How Many 5 Year Olds....

[Alex Drake]

Ran across a very interesting discussion thats been sweeping several of the boards I frequent (was initially referred by a friend);

The question: How many 5 year-olds could you take on at once?

The specifics:

- You are in an enclosed area, roughly the size of a basketball court. There are no foreign objects.
- You are not allowed to touch a wall.
- When you are knocked unconscious, you lose. When they are all knocked unconscious, they lose. Once a kid is knocked unconscious, that kid is "out."
- I (or someone else intent on seeing to it you fail) get to choose the kids from a pool that is twice the size of your magic number. The pool will be 50/50 in terms of gender and will have no discernable abnormalities in terms of demographics, other than they are all healthy Americans.
- The kids receive one day of training from hand-to-hand combat experts who will train them specifically to team up to take down one adult. You will receive one hour of "counter-tactics" training.
- There is no protective padding for any combatant other than the standard-issue cup.
* The kids are motivated enough to not get scared, regardless of the bloodshed. Even the very last one will give it his/her best to take you down.

So, how many could you down?

I say 25 before I get too tired to effectively drop them in one shot (3+ years of TKD and scrappin' on my block) and possibly 35-40 before they swarm me and start getting nut shots.

[Starfisher]

What. The. Fuck.

Of all the hypotheticals...

Ok, so if they all swarmed you like little zombies it wouldn't take all that many at all. A ring of six, all leaping at once, would be impossible for you to dodge. You might be able to punt two of them if you're really fast, then smack the other two in the head, but then two will simply gnaw at your hamstrings/inside of thighs until they cut a vital vein or render you incapable of standing. Then they can finish you off at their leisure.

Five year old humans, if they act like trained attack dogs, are very vicious and tough creatures. I'm guessing you've never had to babysit a five year old male cousin and deal with his rough and tumble antics - six of him with the intent and knowledge necessary to kill would be more than sufficient for anyone.

If they follow silly rules like "no biting", then yeah, you can just keep prying them off and tossing them away until you run out of energy. This would take less than a minute - if you've got that much experience in TKD, you know how exhausting a sparring match is. So really, this question is: "How many non-biting 5 year olds can you tear off yourself in under a minute?"

It's a mark of how little I want to code that I answered this question :/

[TBS]

is this possibly inspired by this news item?

anyway, this is rather a weird question...5 year olds have pretty thin skulls, Im more likely to kill or braindamage them than simply knock them out. If for some reason I was willing to do this and not holding back then I could probably take out quite a lot - the reason peoples "5 year old cousin" (or brother/sister/son/daughter/etc) can be such a problem is because as responsible adults we cant use extreme force on them.

I think the more interesting question is "how long could anyone stand to teach a class of 5 year olds hand to hand combat?". I think that even the most skilled of martial arts experts would be reduced to a quivering wreck within a day.

[General Blaze]

Oh dear...:sprint:

if it were me, i could only take down 20. If I can get my hands on a pole ala' Neo from Matrix reloaded, it'd be a different story.

We ARE allowed to use weapons, right? Please say yes!

[I_am_the_Wombat]

400..errr......29.....don't make fun me!

[[Vertigo]]

I would say about 15 before they would have the ability to sufficate me with their tiny bodies... the horror...

[[bulletproof]]

It depends on how hungry my dog is feeling.

edit for tasteless joke:

[Merturk_NB]

I think I'd last a while. I have two 5 year old siblings, and they are weak

40 + probaly

[Alex Drake]

No weapons allowed!

[Starfisher]

[Giovanni]

lol starfish :bandit:

[General Blaze]

Gold, Starfish. Comedy gold.

[Tronno]

Hehe... this is an awesome problem. A buddy of mine showed me this a while ago, so I already have a strategy worked out: run like hell.

See, although rabid 5-year-olds are fully capable of killing, you can't deny that they're physically weak. If you run, they won't be able to catch up. If they do catch up, I hypothesize that strikes like punches and kicks would not be enough to down a healthy adult, even coming from several attackers. Therefore, as Squid already pointed out, they must team-grapple to drop you. Once they succeed, you can pretty much abandon all hope.

Thus I think the trick would be to run around the field, landing running blows to the kids who get in the way, and dodging the main group chasing you from behind. Hopefully, your attacks will eliminate some of the "blockers" instantly. As for the chasers, they'll get tired eventually - as they spread out, start picking them off one by one. Keep moving, and avoid a frontal confrontation at all costs.

Personally, I think I can eliminate about 15 kids before I get so exhausted that the "grappler" group catches up and immobilizes me. If the kids fail to stay together and act as a team, that number can go up somewhat.

PS - Starfisher wins

[PhoenixLord]

kick um in the skull and they should die (I play soccer/real football).

If you get really desprate, just grab their Trachea and yank it out.

I'd say I could take 20-30

lol starfisher

[Zepherian]

This is the most moronic thread I have EVAR read. EVAR.

[The5thElephant]

As Confucius probably said: 'One must know your enemy to defeat your enemy'.

You guys clearly do not know your enemy in this case.

These are 5 year olds. Yes they may have teeth of might. Yes they may have scratching claws. Yes they may wail a banshee's cry. Yes they may climb upon eachother's fallen bodies to achieve greater tactical advantage. Yes they may know kung fu. Yes they may spontaneously wet themselves upon thee. Yes they may be just CG images in a good ol' family G rated movie. Yes they....err well I think I digress.

But my point is. These are just little 5 year olds. There are other tactics to defeat them besides direct physical force.

For example. Before said battle eat LOTS of beans. Because as any good 5 year old knows:

Beans! Beans! The musical fruit!
The more you eat! The more you TOOT!
Beans! Beans! They're good for your heart!
The more you eat! The more you FART!

So the best tactic here is as they approach "let 'er rip!" as they say down south where all good beans come from. No 5 year old can withstand such adult gastronomical smelling power.

With enough practice you could wipe out all 5 year olds in a 10 yard radius every thirty seconds.

[General Blaze]

'One must know your enemy to defeat your enemy'

I thought that was Sun Tzu, Heffy?

[The5thElephant]

I thought that was Sun Tzu, Heffy?

Bah! They all come from the same general direction anyway.

Note my strategically placed 'probably' though. I am safe from you fact-finding-fools!

[A176]

Inspired by this page ->

http://thedecadentwest.blogspot.com/...ing-it-on.html

[Bonnet]

Fisher, you underestimate the speed at which a man can move. A experinced fighter can easily throw eight or nine full power punchs A SECONDS. Legs have such huge force that a properly performed roundhouse could wipe out teh entire cirlce, in one blow. I am theorizing upwards of 40 before I hit my limit.

[ShivaArchon]

The key seems to be to not get surrounded. I like Tronno's plan; as long as you can evade the main mass of them and hit stragglers you can do some serious damage to their combined might. Problem is you can only run around and fight for so long before you get tired, and they'll swarm you. If you're in good enough shape though, a basketball court is pretty big so you've got plenty of room to maneuver.

If six of them surround you like Starfisher's little gif, you'd be better off breaking out of the circle by running one of them down, stepping on his little head as you go. I think with enough evasion I could take on 10 or 15.

Edited down my estimate a bit, just so I don't look like a moron if I ever have to fight 20 five year olds and get owned.

[Starfisher]

That's great Zbob. Try it sometime.

[Gyokuran]

I saw this posted on the something awful forums many weeks ago. Most people overestimate how many they think they could take on.

[charlesesl]

I have been poundering on this question a long time before that blog came up. The key to success in such a situation is to utilize you strength against the enemy. So what are your strength? There are four: Strength, Speed, range and intelligence. Their strength is only in their numbers. So when the fight starts, you begin by knocking out one of the kids and run away from the other kids with the corpse of the kid you just knocked out. Then you back into an obsticle and use the corpse at a weapon to strike down the other kids coming at you. Since kids are dumb, they will come at you in a line. And since you are under cover and have greater fire power, you can strike down those kids one by one.

[TheLoneKnight]

I'll go for 20-30. But I'm kinda out of shape. On the bright side, I can just sit on two or three of them at a time while I tickle the others into submission.

'cause you know how easy it is to tickle children. :o


Actually, when I was younger, there was this sizeable mob of children that loved to harass my friends and I. In the end, generally just to pass the time, we'd get into a little fight. Not seriously, of course, but honestly.. they're just kids. Even back then when I -didn't- have a massive age bonus on them, they were so easy to take down that you never even needed to hit them. Just push them down, or pick them up and toss 'em a few feet.

And this is from a guy who's been overweight and out of shape for longer than I can remember.

So seriously-- Five year olds are easy. Once they hit Grade seven or so, however.. Then the fuckers get vicious.

Primarily because of the knives. Kids are pains in the ass to kill when they have knives.



...not that I'd have any experience with that sort of thing.. <_< >_>

[Vaarok]

String 'em out by outrunning, taking one out at a time. I might be able to manage ten, so long as I'm lucky. But zombies really call for a shotgun, not hand to hand.

[Retroboy]

I am really sorry I opened this thread.

-- Retro

[TheLoneKnight]

Perhaps you should keep your pedophillic-sadist urges in the closet next time?

(Child-beating urges, people. Not the other thing. SHH.)

[CrimsonAngel]

Good qustion i actuly dont know...

Hmm...have to be tested...now to find som kids...

Dizzy...

[Splitstar]

With no weapons at all, i am able to at least take down 40 to 50 of the zombies before my hands get tired from crushing there skulls.

I am then able to create a valley with there bodies and funnel there movements. The same as the Greeks have done when those pesky Persians. Ha what suckers i might add. A humiliating defeat like i never saw. Expert maybe when they couldn’t find Rommel.

Rite, back on topic. With my valley of bodies and now funneled movement i am able to take them, 2 to 4 at a time. Depends if i have enclosed the rear are or they are able to reach me. Since now they are grossly disgusted by there dead comrades bodies... hell what am i kidding there zombies, they know no fear.

After a while of distracting the rear with my now retired bone crushing hands, i am able to kick off enough heads in my frontal assault to completely block off there attacks from that area. Unless they manage to climb the mound of bodies, crafty bastages.

With that i can now use a remaining zombie as a human shield as i am now able to recoup myself and wipe off the blood from my eyes, that had been there ever since i was still in the process of crushing skulls. After a refreshing stint of laying in bodies and fighting off whatever buggers may have come during this period with my legs, i am able to repeat the entire process until i pass out from exhaustion.

Which might take a while.

I am able to achieve a grand total of a large number, very large. Larger then any of you previous numbers, i must say due to my witty response at being attacked i was able to kill... ok enough teasing it out.

In other words, allot.

[DoltIncognito]

wtf i win



p.s laf @ zbob ;\

[[Vertigo]]

Someone needs to take away that man privillage to post attachments.

[Verrin]

I can bearly take on feti, let alone 5-year olds.

[[bulletproof]]

wtfs no one got my priest joke

[Atreides]

I got your priest joke.

subtle golf clap for the effort.

Thread looks like the rambling thoughts of a drug addled mental patient though.

[The Collector]

Long as 'dose kids aren't on amphetamines.

Remember to aim at their heads. Not sure if a fist is strong enough to terminate them. (It might also be painful for your fist-practice by punching through walls first). Kicking might be the best bet?

[Paladin]

I'm thinking a couple hundred. I grab the first one and use him as a club to batter the rest to death.

-Paladin

[Moe]

Things I have learned from this thread:
-a trained fighter can throw eight or nine punches per second. Each punch can therefore last about 111ms, and he can do it all day long.
-any adult is more intelligent than a kid. He shows this by grabbing a fifty pound kid, running around with it in an effort to exhaust his pursuers, and then uses it as a baseball bat because it's so lightweight.
-carrying the corpse of a child makes you undercover
-all five year old kids are zombies
-you guys are all on crack.