Directed Writing Workshop Four - Criticism thread

[Starfisher]

You know the drill. Post your thoughts on the guy below you's story here!

[Lestaki]

Sevorak

The aged, dignified and hunched-over human blinked once in a dull gesture that belied his intelligence and mental dexterity – but the one looking at him was the converse; dull ignorance behind a façade of intellect.

Double use of the word dull here would be something to prune. "dull ignorance" seems a little redundant anyway, you don't get any other type of ignorance in my limited exerience! I don't like "aged, dignified and hunched-over" myself, it seems overdescriptive. It's easy to try and convay everything about a character, something I am frequently guilty of, but it's better to use sparing description. I'd pick just the one, "aged" for preference.

"Human" also seems an odd choice of words- while I'll grant it isn't a given in your stories, we all seem human in this one. So "man" would be the logical choice, though looking back at it that would clash with the opening line. There's also a little confusion there as that opening speech is followed by a description of the person who didn't say it first, which is counterintuitive. It's initially difficult to pin that line to the speaker.

...had transformed into a shaky, nerve-wracked, paranoid shell of a man.

Triple description again. God knows I'm guilty of that as well, but it's a bit longwinded for a reader. Addict is used twice in that paragraph as well, for further pedantry. We know his name, so we can use his name.

The next paragraph is initially rather unclear; in fact, I have trouble following the rest of the story, though that may be a deliberate affect. If I'm following this, the "old dog" starts with "menacing howls" while the addict gots nuts. I think the addict is going to be bitten by the dog on the back of the neck, but I'm not sure whether that happens or not, because a blade comes from somewhere and descends. I'm not sure what's up with that. I have a sneaking suspicion he might have commited suicide or otherwise killed himself in a drug-induced accident, but at first reading I was trying to work out whether the old man had come at him with a knife. In fact, I'm still not fully clear on that line.

One final thing: I will never be able to read the words "nunununu" without thinking of the dimimutive internet speak that I myself tend to use. "Nononono" or simply "no" is as old as the language and is the respected phrase for writing, I think. I imagine the phrase was supposed to demonstrate slurring but it just reads stranegly to me.

In any case, the story was quite good all in all, and you definately suceeded in creating an atmosphere. I liked it.

[Kaito]

Beelzebuddy

lol first thing as I'm from germany I'm feeling discriminated
haha j/k.. Bratwurst.. lol

well constructive:
I liked that it's just a dialogue. Although some sentences just don't seem to be right, not in a conversation. The persons, who seem to be together since more than 60 years, are really cautious and unsure when talking together. When you're together that long you'll know the other person well, you're not like a little boy confessing his love to a girl.
Then, after they get going, telling the story, they get sarcastic and ironic all the way. Doesn't fit in my opinion.
That aside it's not bad.