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Imperial Redemption - Chapter Four Released

  1. #1
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    Fiction Imperial Redemption - Chapter Four Released

    Imperial Redemption

    Prologue

    Prologue


    Chapter One

    Chapter One


    Chapter Two

    Chapter Two


    Chapter Three

    Chapter Three


    Chapter Four

    Lord MacBreigh soon reached the entrance to the Chancellor’s office. The new House of Government had been built with ease of getting around in mind. Although the landing pad was almost a kilometre away from his current location within the sprawling edifice, a single trip through the maglev elevator system had deposited him only a short corridor away in only a few minutes.

    As he reached the open doorway, the wizened gnome of a secretary raised his head from a data pad he’d been perusing on his desk. “Go right in Milord,” he said, “His Lordship is ready to see you.”

    MacBreigh suppressed an involuntary shudder at the tooth-jarring pitch of the gnarled little man’s voice. Surprising himself, he even managed a reply, “Thank you Kask,” then crossed to the inner doors, entering and closing them behind himself. With a heavy sigh, he turned to face his host, scarcely noting the various mementos and trophies from the Chancellor’s days as a 'mere' Imperial Warlord which lined the sparse shelves on the office walls.

    Lord Sako had risen behind his desk at his guest’s entrance. Gesturing to a comfortable looking seat, he silently bade his friend to be seated before once more sinking back into his own chair. MacBreigh regarded Ek for a moment across the old wooden desk. “He’s aged these last few years,” thought the Councillor. The Chancellor’s once dark hair had almost entirely changed to iron grey. Deep lines from care and too much responsibility now creased the strong features. It was Sako’s eyes which held the greatest sign of change however. Their piercing sharpness had become overlain with an almost tangible weariness of spirit.

    The Chancellor smiled, divining the direction his childhood friend’s thoughts had taken. “I’m not quite ready for the breakers yet Mac,” he said, chuckling at the guilty look that flashed across his friend’s face.

    MacBreigh smiled sheepishly as he saw Sako’s strength of will reassert itself, banishing much of the careworn image, making him doubt almost that he’d seen his friend’s weariness. “Sorry Sako,” he said, “Was it that obvious?”

    “Well, you could have sent an Empire-wide hypercom,” he teased MacBreigh. “I take it you’ve come to see your long-suffering boss for more than just an inquiry into my retirement plans?” he asked in more serious tones, leaning back in his high-backed chair.

    “I wish it were nothing more than that old friend,” Mac replied in his mellow baritone, “We have a serious problem.”

    Ek inclined his body forward at MacBreigh’s words. With an effort, he stifled an urge to try and shake more words out of the big man in front of him. “Would you please care to provide more details Milord?” he asked with a slightly impatient tone in his voice.

    Seeming not to notice, MacBreigh leaned back thoughtfully, absently stroking his bristling auburn beard.

    “I’ve never been very good with words Sako,” he began, “so I’ll just have to put it bluntly. The clone appears to have been modified to an indeterminate extent.” He regarded the Chancellor pensively for a moment, noting Ek’s slightly puzzled expression before continuing, “I don’t know to what extent yet. So far, all I’ve seen her do was to calm a grieving woman via some sort of empathic link when she touched the other girl. What concerns me is that it is most likely not the only... modification,” he finished unhappily.

    The Chancellor’s expression had become thoughtful during the report. Now he questioned his chief scientist, “Why can’t we just ask Doctor Aerx about the changes?”

    Passing a hand over his eyes, MacBreigh sighed before answering. “We can’t,” he said, “She committed suicide once Taiidara was safely away from the station. She detonated the scuttling charges as soon as the shuttle was out of the blast radius. If I know Hern, there will be nothing left worth examining. I reviewed the pilot’s report on the way over here. The wreckage recorded after the blast seems to support that conclusion.”

    “Hmm, well let’s consider this for a moment Mac,” said lord Sako thoughtfully, “I don’t know that these modifications, whatever they may be, are all that bad for our purposes.”

    Caught off guard by the Chancellor’s remark, MacBreigh blurted, “What? The Council is going to have a collective stroke when they discover the clone has been modified!”

    “Calmly, Mac, calmly,” said Ek, raising his hands in a placating gesture. “I doubt Aerx would have killed herself if she’d intended nasty events to befall the Empire. I fail to see much entertainment value in being a mad scientist if you aren’t around to enjoy the chaos when your creation’s fuse is lit.

    No, more than likely that strong sense of patriotism you’ve described her having was the cause of her actions. I think perhaps she did not want to risk her work being used against the Empire. The only way she could be sure to prevent that was to destroy all of the required information she’d had on hand, including what she’d amassed in her own mind,” he ended solemnly.

    Nodding in agreement, Lord MacBreigh found himself sighing heavily once more. “That is my own assessment old friend. It still leaves the little matter of informing the Council that their nice, shiny, new heir-designate was built with an unknown number of extra options,” he pointed out. “They're still going to burst a gasket when they get wind of the situation,” he said grumpily.

    “Well in that case, there’s nothing simpler Mac,” said the Chancellor, sporting an impish expression MacBreigh remembered only too well from their childhood days.

    That look had always signified the impending start of one of Sako’s legendary misadventures. This didn’t bother MacBreigh so much. It was the unfortunate tendency his friend had of dragging him along for the ride, willing or not that irked his nerves. He swore he could still hear the ringing in his ears from the last bawling out they’d gotten by Sako’s father the evening he’d discovered the boys’ nocturnal forays in his favourite sky car as teenagers.

    It was that thought which made him realise what the Cancellor was implying they do to avoid the inevitable Council battles that would follow if word about Taiidara’s abilities reached their ears.

    “You can’t mean...” spluttered the hulking scientist incredulously.

    “Absolutely Mac, we simply don’t tell them,” said the Chancellor, with a boyish grin on his face.

    MacBreigh looked stubborn for a moment as he pondered what his friend was proposing. Then a longsuffering look appeared on the big man’s face. Sako knew that expression of old meant he’d get MacBreigh’s cooperation.

    “Well, it could work in the short term, but you realise they will find out eventually,” commented the scientist grumpily.

    “Of course they will,” said Ek, “but by the time they do, if we play our markers right, the clone will already have passed their challenge, or declined the honour.”

    MacBreigh’s eyes had widened at the word ‘challenge’. Having noticed his friend’s expression, Sako continued, “Don’t look so surprised Mac. You know as well as I do, the Council will never just accept anyone whose lineage passed through Hern Aerx’ hands without some form of proof of her worthiness. They’re good people, but they need reassurance in this case.”

    “I don’t have to like it Sako,” stated the Councillor gruffly. “Hern was a colleague, and also a friend. Having her honour called into doubt is just... wrong.”

    “I understand Mac,” assured the Chancellor, “Truth to tell, it irritates my own sensibilities. I’ve never known you to make a bad judgement call when it comes to reading personalities. I’m afraid there’s just too many woes in Aerx’ past history for others to be so accepting. It may not be fair, but so is demanding our peers accept unconditionally the candidate under the present circumstances,” he paused, looking at MacBreigh until the big man conceded with a short, jerky nod.

    “Good,” he resumed, “We need to move quickly to prevent any leaks. The last thing we need is any surprises before everything is ready. Right now, you and I, the clone, her orientation team, and perhaps the pilot are in the know. Can I assume you’ve taken steps to keep things below the radar for the time being?”

    “I did,” replied MacBreigh. “The pilot has been sent to Taiidara’s suite with hush orders, and the others have also been appraised to keep silent. They’re all good people. Incidentally, the clone’s name seems to have been chosen. She calls herself Taiidara. Another of Lady Aerx’s touches, no doubt,” he smiled sadly, “she was always a traditionalist at heart.”

    “Well, at least the name sounds fitting enough Mac,” commented Ek. “It sounds like things should be alright for the time being. Just monitor the situation and keep me appraised of any updates,” he said, ushering his friend to the door.

    “Will do Sako,” said MacBreigh, with a clasp of his friend’s hand, “It’s been an unsettling morning,” he said with a lopsided smile, and walked out of the Chancellor’s sanctum, mind already turning toward the completion of Taiidara’s next stage of development. Behind him, the Chancellor quietly returned to his chair and the never finished day to day business of running the Empire.
    Last edited by S110; 8th Mar 09 at 8:14 PM. Reason: Chapter Four Released

  2. #2
    Member S110's Avatar
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    New content, completely rewritten.

  3. #3
    Member S110's Avatar
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    Chapter One released today.

    I'd appreciate a bit of feedback this time around as I'm starting to get into the story more. It's a bit difficult to be your own critic and be able to pick out things that make or break a story.

  4. #4
    Banned {OGS}Sirius's Avatar
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    I thought it was nicly written, alittle formal but written darn well. But i can't give you criticsm on this because you can ask any forum mod ;p my criticsm can't be taken seriously. Although this was pretty great.

  5. #5
    Member S110's Avatar
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    I'll take what I can get heh heh!

    I was starting to think no one was interested. I'm not quite sure what you meant by formal, but it doesn't sound too bad. I'm shooting for a space opera style of story. Any constructive criticism is welcome, and indeed very encouraging. Thank you.

  6. #6
    Juet keep up with spelling, grammar, and perhaps improve the formatting somewhat (a little extra whitespace does not hurt).

    Otherwise, a pretty good job! I'm looking forward to chapter two.

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    your not the only one looking forward to it, good start lets see where it leads.

    Darc out



  8. #8
    Member S110's Avatar
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    Well, Chapter Two is now hot off the press.

    I have a lot of trouble with the formatting - I'm using MS Word to do the writing, and the forum mangles the text when I copy and paste it. Also I've always had troubles with this board and IE7, so I'm afraid this is as good as I can put it up here. For an example, I put the text up as normal, but when posted it all comes out in italics when I add it during an edited post.

    It's not even a consistent issue lol - sometimes it comes out perfectly.

    Thanks for the comments, keep them coming!
    Last edited by S110; 7th Apr 08 at 11:41 AM.

  9. #9
    SwitchBladeMX
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    Being a writer myself (I am currently 175 pages into a military science fiction novel i'm writing) I tend to be a very harsh critic, especially on my own work. Keeping that in mind, your story is good. It's not great, but you shouldn't expect it to be. It takes many long hours of hard work to come up with the rough draft, and then there are countless revisions to make. I edited the same chapter of my book 27 times because I didn't like how it fit with the rest of the book. I don't want you to think I see this in a negative light, because I don't. It does look promising. but here's my critique:

    I thought there were a lot of missing details - I would have liked a bit more description about what the characters were thinking, more background on the characters. How did Hern come to be at station 129 Gamma? With her 'powers', wouldn't Taiidara have sensed Hern's intentions before she boarded the shuttle? "She truly believed in this cause however. For once her rulers had asked for her talents, not demanded or attempted coercion. For someone with her past, that was precious." Why did she truly believe in the cause? Minor details like that help shape the story and guide the reader in the direction you want them to go. Too much detail, and the reader gets bored - kind of like my lengthy response here. Not enough detail, and the reader is left in the dark. The story won't seem as rich. You have to find just the right mix. Also, watch out for redundancies: "the best kept secrets were the ones no one knew about." A secret is something you know that everyone else doesn't, so that statement is kind of moot. If you can't drive yourself to edit that sentence out, find another way to say it that fits better with the story. Also, grammer: "..but once she’d been had to open the forbidden box, she had decided..." Spell check is NOT God, and it tends to miss a lot of things. i.e. "princess to be" = "princess-to-be". That basically covers it.
    I thought the conversations between your characters was exceptionally well thought out. I didn't see many missing details, but I still would have liked a bit more dialogue. All things considered, I did like it, and yes. I am picky. But you wanted a review and I thought i'd give you a no-holds-barred. Keep in mind however, you can't please everyone. Don't try. And please don't think I wrote this just to bash your story.

    Great work overall, and keep it up. I look forward to the next chapter.

  10. #10
    Member S110's Avatar
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    Well, I've had to put the story on the back burner due to things like work and whatnot. Still, it's nice to know that a reader would enjoy the story enough to comment on it even though it's been since last April for the last update.

    I've been told that good or bad, a review is always worth considering in a constructive light, and this one is not bad as these things go.

    I'll address your points for you though:

    *I can't say much about Hern or her reasons for belief in the project at this time. It will become clear in future.
    *Taiidara had just been awakened for the first time, and events happenned rather fast for someone just becoming aware to grasp any signifigance in outside thoughts, let alone finish sorting out what essentially for her brain would be a freshly installed OS.
    *Grammar and spelling... Ah yes, the thorn in every writer's side. I will have to fix that the next time I'm ready to update. Anything else you spot like that would only be considered helpful.
    *About the secrets thing... I'll have to consider it, as it still seems to work for me.

    Thanks!

  11. #11
    SwitchBladeMX
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    I'm glad you see things that way. I forgot to mention earlier that the 'secrets' thing may not necessarily be a bad thing. Each writer has his/her own unique writing style, which seperates them from the millions of other writers. Little nuances like a few missing punctuations or the 'secrets' thing could be your trademark. Just like unintentional run on sentences are my trademark. The most important thing you learn here is this. While you should accept criticism as it is given, you should never let anyone else tell you what to do with your story. It is yours and yours alone.

    I could e-mail you a sample from my book if you'd like, for you to criticize for me. A different perspective sometimes helps, plus i've been looking for some feedback myself. Just a thought.

  12. #12
    SwitchBladeMX
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    Gah! The suspense is killing me! Release the next chapter already! lol! Seriously...plz..(whimper)

  13. #13
    Member S110's Avatar
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    New chapter released today.

    Yes, there is another in the pipeline, but it's getting worked over. Might be able to get at it later in the week. Stay tuned!

  14. #14
    All u hoz. Rusty's Avatar
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    Very nice, you got yourself a fan.
    Fuckin' gansta.

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