. Please be sited o.k. Lets get to business the U-colony of Coral Bay is under attack by Asian u-fighters the colony Militia is holding up on its own but a Asian Sub fleet is heading towards the colony our job is to intercept the enemy u-fighters while the bomber wing Beta is going to strafe the subs they will be followed by the local attack subs ‘New York’ and ‘Catseye’ they will finish up the enemy subs. Ok is there eny questions” No one said anything “No Ok get to your fighters”

We did and got there in a few minutes. I looked at my fighter and I smiled because it was a new U-16 Shark Beta fighter. Which is coolest U-fighter anywhere. I climbed to the cockpit and look down below the cockpit at the new Plasma canons that was found to operate underwater. I also looked around the craft at the shape that was common to the U-fighter a Manta shape. Also I looked at wing with 4 torpedoes hanging from them. I slid into the Cockpit itself and put the helmet that was on dash on over my head. Then I put my Oxygen mask on. I looked around and found the switches I was looking for. I flip on the switches to on or ready position. I waited for all the lights on the Status board to turn green. When that was done I keyed my Com unit as my squadron were checking in. I waited tell the Check came to Wolf right after him I said, “This is Shark 16 all lights are green and ready to go”.

After that we were led by the rail system to the Airlock blue 4 and waited while the water filled the chamber. When the water filled the chamber the rails let us go the Commanders voice came through the com unit and said “Ok Sharks lets go and one more thing if there is any bombers take them out then go after the fighters that’s it, go full burn immediately after you clear the airlock ready GO”. With that we launched and headed towards a battle that would will change our lives forever.

15 Minutes later

“Sh*t Wolf get this guy of my tail will you” I yelled at COM unit

“Got that Death consider that guy Wolf-bait,” he said as his plasma canons fired and sheered the fighters wings off then another volley finish it.

‘Thanks Wolf now let me get this bomber” I switched to Torps and got a target lock and fired. The missile streak toward the target but it didn’t hit instead missed and hit the bottom of the bay. I frowned and fired again but this time it went directly down and hit the bottom like the other one but this one hit something and blew it up.

“Sh*t, Wolf cover am going to the deck” I barley heard him saying “WHAT!!” as I flew towards the hole that my Torps made. All of sudden my sensors screamed saying that there metal down at least one mile. I said “Ah commander you better come and see this, I think I found something.”

What has John found?

An old sub.

Or

A wreckage of some type of ship.

He doesn’t now do you.


Chapter 1: The Hero

Hiigaran System, Hiigara, Hiigaran year 31AHL, Terran Year 2114

‘This is the Kuun-Lan, to all ships Warning we are firing our Siege Canon Get clear” The Com Squawked in Captain James Soban’s Blade Interceptor Mk7.6 Fighter. Which had more firepower then other Blades and had 8 missiles, 6 are for fighters, the last two are for heavier ships. James Growled to himself “Why can’t those damn miners stay with mining instead of fighting and leave the fighting to real warriors on the other hand they do have a Siege Canon and there is a lot on enemy fighters out here”. James Switch COM channels to his Squadron’s “Ok guys lets bug out and bet how many fighters can the Siege Canon take out” James laughed at the Reponses his squadron said.

“Man lets get out of here” said his Squadron’s Tactical Officer

“I bet that all the Pirate’s Strike Craft will be destroyed,” said James friend and Kiithmate Ryan Soban who is his XO too

“Cut the chatter 2 and 4” James growled into the COM unit

“Right boss” said Ryan

“Ok sir chatter is cut,” said his the TO who’s name is Jack Manaan by the way

About that time the Siege Canon fired and the Huge Ball of Light streaked toward the fighter cloud and went past the retreating Republican and Kushen Fighters and went directly towards the Pirate Fighters. Knowing what the ball can do they turned and headed for there capital ships but they will not get there in time because the ball reached where there targeting zone was and blew up. The shock wave destroyed all but a few fighters who were fast enough to make it past the blast radius. James smiled and thought ‘Now its even. What they are heading towards that carrier! Yes we WON!!!!!!’

“Ok guys stand down and wait for orders” He looked out his viewport and saw the fighters dock with a carrier. Then Blue gates formed in front of them and started towards the ships. The ships slip through the gates and disappeared. That was it no more Bandits in this system.

Sol System, Earth, Hiigaran year 76 BHL, Terran Year 2005


“Amazing ship, look at that now that is a real spaceship” the President of the U.N said.

“Mr. President yes it is a real spaceship but the Question what do we do with it” said his Technology Advisor

“Where is it and who found it” he shook his head and smiled not believing what he saw on the Hologram

“North Atlantic Ocean and the person who found it is Lt. John Ryan a U-Pilot Mr. President” the Military Commander said looking through a file then looked up and handed the President the file.

“Amazing record and the highest score on the commanders test then eny one I saw but me, oh and A lot of good comments for his teachers and trainers” he said as he was looking through the file on the pilot

“Mr. President what do we do with this ship” the T.A said looking at him

“Ok get the best scientists and tech wizards to go over this and tell them they can do ever they think is good also General get a garrison there and protect at all cost. Oh and more thing give this pilot a promotion and the medals of Valor, Bravery and also the Heroes award” he said as he walk out the door

There were echoes of “Yes sir” and then people started doing stuff to see what was in the ship.

What is in the ship?

New Technology

Or

Surprises

What do you think?


Chapter 2: The Discovery

“This is Shuttle Delta 2-01 to ‘Catseye’ come in please,” said the COM unit in John’s fighter who is now a Captain and in command of all the fighters and the Defenses, guarding the Hole as it came to be named. His command consisted of 2 platoons of marines, 8 heavy plasma turrets, 12 Anti-fighter plasma turrets, a small temporally base, 2 squads of Navy engineers trooper, 10 shark fighters, 24 Eel patrol short range fighters, 8 Manta Bombers, 4 Seal Gunships, and finely the ‘Catseye’. (The Captain is an Adviser mostly). John Keyed his COM unit and said “Delta 2-01 this Patrol Beta what’s is your Business here”. John looked out his viewport and saw the other 4 fighters of his patrol, he had set up patrols to keep Asians and Afghans out. There are 6 Normal Patrols with 1 Shark and 4 Eels, there are 2 wide Patrols with 1 Seal and 3 Eels. ”Patrol Beta I need the Commander of the Defenses, that is my Business here got that Lt.” An angry voice came over the COM unit. John almost laughed out loud but instead put some anger in his voice “Shuttle Delta 2-01 this is Beta Lead I am the commander of the defenses of the Hole you got that 2-01, so you wanted me Shuttle here I am”. Damn he thought I should have not said that to them. ”Sorry Captain for the inconvenience we didn’t know who you where but let’s get down to business. Sir we are carrying a diplomatic envoy from Asia and they what to see the ship themselves and then report back to their leaders and then come back and make sure that we will not use the technology that we get from here on them Sir.” John’s mouth fell open he looked at the COM and said.

“Shuttle that means the war is over right?” John forced himself to close his mouth and shook his head

“The main war is over but not the Operation Enduring Freedom sir that is still on” John smiled behind his faceplate that meant that the U.N is going to win the war finely

“That’s good Shuttle come on vector 5586 and in Hanger bay two standby for hanger control”- John stopped in mid sentence and looked at the COM board and saw that all the base COM channels were tied into the channel he was talking to shuttle with. That meant that every one on the base, the crew of the ‘Catseye’, the people working in the Hole, and all of the patrols, all heard him talking to the shuttle.

“Hold on one sec well you 2-01 I need to do something” John shook his head and switched to the base Channel

“Control did you hear everything I just said” John said

“yyyyyyeeeeeeessssssssss oh ah the war is over” the controller look at the screen he stopped and said

“Sorry sir oh yes we did hear you every one is partying in here and in the ‘Catseye’. But the people in the hole are singing but not dropping what they are doing- hold on a sec sir” there were a few seconds of silence then somebody talking in the background after that the Controller was back on

“Oh sir we have a another reason to party sir. The engineers just got in the ship and found their way in to a chamber with 8 funny looking pods they appear to have people in them sir but 6 of them appear to be dead and 1 is on her last string of life. The other is in top condition. They want me to contact the convoy with the Tech wizards on them for there help or the women is going to die they need your permission” Again my mouth drop open I closed it again and remembered the shuttle. I switched COM channels.

“Ok sorry shuttle for the wait we just found something in the ship and called me for permission to proceed with something Beta 2, 3, 4, 5 will escort you in and tell the envoy I am sorry for the wait and I will meet with him later”. I switched COM channels again and tapped it four times which means to escort target to the hanger. Then I changed it again and said four words.

“Control yes you may”

Who are the people?

Hostile aliens

Or

Ancient Terrans

[Deathzealot]

Hello guys eny one here :confused:

[Silver Scorpion]

hmm i think people expected the repost in the original thread and that is mayybe why nobody has noticed but the chapter is good , i'm wondering the style of your end of chapter questions they seem familiar. have you watched robotech...

[Deathzealot]

yes I did wach it but not in a long time it was on Cartoon Network alot on a thing they called Toonnami and yes that where i got from ;)

[Deathzealot]

hey go to my other thread if want to read the second chapter!!
:rolleyes:

[Omi-kun]

Keep it up, can't wait for more.

But if you want to add some heavy duty details in your story, try adding explanations in conjunction with dialogs, and use correct punctuations, for example:

“Sure, Death, go ahead. Oh, and the commander forgot to tell you that I am your wingman and your Squadron's call sign is Shark 16” he replied.

The squadron was recently reformed after the last engagement, and consequently a new call sign was called for. However, the commander was behind on his work and forgot about announcing the new members and the new call sign.


I know, it's crap, but I just made it up. Add additional details to your story (even if it has nothing to do with the story itself, as long as it gives a brief history to give your story more depth to it) so to make it longer and more interesting at the same time.

Crobato, IonFish, and bluevorlon's stories are all quite detailed. But they're pretty professional and could become quite complex as well. My story could serve as a good warm up for you;)

It's in my sig.

[Deathzealot]

Thanks but at least it is better then when I started and maybe I will put that part in. And no I have'nt read your story yet.:D

[Silver Scorpion]

bump... more :D

[Deathzealot]

ok guys I am sorry for the wait. The reason why was with Thankgiving and studying for the finals next week was getting at me and Iwas'nt really on-line that much. but i am going to start the next chapter now and prolebly finish it soon :D :cool:

[Deathzealot]

here it is Chapter 3 of the New exdous

Chapter 3: The Long Sleep

Sol System, Earth, Terran year 2006

John walked up the walkway to his house, which was also his girlfriend’s house too. We were both in the military but she is an Air Force Pilot and he is a U-pilot, which are two different things. John hasn’t seen her for 9 months and he just wanted to fall into his bed and sleep forever but he can’t do it.
Because the people found in the ship were what they called Kushen and said that we were from a another world which was hundreds of lightyears from earth. They also told about the old Empire and how they ruled peacefully for many years and were the peacemakers of the galaxy. That was in tell the Taiidan came and started to kill all the kushen one by one. When they finely got to Hiigara itself, the Kushen Imperial Fleet was there and they were not going to stand by and let the Taiidan walk into there Home system and take it over without a fight. So they started to beef up the defenses around the Homeworld and were going to make a stand there to the bitter end. Meanwhile the Imperial Flagship, its group of Super-Dreadnoughts, and the 1st Imperial Attack Fleet was going to make a stand at Karos system near their home system. Back on the Homeworld the Kushen Merchant Fleet was gearing up to transport the Citizens to the far reaches of the Galaxy. They were formed into 8 convoys and sent to Different worlds. There were the Caal, Veer, Na, Khar, Nel, Dhor, San, and Cor Convoys. The Caal was the only convoy with warships in it, they were 2 Destroyers, 4 Frigates, and 1 Carrier. All the ships but the Carrier were full with refugees, it was a last minute ship put in. It is a Old Scar class Super-Carrier which can build other Destroyers and frigates. The Kushen said that their convoy was the Caal and they now were the mighty Caal-Fer(the Scar carrier ) is. The South Polar Ice Cap they said. Right before John left teams found it below the south pole. He smiled because it was filled with a lot of good technology goodies. All the sudden there was a scream from his house that brought him to reality and saw that he was standing on the same spot that he was standing on before he starting thinking what happen the past mouths. The scream woke him up fully and he pulled his Service pistol from its holster on his hip and started to sprint towards the door of his house. He slowly pulled it open and walk in the house with his pistol first and saw in the living room, his girlfriend sprawled on the floor with her arm up and weakly blocking hits from the man standing above her. Who was saying, “ Were is the ship located tell me” she answered “I don’t now what you are talking about”. The hitter snarled and said “Wrong answer Bi**h answer me-“ he stop as John’s cool voice spoke. “Get away from her and don’t you dare call her that name again or I will blow your brains out”. The guy whirled around and did a snap kick at Johns hand but before it reach his hand John shot the gun but instead of a bullet there was a small dart flying out of it. It hit the guys foot he looked at it and fell down. John looked at his Girlfriend Kate and said “Are you all right Kate?”. She looked at him and started crying and said “*Sob* yes John Sob thanks”. She ran towards him and hugged. They kissed and at that moment the MP came and got the guy who was asking the question. Luckily one of them was a major and should know about the ‘Hole’ or now know as Operation: Homeworld. John walked towards him and said “Major this man knows about Operation: Homeworld find out why and how he knows”. The Major look at the man and said ”Roger that Captain thank you we will find out”. After that they left and now John was going to spent all the 5 weeks of leave to relax.

4 weeks later…

John went to his high school and Academy reunions. Then went to visit his family for a 2 weeks. Finally spent some quiet time at his house. He was in bed when the phone rang. He answered it and the voice, which he recognizes as General Williams Commander of Operation: Homeworld.

“Yes General what can I do for you”

“Captain in a few months we are going to launch a ship testing the Cryo system for Colony Ship when its going to launch. I want you on it don’t worry it is only going to be for 6 months”

“Sure. Will the Kushen Seijt be on it?”

“Yes, oh and you can bring one person but only if s/he is in the military report with your guest to Houston and be prepared for real live training”

“Ok sir I will go”


Ok that’s Chapter 3. 4 will be up in the next few days.

Here is the Question of the Chapter.

What do you think is going to happen?

Something bad

or

something good

tell me what you think i kinda zip through it because people at the Sierra boards told me to hurry up so i did but made the best i could make it.

[Deathzealot]

go to my other thread to read Chapter 3

[Deathzealot]

sorry guys for the wait but a am bit busy right now woth finals coming up but to crave your hunger check this out:


>>

poem removed due to its inflammatory nature

- ion -


like it i got it off the net sooooo enjoy it and the forth chapter is going up probley not tell after the finals sorry guys but am busys

Deathzealot

[Ben Tusi]

Well, the poem seems to be, kind of ... fitting for the subject of your story. Try to go easy on this subject, though, since it's a pretty hot topic.

[ionfish]

Deathzealot:

The two threads have been merged; in future try to make one thread for one story. :)

Also, please refrain from posting other people's work here, especially such politically sensitive things as the 'poem' you posted. I don't want this thread to turn into a political debate - this is the Fiction forum, not GD (http://forums.relicnews.com/forumdisplay.php?s=&forumid=2). You are entitled to your opinions, but please realise that this kind of thing is simply not appropriate material to post in this forum.

I've removed the poem due to its inflammatory nature, and this thread will remain open so you can continue your story. If you have any questions about either of the issues I've addressed, feel free to PM (http://forums.relicnews.com/private.php?s=&action=newmessage&userid=83) me.

- ion -

[Deathzealot]

Whats with the new backround? What ever here it is Chapter4:

Chapter4: Disaster

Sol System, Earth Orbit, Terran Year 2007, The UN Space Station

“Roger Control all system are go” Said John into his mike on his Helmet.

“Colonel we are ready to go” Wolf said in to the intercom on the Panel in front of him.

“Alright Captain go all personal are aboard” the intercom said back. John looked behind him at Kate who was sitting in the chair behind. She is the Sensor/COM officer also she is the back up pilot on this mission.

“You all right Kate” John said with a smile. She smiled back and said

“Yes John I am alright just pay attention to your piloting there”.

“Alright then lets go” John said. Then he reached over to Wolf’s panel and flipped the intercom on and said

“This is the cockpit all hands brace for thruster burn and undocking”. He then flipped the COM switch and then said

“Station Control ready for undocking”. The voice came and said

“ Roger that EagleIV ready for undocking and good luck Station Control out”. John smiled and signed off and said

“Goodbye Earth for now”.

He looked through the Viewport at the stars and smiled as he saw the Scaffold ‘Mother hen’ being built. Then he saw a glint of metal and looked that way and saw a trio of ships, which were the prototypes for the fighters that will protect the Colony ship and its fleet from attack from Unknown forces. He stopped looking at the sky and flipped a switch and pushed a few buttons. He sat their and thought of the training in the past few months and all the new technology advances that appeared in the last two years since the Discovery of the first spaceship, like new cars, new weapons like lasers and Massdrivers, new jobs, and new houses. He sat there and look at earth and the moon as they came in to view. He sat there for a few minutes they something beeped on his console. He looked down.

Finally they were out of the Earth’s Gravity Well. He keyed his intercom and spoke in to it “Engineering, charge the slipdrive we are out of the Grav well so get it ready” John said.

“Roger Major Slipdrive will be on-line in t-minus 2 minutes” came the reply from the Engineering officer. The Engineering crew included 4 Engineers, 2 techs, and the head Engineer.

He switched to the Cryo channel “Cryo we will slip in 2 minutes get the Cryo pods ready the Cryo sleep team will suit up when we are totally in slipspace” he said to them. The Sleep team included himself, Wolf, Kate, the Kushen, Two Scientist and four volunteers.

“Roger, cryo pods ready” came the Cryo team’s reply

Then the Engineering came back and said “Sir we are ready, slipdrive at full power. Waiting for orders” the Engineers said

He flipped the intercom to command “Colonel we are ready for the sleep time” John said into the com

“Ok major Captain Williams is heading up good luck to you and the sleep crew”

“Godspeed Colonel” John replied

Four Minutes later…

“Major come on easy; step in the pod. There we go,” said the tech that was leading me towards my pod. They drugged us so we won’t get sick while we sleep.

“Alright lay down people and see you guys in a few mouths” said the head tech

We did that. Then the tech pushed a button and the cover slid over us. Finally came a hissing sound as the pod started to freeze then he started to fall asleep. He slipped into a cryo-coma and saw black.
The Head tech looked over the pods and sighed it will be a long 6 mouths. Then all of sudden came two gunshots. Two techs head’s whipped back and they fell to the floor. The head tech looked towards the door and saw two men run into the chamber. One ran towards the control panel. The other one covered the techs. The one at the panel typed in a few commands and smiled. The Computers Voice said “Command Roger, Time till Wakeup cycle 100 years…

Oh no whats going to happen to the Cryo team

Stay on to find out



:up: if you like it

P.s I zipped through this so don't flame my ass

[Deathzealot]

Hello guys, um guys the next chapter is up read it. Jeez were is everybody. come on read it already.


:mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :

[blackjack]

You need serious work on major mechanics: spelling, punctuation and grammar. These tend to make or break the story and nobody is going to take you seriously unless you have them down pat, despite how good the underlying concepts of the story are.

[oneredpanther]

wtf hi, I don't like it one bit.
blackjack nailed it pretty well.
Your writing style is not dissimilar to that of my sister; and she's 13.

Is English your second language?
Your spelling is shocking and grammar is nonexistant in places.

[Deathzealot]

:argh:

That was un called for. I told you guys that I zipped through it.:[ I will go over it and post the changes oh about that. I am 15 not 13 so shut up. Yes i Have bad grammer but like i said up above that i zipped through it.am pissed that you guys said that. those words is an insultto me.

:flame: :mad:

DZ

:mad:

[ionfish]

Look, if you post fiction here you take the risk that people won't like it and will say so. Yes, panther may have been unnecessarily confrontational, but that's not the point; if you just want unmitigated praise, then this isn't the place. Members are free to post feedback, positive or negative. Criticism should be helpful, and I think if you read and take to heart blackjack's post I think you could quite easily improve. Learning "the basics" is a vital part of becoming a great writer.

- ion -

[Deathzealot]

:)

Sorry I got mad it just i was tired and I work my but off writing The New Exodus and i don't like my story being Flamed like that. The other reason is that I told you guys that i Zipped through it that mean that I know that its a bit rusty. I just wanted to be done with that chapter because alot of people were yelling at me to get it done. So i just hurryed to get it done. And thats the reason that it has some bad grammer and spelling. One more reason Ion i do now the Basics.The next post has the revised Chapter 4

:hwpilot: :hwpilot: I like this guy

[Deathzealot]

Chapter4: Disaster

Sol System, Earth Orbit, Terran Year 2007, The UN Space Station

“Roger Control all system’s are go” Said John into his mike on his Helmet.

“Colonel we are ready to go” Wolf said in to the intercom on the Panel in front of him.

“Alright Captain go all personal are aboard” the intercom said back. John looked behind him at Kate who was sitting in the chair behind him and Wolf. She is the Sensor/COM officer also she is the back up pilot on this mission.

“You all right Kate” John said remembering her recovery from the wounds that the Intruder gave her.

She smiled back and replied “Yes John I am alright just pay attention to your piloting there”.

John grinned and said “Sure I will”

Kate and Wolf looked at each other. Kate rolled her eyes and said, “Wolf are all U-pilots like him”

Wolf smiled with mischief and replied “Some are, he just has water on his brain”

Kate laughed and said, “All U-pilots are Waterheads”

John and Wolf looked at each other and said, “She is crazy you now,” John said

“yub, she is” replied Wolf

“O.K that’s it let’s get back on track” said John

Kate and Wolf looked at him and said as one person “Yes sir”

“Alright then lets go” John said. Then he reached over to Wolf’s panel and flipped the intercom on and said

“This is Command all hands brace for thruster burn and undocking”. He then flipped the COM switch and then said

“Station Control ready for undocking”. The voice came through the COM unit’s speaker said

“Roger that EagleIV ready for undocking and good luck Eagle, Station Control out”. John smiled and signed off and said

“Goodbye Earth for now”.

He looked through the Viewport at the stars and smiled as he saw the Scaffold ‘Mother hen’ being built. Then he saw a glint of metal and looked that way and saw a trio of ships, which were the prototypes for the fighters that will protect the Colony ship and its fleet from attack from Unknown forces. He stopped looking at the sky and flipped a switch and pushed a few buttons. He sat their and thought of the training in the past few months and all the new technology advances that appeared in the last two years since the Discovery of the first spaceship, like new cars, new weapons like lasers and Massdrivers, new jobs, and new houses. Also he thought of his promotion to Major right before the Eagle IV launched. He smiled as he remembered his Stepfather joking with his grandfather about all of his promotions. He sat there and looked at earth and the moon as they came in to view. He sat there for a few minutes they something beeped on his console. He looked down.

Finally they were out of the Earth’s Gravity Well. He keyed his intercom and spoke in to it “Engineering, charge the slipdrive we are out of the Grav well so get it ready” John said.

“Roger Major Slipdrive will be on-line in t-minus 2 minutes” came the reply from the Engineering officer. The Engineering crew included 4 Engineers, 2 techs, and the head Engineer.

He switched to the Cryo channel “Cryo we will slip in 2 minutes get the Cryo pods ready the Cryo sleep team will suit up when we are totally in slipspace” he said to them. The Sleep team included himself, Wolf, Kate, the Kushen, Two Scientist and four volunteers.

“Roger, cryo pods ready” the Cryo team’s reply came back

Then the Engineering came back and said “Sir we are ready, slipdrive at full power. Waiting for orders” the Head Engineer, said

He flipped the intercom to command “Colonel we are ready for the sleep time” John said into the COM

“Ok major Captain Johnson is heading up good luck to you and the sleep crew”

“Godspeed Colonel” John replied to the COM

Four Minutes later…

“Major come on easy; step in the pod. There we go,” said the tech that was leading me towards my pod. They drugged us so we won’t get sick while we sleep. So we where pretty much half-asleep.

“Alright lay down people and see you guys in a few mouths” said the head tech

We all did that. Then the tech pushed a button and the covers slid over all of our pods. Finally came a hissing sound as the pod started to freeze then John started to fall asleep. He slipped into a cryo-coma and then he saw black.

* * *

The Head tech looked over the pods and sighed it will be a long 6 mouths. Then all of sudden two gunshots rang out. Two techs heads whipped back and they fell to the floor. The head tech looked towards the door and saw two men run into the chamber. One ran towards the control panel. The other one covered the techs. The one at the panel typed in a few commands and smiled. The Computers Voice said, “Command Acknowledged, Time till Wakeup cycle 100 years…

Oh no what’s going to happen to the Cryo team?

Stays here to find out

that better

[Deathzealot]

Here it is Chapter 5


Chapter 5:The Awaken

“What the heck did you do?” said the man covering us said

“Following orders that’s what” replied the man at the console

All of a sudden came a yell form one of the techs that charged the men who was close to them. Then came a bark of an M-45 Plasma Rifle. The man at the Console collapsed. The head Tech looked at the entryway and saw Colonel Weaver the Commander of the Eagle IV run up with a M-45 Rifle Cradled in his arms.

He asked the head Tech “What the hell happen Commander?”

“Sir they came in and shot two of my techs then reset the Wakeup cycle to 100 years. They started to argue that’s when another tech charged the one who was covering us then you came in and killed the one at the Command Console that’s it sir” he reported to the colonel

The Colonel looked at him and said “Well Commander fix this mess and change the wake up cycle to 6 mouths”

The commander looked at the command console and said “Sorry sir I can’t”

Weaver looked at him disbelief on his face “Why not Commander?”

The tech pointed at the command console that was behind the Colonel “That’s why sir” he replied

Weaver looked behind him and saw that the console was in flames there was an another tech trying to put it out but it was to late. The controls were already destroyed

The Colonel looked at it and said, “Can you fix it commander”

The commander sighed and said “No sir I”-

All of a sudden gunfire came for third and last time of that day. The gunfire cut down about have of the surviving techs. The others were killed as they ran for cover. But the Commander survived because of the colonel’s body block all the bullets hitting him. The body dropped on him and pushed him to the ground. The Tech let out a yell and took the colonel’s rifle and fired it three times. Killing three of the Gunman the last one turned and fired at the tech but it only hit him in the waist. The tech screamed and fired again killed the gunmen before he could another shot off. The tech looked around at the carnage around him he started to walk towards the entryway and them went to the command deck and saw that the pilot and rest of the command crew were dead. He then went to the Medbay and saw that one of the nurses survived. She was huddled in a corner, when she saw him she started bring a handgun to bear on him but stopped as she recognized him. He looked at her and said “Help” he then fainted because of blood loss. Meanwhile all through this the people in the cryo pods slept on for another 100 years.

* * *

100 years later...

John slowly came back to reality. He moaned as pain shot through him. He then realized that his pod was open. He slowly sat up. No more pain came so he stood up and looked around him and saw that the Emergency lights were on.

“What the heck happened?” said a voice behind him

John looked behind him and saw Wolf and the others getting up out of their pods. But their was two missing and saw that two of the volunteers were sitting dead in their pods. All of a sudden there was a flash of light and a hologram popped up. John recognized him as Commander Jim Rice the head tech. The Hologram looked around then spoke

“Major Ryan I have the most terrible news for you. During the first few Minutes of your Cryo sleep the ‘Eagle’ was almost taken over by armed boarders. They did something to the Cryo pods. Major I am sorry to report that they changed the wake up cycle from 6 mounts to 100 years”

Everybody in the room gasped and looked at each other. They were in cryo sleep for 100 years. John closed his eyes and said “That can not be”

What going to happen to the Cryo team?

Stays on to find out

[Deathzealot]

oops its Six Months not mounts

[blackjack]

errr. d00d. got punctuation?

I'm sorry but it needs such an overhaul it's not even funny.



original
“Following orders that’s what” replied the man at the console

wtf. Where's the periods and commas and all that good stuff?


edited
"Following orders, that's what!" replied the man at the console.

you need those or the story is completely unreadable. I also think the little questions at the end of each chapter could be done away with. There's also god knows how many run on sentences and the like. Did you even finish sophmore English?

If you like I can pick my way through the story and add all the stuff in, but sooner or later you'll have to do it yourself.

[Deathzealot]

Ok i get the next chapter up so hold on this chapter is going to be the best one yet. it has a battle scene Finally!! :rolleyes: I have a friend who helping me with that Scene. Oh I am a Freshman by the way that is in Resource English. So there :p. So stop teasing me.

[Deathzealot]

Hey Guys I know I have'nt been here for while. That is because I am writeing 4 fics that i want to comeplte. Also I have been busy at FanFiction.Net.

and it looks like i have not post the sixth chapter weel it will be in the nerxt post. Oh i know most of this story is bit rusty but i am getting better and you have not seen the draft i have now.

So without further adue i give you Chapter 6: The Hope.

:angel: :angel:

[Deathzealot]

Chapter6: The Hope

Outskirts of the Sol System, Hiigaran year 31AHL, Terran Year 2114


“I can not believe it, my family, my friends all gone” said Ryan Smith one of the volunteers who came for the ride on the ‘EagleIV’. He was sitting down on the Cold floor next to a large toolbox. A another Volunteer who happen to be a mechanic had his head inside a console took it out to glare at Ryan and said “Man get your self together and hand me some pliers and get to work, it well get your head off your family.” John who was fixing a blown panel across from them looked up at them and said “Dammit you two get back to work will you, and Ryan hand me that PalmPad will you”. Ryan handed him the pad and went back to his work. ‘Yes I got it! Their that shall do it.” John announced to the other two in the chamber as he put the panels cover back on. About that time Kate walked in and said “John Wolf said that he got the Slipdrive to work and now is going to Slip gate out of here”. John Stood up and said to the two still working “Guys get those sensors on-line.” They looked at him and replied “Yes Sir!” He looked at them and sighed. He walked out followed by Kate. “Jeez man what side of the bed did he get up on,” said the mechanic whose name happens to be Alex Johnson. “I don’t know Alex, but we should get to work on these sensors or we will be blind when we come out of Slipspace. That will be very bad.”

John walked on the command deck and said “Report!” Wolf looked up from his station and replied “Major, we are 6 seconds tell we reach Slip space, countdown 5…4…3…2…1…0, we have reach slipspace!”
A small slip gate appeared in front of the ‘Eagle’ and sucked the ship through it opening. Their was a flash of white light then became a tunnel of light. John sat in the command chair. “Give me a count down tell we exit the gate and where is it taking us”. Kate who was at the sensor station spoke up “Sir 10 seconds tell we exit the gate and we will be exiting by the Great Belt. Count down 5 seconds 4…3...2…1…0. We have revive to normal….” The tunnel collapsed and they were thrown clear of the exit gate. But they jumped right in the middle of a huge space battle. They were also running right into one of the ships. John reacted right away and yelled “SHIT!! Wolf pulled up and get some one on the Defense Gun. What the heck is that.” He asked pointing toward the ship in front of them. Kate Gasped and said “It’s the ‘Hope’! John looked at it and replied “Yeah your right, Now lets contact them” All the people on the Command deck looked at the Ship one whispered “Its Beautiful but deadly, look at those broadsides they can tear right through armor in seconds”. They stared at it then a Explosion happen right on the Bridge of the ship.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Authors Notes

1.Ok the Great Belt is a large Asteroid Field right on the edge of the System but most of the it was Harvested to build the hope. Just to let you know they explain it later in the story

2. The Broadside has 12 Ion canons 6 Heavy turrets, 4 missile batteries, and 14 Anti-Strike craft Gun. That’s one side of it the bottom of the ship has the same amount of weapons. There is two broadsides, that is a lot of firepower on one ship but since Homeworld’s Command ship had sucky guns. But Cata’s Command ship had better guns along with the siege canon so I made my Command ship more powerful then them. Get the Picture/
3. Ok the next chapter shall be up in a few days.

‘Next Chapter: The Big Battle’ (A battle finally)

yes i know it is a little to short but the next won't

[Tygre]

I'm not a writer like these people, but I can tell you that "Author's Notes" are a big no-no. If at all possible, explain it as soon as it needs to be explained, not before or after. That way you won't ruin the story, or confuse readers that much. This'll probably give people a reason to return.

Your grammar needs a serious overhaul, but the work has a very interesting concept. Keep it up.

[Deathzealot]

The reason why I put ANs in their is because people at FanFction.net liked them but if people here don't like them well fine I will take them off. Otherwise thanks you for the comment.

-DZ
:angel:

[54x]

The story should explain itself. No need for authors notes.

The story itself is good, although maybe it needs a little more description and less plot. Your grammar and all of the phonetical spelling you use makes it very confusing to read though. I'm going to isolate a few of your mistakes here and give you suggestions so that you can improve, ok? :)


Captials - You've got capitals everywhere. You should only ever have capitals at the beginning of a sentence, or for a proper noun. (England, Sol System, Earth, English, Kushan, Taiidan, etc... are all proper nouns. Things like clock, country, spaceship, carrier, etc... are common nouns and don't need capitals)


Punctuation - Here's a common mistake:

‘EagleIV’.
Full stops, question makrs, and commas all go INSIDE quotation or speech marks. It looks cleaner. The only time they should be outside is if you are quoting someone else and do not wish to imply your punctuation is part of their quote.


“Give me a count down tell we exit the gate and where is it taking us”.
Many things wrong here. I'll tell you how I would write this:
"Give me a count down. Tell me when we exit the gate- and where it's taking us!"
Notice that the way I've written it here it looks like three sentences? And when you wrote it it only looked like one? That's because you had three seperate ideas and forgot to put fullstops between them. Try and avoid that :)

Also, two more hints: Use lots of paragraphs. You should leave a blank line between your paragraphs.

When someone starts speaking, start a fresh line. This way it is very clear where the beginning of their dialogue is.


Confusion - You seem to have trouble remembering the different spelling between two words. This is extremely distracting to a reader. "Where" is a place, "we're" is something we are doing, and "were" is something that somebody was doing.

Some other common things that you're confusing/misspelling: "Kushan," not Kushen. "Taiidan," not Taidan, "Their" means it belongs to them, "They're" means something that they are. "Spaceship's" means it is something that belongs to a spaceship. "Spaceships" are more than one spaceship. "Spaceships' " is something that belongs to more than one spaceship.

As with the next problem I'm about to write about, you can only really avoid confusing words by paying lots of attention when you're writing, and practicing correcting confused words as you go along.


Missed out words - Your writing so far has quite a distracted quality. Crucial words in sentences are often missing, and the reader has to guess what they are. This isn't a very good thing as you can guess, and as long as you're still doing this accidentally, you will need to proof-read your work.

Good luck with not repeating any of these mistakes :)

[Deathzealot]

Thanks for the comments 54x. I think i fixed some of those. I will take a look at it. intil then read this. TA DA the 7th chapter is here.

Chapter7: The Big Battle

Outskirts of the Sol system Hiigaran year 31AHL, Terran Year 2114 A.D

The explosion ripped through the bridge of the Hope and damaged a lot of the ship. John looked out and said, “Damn there goes the Flag Deck.”

Kate looked at her console and spoke up “Sir half of the guns on the Hope are not working and there is not that many Fighters out there”.

John looked out the viewport and cursed “Fuck! Fuck! Get me a COM channel to the Hope now and why isn’t somebody on that gun.” The Kushen Merea ran up to the ladder and said

“I got it Major.”

“DZ, I have the Hope on TAC-2.” Said Kate at her console ignoring his rank

“Let me talk to them.”

“Channel opened Major.”

“This is the Terran Colony Ship Hope. Who are you?” Said the face on the screen. He was wearing a newer version of the uniform they were wearing. It also had 2 circles of a captain on his collar.

“I am Major John Ryan of the Terran Explore Ship EagleIV. Who am I talking to?”

“What! That is Impossible, Major Ryan and the EagleIV were destroyed 100 years ago by terrorists!!” The Captain said with disbelief in his eyes.

John shook his head. He looked at the people on the bridge. Some of them smirked at him. He laughed as Wolf gave the man on the screen the middle finger.

“Captain, we were boarded by armed terrorist but that was after we were in Cryo sleep. So we have been in Cryo Sleep for 100 years.”

“Ok, Major the Computers say that it is 92% chance that you are really who you say you are. Sir…”

Suddenly there was another explosion on the bridge. The screen went to static but the audio was still on. The crew of the Eagle suddenly heard screams then yelling as someone took command of the chaos that’s was the bridge. The screen came back on. The crew suddenly yelled out as the face came on. The face is transparent. It was a hologram of a woman.

“Major, I am Captain Amber Jackson the Fleet Advisor and Avatar. I hold together the fleet.”

The crew settled down when she said that. John looked at her trying to recognize her, but Wolf beat him to it. Wolf’s mouth fell open in surprise. For she was Wolf’s fiancée. Wolf stepped into the camera.

“Oh Amber how are you alive? You should be dead for 20 years now.”

“Alex, glad to see you alive. To answer your question I signed up for the Space Academy. There I found out that I am a great Tactician. I became the best there was. The Admiralty started to say that the Hope needed some type of A.I to command the Hope’s systems. But all of the current A.I units couldn’t handle the systems in the projections. So they looked at atteratents. A Scientist stepped up with a way to implant a human being into the core of the Hope. But he said to use on somebody else. So Command chose me to be implanted into the core. So I was put into Cryo sleep to wait for the completion of the Hope. Need I go on?”

“Wow! So you are now inside the Hope.” Wolf replied

“Wolf, you can talk to her later. Right we need to pay attention to the battle.” John ordered him.

“Sir, yes sir!”

“Major, I can’t command this fleet by my self. I need a commander. Sir, I took a look at your file it says that before the mission you took the Beginning Command Course at the Academy before you left. Is this true Sir?” Amber spoke up.

“Yes I was going to be a patrol fleet commander when the mission was completed. Why do you ask?”

“Well sir. Will you take command of the Hope and its Battlegroup?”

John blinked and looked at the screen an turned towards the crew with his mouth open. All of the crew was looking at him, with their mouths open. All but Wolf and Kate who had their hands up and giving him thumbs up. He smiled and turned back to the camera.

“Captain, it will be an honor to command the Hope and its battlegroup. Open the bay doors, the Eagle is coming in.”

Amber smiled and nodded. The transmission ended with static. The crew jumped up from their seats cheering him. He smiled for a few moments. He turned towards the crew with a frown on his face. They stopped cheering.

“Ok guys it is no time to celebrate. Wolf get back to the pilot station and bring us in. Ms. Sjeja can I count on you being my intelligence officer for my new command?”

“Yes I will.”

* * *
Hopes command deck, few minutes later

“Ok report Captain. What is our status? And what is the fleets status?” John ordered while he ran into the command deck.
“Well 30% of Hopes weapons are online. The fleet is spread across the Battlescreen.”

“Alright, here are my first orders: Kate take the sensors, Wolf take the piloting station and you get to the medbay.”

There was a series of Yes sirs. John walk up towards the commanders chair. He sat down and looked at the tactile screen.”

“Captain call back those Destroyers and tell them to destroy that carrier and tell the frigates to do the same to those frigates. One more thing get me a COM line to al of the fleet including the fighters.”

“Yes, Sir. Channel is opened.”

“Fleet, this is Command. I am the new commander, my name is Major John Ryan. Ok listen up fighters keeps those fighters and bombers off the capital ships. But these times I want you to form up in your Squadrons and commanders chose your Squads targets and go after it. This only temporary people keep on them. Frigates get rid of those enemy frigates. Finally, Destroyers get rid of that Carrier. Ok that all I want to say for right now.”

Slowly but truly the Terran Fleet turned from being spread out and unorganized to a disciplined and organized fleet. John smiled his orders were working magic on the pilots and crewmembers.

* * *
Hope Command deck, 10 minutes later

“Sir they are retreating. I repeat they are retreating.” Kate said to John.

“Fighters keep on them.” John ordered

“Sir, the Carrier is going Critical!” Reported one of the Destroyers Captains.

“All right get out of there. Fighters status report how are you doing.”

“This is the last few sir… there got them. That’s it sir.” Reported the fighter commander.

“Alright all ships get back here and fighters dock with the Hope. Once we are done with the repairs we will be jumping back to Terra to report this. Oh and Intelligence do you know who those aliens where?”

“Yes sir I do those guys were the Turanic Raiders. I think they are loyal to the Taiidan.”

“Good job…”

“Sir!” Yelled the COM officer

“Yes COM what is it?”

“Sir, Terra is under attack!”


Author Notes:

1. Sorry this chapter took so long. I have to study for the finals. So I took my time on it.
2. I have to change the Hopes Weapon load out. It is:
2 Broadsides with: 12 Ion Canons
14 Heavy turrets
8 Missile Turrets
Other Weapons: 10 Medium Turrets(spread all across the hull)
12 Bear anti-fighter Turrets( my own creation talk about later)

There, that’s the weapon load out for the Hope. I thought it was a little bit to powerful for my taste.
3. Next chapter well be up in a few weeks. If I don’t get it up then please forgive if I don’t.

Next Chapter: “The New Genocide”

[Deathzealot]

Ok Guys I am BAck....What the no one post a replie. Darn it what is it guys got bored or something. Well don't worry next two chapters are on there way soon as my lazy prereader get off his lazy ass. Will got to go write the tenth chapter cacth you guys later.

*A conversion with my prereader over the phone a few days back.I have replaced his name with his penname.*

"Hey Beta get on my story and preread it damn it."

"I did it all ready. It on its way."

"Ok i will send you the next two chapters then get on those will you. PLEASE!"

"Ok, ok, oki will just send them my way."

"Thank you very much. Oh one more thing remember what you said about if i go over 1000 words you will have a massive cornary. well looks like i did that."

"Ha ha ha very funny DZ. I will get on those chapter. You want them when?"

"Soon as possible."

"Ok see you later dude."

"Bye"
:)


P.S
ok guys i will not post anything esle intil i get some replies. At least two. So will post or not. One more thing the Next few chapters are my best yet in prereaders own words. Ok guys got to run so see you later. I won't get pissed this time if you give me flames. I don't care any more. :D

[Deathzealot]

Hey I am back sorry that I have been not really reading anybodys fics or contuneing my fic here but don't worry I plan on posting ...The next three chapters. These are the best of the lot I have been reading them and changing them. Please tell me what you think. Here is the next chapter in the exciteing story...

Chapter 8: The New Genocide

Hope’s Command Deck

The entire bridge was quiet as a tomb. You could hear a pin drop. All of the bridge personnel were looking at John with a silent question on their faces.

~ What shall we do? We are in no position to go into another battle with the damages we suffered from those Raiders. Think John! ~ Thought John as he looked around the bridge.

~ Damn! I am NOT going to sit here while Terra under attack. But the Hope is really damaged it’s not going to last long in a really hot Battle. ~ Suddenly a thought came to him.

~ Wait! That’s it! Of course why didn’t I think of that earlier! ~ He looked up with a very pissed off expression.

“So they want to play hardball huh. Well they are not going to win this inning.” He spoke with an angry tone.

The Bridge Crew looked up at him with smiles on their faces. A few of them had grins on their faces.
“Payback time, huh Sir.” One of the crewmembers said.

“Yeah sir, Paybacks are a bitch aren’t they!” replied Wolf

The entire bridge was a big bag of cheering as John stood up and straightens up his uniform. He looked around the bridge with a big grin on his face. Then the grin was replaced with a stern frown.

“Ok settle down people. Here is how we are going to play it. Engineering get repair teams working on those damages and get techs on those guns I want most of them up and running by the time we come out Hyperspace. Fleet, same orders go for the other ships. Helm; get us out of this stinking Asteroid belt. COM, tell all fighters when they dock to report to the main briefing room same orders for the back up pilots. Strike Craft Command; get me a report on what we have for fighters. PDA, Standby by for further orders. SCC, when you are done with that report brings it to the main briefing room. Helm, when we are out of this field go to Hyperspace and set a course for Terra. Lets go people time for a little revenge. One more thing Wolf you have the bridge. ” John ordered.

There was a series of confirmations across the bridge. John turned and walked out of the bridge into a turbolift.

“Deck 2.” He ordered the computer.

* * *
John stepped into the main briefing room. He saw that most of the pilots who were on duty were still wearing their flight suits. The others had found time to throw on their comfortable jumpsuits. But the back-up pilots were wearing their duty uniforms. Ensign James Walt the SCC walked in with a PADD in his hand. He walked right up to John and handed John the PADD.

“As ordered Sir.”

“Thank you Ensign sit down.”

“Yes Sir!”

John looked at the PADD. It was the readout of the Hope’s Fighters. John grimaced at the count it showed that he had a Dozen ‘Saber’ Light Fighters. The Ensign also put down that there was three dozen Sabers at in the beginning of the battle. He flinched at that count to. That was not a good ratio. He looked up and counted the pilots in the room.

~ 36 ~ John thought. ~ That will be enough for 2 more squadrons. ~

He looked back down at the PADD. Also there was a report of what fighters he could build and what he had in storage.

He put down the PADD as the room shook, which meant they went into Hyperspace. John walked to the front of the room. The room was organized in a theater fashion. He sat down at table in the front of the room there was a COM on the table. John hit the switch for the Bridge.

“Bridge here sir.” Wolf responded at once.

“Wolf what is our ETA?” John asked the other.

“32 Minutes, Sir. It would be shorter if the Hyperspace module wasn’t damaged in the battle sir. Techs are working on it now.”

“Ok Wolf. Get the PDA for me.”

“Yes Sir.”

“PDA here sir. What can I do for you sir.”

“Can you build me a squadron of Bears?”

“Yes sir I can. You want them before we exit Hyperspace, right sir?”

“Yes I do. Tell me when you are done.”

“Yes Sir.”

“One more thing tell the Hanger to break out those Bears we have in storage.”

“Yes Sir.” The man said again.

He switched off the Com and stood up. He waited for the pilots to quiet down. It took a awhile but they stopped talking.

“Ok pilots listen up. Currently we have a squadron of Sabers. That’s it but I ordered the PDA to build us some Bears.”

He was cut off as the entire room broke out in cheering. John made no move to stop them.
The reason why was because the Terran ‘Bear’ class Assault Fighter was the best fighter in the Terran Fleet in dogfighter terms. It has the best weapon the Terrans have, the Bear Auto canon. Which can tear through fighter formations. The Bear shoots out projectiles that go way faster then a normal massdriver. The only problem is that it can overheat and blow the entire fighter up. The Projectiles are basically tiny plasma bombs that can tear up armor that it was tissue paper. The Bear Canon is a has two classes: one class is the Fighter class canon for fighters it can be used to fight fighters and capitol targets, the other class is the Capitol class witch has twin canons mounted on a turret that can protect the ship from strike craft. During all this a tech from the Bridge walked in and handed John a PADD. He thanked the tech and dismissed him.

When the pilots cheering died down John resumed his little briefing speech to the pilots in the room.

“Ok back to what I was saying people. The PDA will build a dozen Bears to go with the ones we already have. I also want the back up pilots to form two squadrons of 12. Saber pilots you already have a dozen fighters so I don’t need to organize you guys in a squadron. Ok get into your squads.”

He sat back down and looked at the PADD on the table. It now showed the status on the fighters being build by the PDA. It also shows damage reports, repair reports, weapon readouts and fighter reports.

“Excuse me, Sir.” One of the pilots said to John. He looked up at her. She was standing at attention. He looked at her rank, then her nametag. There were two Delta shapes on her collar. That made her Pilot Second Class. She was probably the most senior pilot there was.

“Yes Pilot Wilson what can I do for you?”

“Sir why are letting us choose to organize our squadrons, why don’t you?”

“Because I don’t have the time to do that. I trust you and your fellow pilots can make that decision.”

“Ok sir I understand. One more thing can we name our squads.”

“Of course you can.”

“Thank you sir.”

“You are dismissed Pilot Wilson.”

“Yes Sir!”

John went back to reading reports. There were dozens of them he had to read through. He could not believe all the reports that there was. He decided that he would try something else. He brought out his Palm Pad and activated his Word Program. He brought up an order template and started to type on it. He started to recommend people for promotions. This one thing he like doing because he could imagine the person’s face when he or she will receive it. He started to make reports on promotions and putting them on E-Disks. He stopped as three pilots approach him. One of them was Pilot Wilson. The others were probably the other squad leaders.
“What can I do for you?”

“Here sir, squad rosters sir.”

“Thank you.”

Suddenly the COM on the table chirped. Meaning that someone wanted to contact him. He hit the switch that contacted him with the other COM unit.

“Yes, this is Ryan.”

“This is Johnson sir, 12 minutes tell we come out of Hyperspace.”

“Roger that Wolf tell ever else.”

“Yes Sir!”

He looked back up at the pilots standing in front of the table. They were still standing at attention.

“Ok you three you heard him. Get to your fighters. By the way Pilot Wilson and Pilot Williams here. Congregations!”

John handed them E-disks. Which has their promotions on it. They were now Ensigns. That rank was also in Strike Craft Command.

“Thank you sir!” They said after they looked at the disks.

“Alright then Dismissed.”

After they left John stood up and headed for the Turbolift. He waited for it to come. When it arrived he walked in.

“Bridge.” He told the Computer.

* * * *

John ran into the bridge breathless. The bridge crew was all at their stations. They didn’t even look at him when he ran in.

“Report!”

This time the bridge crew snapped to attention. Amber’s hologram sprang up in front of him.

“Sir, 85% of repairs are completed, 75% of the weapons are On-line, all stations reporting full readiness and all three squadrons are reporting readiness.”

“Thank you Captain”

He walked towards the Admiral’s chair that was taken from the destroyed Flag deck. It was fully repaired. Wolf was sitting in the captain’s chair he was going to get up but John signal him to stay there. When he got there John handed him an E-Disk. Wolf took it with a confused expression.

“Go ahead Wolf look at it”

He shrugged and put it in the disk slot in the console beside him. He looked at it with a shocked expression. He then smiled.

“Congregations Fleet Captain Alex Johnson.”

“Thank you sir.”

“No problem I needed a Captain for this ship so I picked you.”

“Now Kate here I want you to be the Commander for the fighters.”

“Thank you DZ.”

He smiled at her. He turned and started to hand out E-Disks to the other crew in the bridge. The reason why was because all the people were Ensigns and Crewmen 3rd class.

“Ok how long tell reversion?”

The new sensor officer looked over at the screen and typed a few commands. She looked back and smiled.

“30 seconds sir.”

“Ok Strike Craft Command warn the fighters and give them a count down.”

“Yes sir!”

“Fleet prepares a message to Fleet Command to tell them who I am and give them the report I prepared. One more thing ask them were we can do the most good at.”

“Aye, Sir.”

“Sir 12 seconds tell reversion to real space.”

“Alright, go to red alert and battle stations.”

The red alert klaxon sounded and the bridge blast doors closed with a hiss. The viewports
Blast ports lowered to close position. When the order went through the ports would close immediately.

“8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1…0” the sensor officer counted down

The Blue and white lights out side the viewports resolved to a huge white gate. The Hope went nose first into the gate. There was a glare but the flash screens were in postion to block the glare. When glare resolved to nothing. Everyone on the bridge could see the ‘Hope’ escort, a battle far off, and…Terra.

“Oh my God no.” Whispered one of the officers.

The entire bridge was silent. Everyone of the bridge crew were white faced and mouths were open. The reason why was…Terra was burning!

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Author Notes:

1.There that was finely Chapter 8:The New Genocide. This chapter is probably the longest I ever wrote. It is around two thousand words.
2.People may be are wondering what the heck are a PADD, Palm Pad and E-disks. So let me explain what they are.

a. Palm Pads are tiny personal computers. They are basically my version of Datapads from Starwars.
b. PADD’s are smaller version of the Palm pads. They are used to give officers reports and stuff like that. They don’t have the memory or programs that Palm pads have.
c. E-disks are just like Datacards from starwars.
All this stuff can be made in a PDA in seconds.

3.Yes like in Homeworld Terra well be completely destroyed. But wait and see what happens.
4. People who are reading this at RelicNews should just ignore the author notes.

Next Chapter:

Chapter 9: The Beginning!




ok please review this. I need at least four for me to contuine this.

[Deathzealot]

Ok where did this come from! I guess that i posted the wrong one this is the first one i wrote before it got threw my prereader and me. So I will have to post the real chapter soon....

please R&R

[Deathzealot]

what the fuck its gone it most have been lost in transfer from my dads computer in Cali to my in AZ. God damn it. oh well

[Deathzealot]

Yeah Ionfish can you delete this from the Forum please! I am going to repost this put I want to start over again and start posting the story again but it is going to be bigger and better.