The Young’un: Man or Beast
++ curtains open slowly ++
One fine sunny afternoon, during the dog days of summer, Jeff Weaver and I were bored.
Lacking food or entertainment (there was nothing of any quality on the television), we turned to the one thing that could save us from the mind-numbing glow of the computer screen: Video Documentaries!
In order to create our filmed masterpiece, Jeff and I ventured out into the great unknown… er; actually more like the West Side. After cresting the rocky slope behind the Weaver family’s abode, we stumbled upon an Eden (for our purposes, at least): the fabled place where the last children who haven’t been domesticated by Nintendo or Sony romp about, quickly and brutally reenacting battle scenes from Star Wars. Realizing the magnitude of our discovery, Jeff and I backed out of the minute valley slowly and quietly, not wanting to alert the elusive and mercurial young’uns to our presence.
Later, I cursed myself for not filming the goings-on in The Lost Valley of the Childs. To this day, I know of no other person who ever had such an amazing opportunity to film the children in their natural habitat.
++End of Part One
(Sound of people getting out of
their seats in order to restock on various colas and “Xtra-butter, Butter- flavored, Cardio-Killer popcorn …now with 35% more fat…)
After half an hour, Jeff and I decided to travel to a different place where wild children congregate: the woods behind Havelock School.
In the dappled green woods, the relatively silent domain of chipmunks, feral cats and the homeless, something bellowed in pain and rage. Jeff shuddered, and I wondered what it could possibly be.
I didn’t have to wait long, because they (there were three of them) burst out of the foliage. The three children, filthy and slavering, stormed towards us. I noticed that they were armed with long, javelin-like branches and also that they carried smooth, rounded stones for throwing. I took off like a greyhound to the top of a steep path along the side of a small cliff where Jeff had already ran to. Amazingly, I had been filming the whole time! I whirled around and a rock bounced off my camera lens. We dove behind a small, rough outcropping of timeworn limestone just before the second volley hit. As I was checking the camera for damage (thankfully, the lens was only scuffed), Jeff picked up a branch and began to stoically fend off the blows of the charging youngsters. My friend even managed to knock one of the little beasts into a wild rosebush! The child ran off howling.
Even with his success, I knew that Jeff couldn’t hold them off for much longer. As I frantically searched through the undergrowth for a weapon, a child’s head and hands appeared in front of me. He had scaled the cliff! Still holding the camcorder, my hand closed around the very stone that almost destroyed the camera. Smashed the rock down upon the young’un’s knuckles and he yelped as he tumbled backwards.
Jeff shouted at me to hurry, and I knew we had to leave before more children showed up, so with a sigh, I pressed the power button, shutting the camera off.
After that day, I have left the children to their own devices, solely because some things should be left alone. So remember, kids: Stay safe!
++End of Film
(Sound of people leaving the theatre, muttering about the lack of zombies and exploding helicopters)++