Sholto

If you want to read this story, PM me. Sorry.

The following thread discusses the story itself, which was made available in ten chapters, one chapter per day.

Sholto

Sword_Monkey

suitably, atmospheric, i liked the inquisitor/interrogator bit, you made him seem very capable.

i am waitng for the next chapter/section.

Robert Frazer

An interesting opening, Sholto. It's too early to make much commentary now, of course, but I was quite intrigued by the animalistic nature of the "Interrogator" - his girth, garb, and demeanour immediately struck me as being not unlike a Genestealer Magus... :bandit:

Robert Frazer

Another entertaining and varied battle-scene, Sholto, and I have to admit that it ended on quite an impressive cliffhanger (ho ho) - with the heroine suddenly killed off and at least two more instalments to complete, how is the story going to progress now? It's an effective way of keeping us all on our toes!

Don't be afraid to do all of your character-pieces either - one thing I like about your writing is how you depict what happens beyond the battlefield, a lot more than most other writers.

Sholto

I did consider a literal cliffhanger, but decided it would be too cheesy. And there is more than two more instalments to come... The solution has been hinted at here and there in conversation, and in the title of the piece (although looking it up will constitute a bit of a spoiler to be honest).

Interesting. I will need to look that up, because I do not know what that is. I was going for a sort of feral psyker who had been (partially) civilised, but that may be an interesting angle to pursue.

Thanks Sword_Monkey - I thought that by making the minion seem very powerful and threatening, the unseen master would seem even more powerful and threatening without me ever having to describe him Hope you like how it's going so far.

Cheers,

Sholto

Robert Frazer

*Tries to resist*

*Fails*

Ah, so that's the proper name for those things...



Well, that's not to say that your interpretation of a half-civilised savage is anything wrong - thinking about it, I quite like the idea! It's a fairly original presentation of a psyker.

It's just his feral, animalistic manner made me think of the Tyranid antagonists, which led me to making an association with Genestealer Cultists. Incidentally, Magi are rare products of an infestation of Genestealer Hybrids - they're essentially powerful psykers who act as conscious lieutenants to the cult's Patriarch, and extend and reinforce the psychic domination over the cultist brood, as well as acting as physical commanders.

Don't worry, there's no fluff requirement for every vaguely uncivilised person to have a brain-parasite squirming inside him. Your original vision for the Interrogator is fine.

GoldenBird

I'd prefer if you stuck to the original plan for the interrogator, usually, making up new arcs for the story as you go along is a bad idea. Just my opinion though.

Sholto

No worries - when I said "interesting angle to pursue" I just meant in the context of a story featuring nids and psykers. My fluff knowledge is - Robert? - weak at best, so psyker nids other than Zoats is something I should know about.

The Interrogator returns to the story later on, and gets to put himself about a bit, firmly on the side of the not-so-bad guys

Anything except temptation itself, eh? My niece got one for Christmas, hence the idea for this story. It really was that simple!

Sholto

Sword_Monkey

right woah just read 2-4 and blody hell i love the ay you describe the scry powers, i find it odd that Vhuna sees the warp in silver (all psykers interpret it in different ways i kno i know) i don't know if you deliberatly put that in because it is going to be of some significance (Vhunas specialness) but i like it alot.

The battles are nice, you aren't trying to describe too much and instead focus on Vhuna.

A slight fluff nitpick is the attitude of the Abbottissa surely she should be apprehensive to a psyker even if she has insight into Vhunas special gift after all sheis part of the SoBs who hunt down psyker heretics for a living, but that is only a very slight nitpick, the Abbotissas own skills explain the immediately friendliness. Maybe the other sisters should show some caution to Vhuna? A glance or stare perhaps?

Then you killed Vhuna....or did you, my mind races with possibilites very well done
Sholto.

Overall i am loving it and the news that there is more than 2 more sections to come is fanstastic - keep it up.

Sholto

There is a throwaway line in Part 2 from Colonel Lekh where he asks if the Sisters are going to come and defend their own Convent. I know it is a bit confusing (and that is my fault) since there are Sisters at the Convent, but the way I had planned it the Order has its martial arm - the Sisters of Battle - and their devotional arm, who are the Sisters actually in the Convent.

I did have more dialogue in an earlier draft about the Sisters of Battle being knocked off course in the Warp by the nids arrival, but it got cut. I guess I should put it back in.

So - the Sisters in this story are not SoB, although they do take up arms in Part 7.

That said, I had failed to appreciate how - focused - the SoB were on hunting down rogue psykers. I guess some of that attitude probably would rub off on their devotional sisters, and I have failed to reflect that so far. Perhaps this lot are enlightened on such topics, or perhaps just the Abbetissa.

Thanks,

Sholto

Sword_Monkey

And suddenly it becomes odd, very odd, still kept me reading but this is definitley strange as far as 40k goes. I may be scared of soemthing different but it's still very good. I wnat more explanation of these six though.

Another well done, if a little odder than the rest.

GoldenBird

what the hell...?

Sholto

GoldenBird - is it that you don't understand what's going on, or that you do understand you just think it is too weird or unusual for 40K?

If it helps, think of it as what would happen if a psyker suffered from multiple personality disorder. In the world of 40K, instead of being all in the head, the disorder would manifest in a material, physical way. The actual pysker is hiding behind a barrier of other personalities he has erected to protect himself from the real world, except in sci-fi we can have him literally - not metaphorically - hiding.

Still too weird? I am keen to know what you think. Plus, Part 6 might put it in context a bit more.

Sword_Monkey - there will be more explanation, but not too much. There is still plenty that remains to be revealed, and some that remains to be corrected

Sholto

Robert Frazer

Very ingenious, Sholto, I think it's a novel and intelligent twist to the story, and certainly puts a unique spin on affairs. It's good to see psykers being used as something other than artillery on wheels or Dispensers Of Sage Wisdom(TM) for once! I approve of it wholeheartedly.



A bit of product-placement, eh?

Sword_Monkey

Just make sure you get nice fluffy correctness for that psyker, i don't like it when things are left unexplained when the entire 40k universe ahs an explanation of some sort.

i other words make sure thee is a 'reasonable' explanation of a shapechanging, death warding, psyker.

Frazer is there a good explanation for a psyker who can create or change matter to change form? other than being made of daemonic maerials (Vhuna isn't demonic), or the lack of singing that would denote being made from wraithbone (which is possible but absurd)

Robert Frazer

Sword_Monkey, don't forget that this is fiction. It's not rigidly regimented into exactingly-chartered little cubicles that everyone can be filed, indexed, referenced and stamped into. We're not obliged to follow the laws of physics, and the "internal logic" of Warhammer 40,000 allows for quite incredible things. That's part of its appeal, for heaven's sake! Everything doesn't have to have all of all their abilities prescribed by some rulebook-toting arbiter! Just enjoy the story - leave the soul-torturing knots over statistics to the Star Trek fanboys.

If Sholto wants a multiple-incarnating regenerating psyker, then I enthusiastically welcome him to it.

Sholto

Frazer's right - most of my stories go outside the 'standard' codex material and try to do something different with the world of 40K - different but not inconsistent. If that is not your thang - fair play to you - I won't take it personally! :3dcool:

If it is, or if you like my writing, then hopefully there will be something to hold your interest.

Sholto

Sir Plasma

very interesting writing... a good flow to the story.

GoldenBird

Sorry, I was expecting something a little more orthodox. I understood the story, you did a good job of explaining it, but I just couldn't help but shake my head at the unexpected plot twist you presented us, especially when out of a girl's body an old man erupted, plus it doesn't explain how he could resurect himself, since it was essencially his own body getting slaughtered over and over again.
I'm sorry, it just seemed sort of ham-fisted this time, I liked your previous stories though(like the one about the Commissar doing himself in).

That said, I'll still check the conclusion.

Sholto

Sounds like I haven't presented the concept well enough, although that might be only one of your concerns. I'll try and address it, though.

As I see it a psyker can will things into being, if he or she is sufficiently powerful, whether they be flames or walls of water or knives or whatever. The can also possess or inhabit living things, perhaps even animate the things they create ("flesh-puppets" to borrow Dan Abnett's term from Necropolis). That is essentially all that Adrial Fell is doing, albeit he does it unconsciously. He creates the bodies and animates them with fractured pieces of his own damaged mind. The only twist is, he is apparently not there while his flesh-puppets live and breath. He is somewhere else, where he can feel safe.

I had anticipated this objection - "how can he resurrect himself?" - with the snippet of dialogue between the Matrona and the Preceptor, where one objects that no psyker can bring themselves back to life, and the other tries to explain that in effect it is someone else that is doing it. The implication being that the others, like Vhuna, are not actually alive at all. A line of dialogue in a later part runs "Only the living can die, Vhuna. You've never really died." Whether that is true or not is something I am interested in exploring

I'm not trying to persuade you to like it - you are welcome to your own views One of the reasons for posting this is so I can get feedback like yours so I know where I am going wrong and how I can improve, so if something feels hamfisted I need to know about it. It may be that I landed the 'big reveal' too early and too much in one go.

Cheers,

Sholto

Sword_Monkey

Hey if you wanna be fancy press the idea of relating Vhuna to a phoenix, they like fire , and can ressurect, dunno about different forms though. But it usually serves well to relate the warp to something mythical or legendary. Oh well who knows, your explanation in the last post is nicer, its just up to yu to get that into dialogue - 'am i really alive?' 'No your a freak Vhuna' or somethin.

Sword_Monkey

Fire - Vhuans party trick
Ice, and floating - Boy
X - Fendahl.

Sorry psykers intrigue me.

Right Very nice, i liked that better than chapter 5 to be honest. Characters are nice, you seem to of developed 3 of the psykers quite extensively although only Vhuna has had much time, i like that. Though my main praise is of the psyker stuff, 'warp-child', 'silver flames' that i like alot, you do it very well and its a nice aspect of 40K we don't often enough.

Nitpicks...None for this chapter, not from me anywyas, someone else might catch something. Good one Sholto.

Fith Knight

Just finished the first part. The setting is good, interesting characters, and nice style.
This story has got potential . Looking forward to read more.

Now I "demand" that YOU take a look at MY work
No, not really... Dont mean to pimp my stories, but I could use the opinion of a good writer. Here`s a good place to start:

http://forums.relicnews.com/showthread.php?t=81348

Hope this was`nt to much of an highjack.

-Fith

Berzerker2k

Interesting story! especially the characters! keep up the good work!

Sword_Monkey

Niiice, I am liking the explanation of the psykers now, their powers are completely possible fluff wise (thats all i wanted to know Frazer), and they are beleivable too, you haven't gone for crazy absurd powers that are possible but just crazy, instead you made good powers, Mallus is odd though, it think i prefer the boy.

Then again just about nay imaginaable power is possible in 40k, meh.

Chapter 9 concludes this?

Robert Frazer

An excellent extract that's loaded with tension - I positively admire it - Koju's characteristic is well-used as a sudden, sharp shock, even an accident (which makes the results even more uncomfortable), and not a melodramatic "I HAVE TEH POWAAAR!" exhibition. I also like how Vhuna seems to shrivel away from the acid sear of a blank's prescence - the "additional control measures" is also very blackly humorous.

In fact, Part Seven is all the better for the asides back in the cell - they make the Matroyshka powers less a convenient plot device and more a concept with integrity, something which is reinforced by the attention-to-detail of references to behavioural codewards and so forth.

Regarding the Mallus-form - a good description of the confrontation, but I would imagine someone as grotesquely obese as Mallus simply wading into enemies and suffocating them beneath a breaking tide of rolling fat and reeking sweat - the image of an Obliterator and Mallus folding and flowing into and around each other, unearthly adipose and infernal warp-steel stirred between each other like some foul and foetid cocktail, mixing, gelling and consuming - would have been a macabre sight to see.

dark_11

nice . ime just a bit confused about mallus right now.

Sholto

And, thanks to you, I have now seen it I was going for something unpleasant with Mallus, but not quite that gross! Could be cool, though. Maybe he eats his prey in different ways; some he uses the scream on, some he just absorbs. Hmm.

Confused how?

I'm trying to give each Alter/ Mask/ Stage a discrete function. Mallus is the close combat juggernaut, the Boy is the ranged weapon, Vhuna is the auspex and so on. It's a bit contrived, but then there is a reason for it (which won't make it into this story!) Chapter 9 should conclude it. I've done most of it so far. Just the final battle and the last Stage to do.

Sholto

EDIT: Chapter Nine won't do it. But Chapter 10 will

Andkat

A most exquisite of tails. Once again, Sholto has created a masterpiece, or at minimum an excellent read (even though it has not quite concluded).

dark_11

ignore my post from before. this is a great story cant wait for last bit.

Sword_Monkey

A p-u-p-p-e-t master woop! The sword-monkey loves Enslavers, and after that human mind controllers are good too!

Looking good for a finale, can't wait.

Sir Plasma

to quote Neo:
"Woah."

Wrapper

cannot. wait. for. the. final. installment

Sword_Monkey

Ah a cliffhanger that makes you want to kill the author's relatives then extract the info of the next story from him. Very good Sholto, ilook forward to the next story soon, hopefully not to far away, if it is along way away i won't hesitate to hunt you down, cos i am that impressed that a forumer could be that good at writing.

Apocalypse_now1

Sholto is the king of stories, may he live long - once again you have made me want to chew through my pen lid until it's sharp enough to fall on at my lack of comparable talent. Seriously another fantastic read mate.

Sir Plasma

:bow2:

says it all.
Praise Sholto, lord of the ... novella?

GoldenBird

i don't get it. Stay tuned for the next episode maybe?

Andkat

I'm not sure I get the "Fell has been lying" portion of the epilogue. Fell had like, what, 1 line of actual spoken dialogue and 2 lines of narrated text. Unless "Fell" isn't the 6th incarnation of Vhuna, in which event, enlighten me as to whom Fell is.

The extent of Fell's narration essentially stated that he was a scared, confused pysker with immense power.

Sholto

Andkat/ Goldenbird - the ending is not everything it could be, and that has proven to be one of the perils of writing this story one-part-a-day, unfortunately. Basically, the battle on the plateau ended without either of the main characters around which was not a good decision on my part, and without much of a climactic battle. Bad pacing is another peril of writing a story on the fly like this.

An interesting experiment, but not one I'll be repeating!

These characters' stories (Vhuna and Koju) are meant to continue, which is why Part 10 ends in such an open fashion. With the "Fell is lying" comment I was trying to create some intrigue to play with when I write the next part. If he isn't the final incarnation (assuming that is what is meant), the source of the Matroyshka, why does he say he is? etc etc. What else might he have been lying about? etc etc. When I do get around to it, I will give the whole thing a plot and a storyline before I start writing it, however

I really enjoyed writing this, but the lack of structure has been annoying (to me as well as to you).

Thanks for reading everyone who followed it all the way through, and thanks for the great comments

Sholto

Popsumpot

That was just awesome man, nuff said

Apocalypse_now1

The many segment way is generally how I write, breaking events down into daily parts, but you do tend to lose some of the train of thought and best ideas.
Still I liked the story and it worked.

Robert Frazer

Apologies for not responding to this earlier, this weekend I've been busy with Skill at Arms (rifle shooting - only without the shooting) in the lavish tropical resort of Ripon, Yorks, basking contendly in the balmy January heat...

Anyway, Sholto, I'll edit this post with some final thoughts this evening - shower, sleep, church, and TEATEATEA are pulling at me in all different directions at the moment.

Apocalypse_now1

Skill at arms without the shooting? What is it marksmanship principles or firing positions?

Sir Plasma

I'm still a bit confused about what the old guy [fendhral?] does

Sholto

He has protective abilities, able to shield squads and himself. It just never found a place in the story

Sholto

Robert Frazer

With reference to Part Nine - I'm much obliged that I was able to provide some creative input into the story, Sholto.

Part Nine was a rollicking high-octane ride from start to finish, without any doubt, and such a dramatic ascent as that puts an exciting climax well within reach. I particularly liked the snickering and stabbing talons that characterised the Tyranid "centifex" that the unfortunate Lekh was diced by - a superbly heroic event, by the way, with the David and Goliath situation of one man standing against a monstrosity, and also proudly maintaining his ancestors' expectations to the last, even if that last was a tragedy.

The twist of Bile's prescence was also well-realised - I myself was wondering why the Obliterators were deciding to intervene just at that moment, and Fabius's diabolical experiments tie in with that very neatly. It's also a strange sort of cavalry that's come to the rescue... :devil:

Speaking of rescues, the arrival of the Inquisitorial forces was also interesting, because rather than a convenient deus ex méchane it added a further twist to an already roaring whirlwind. The detritus left strewn about once it blows itself out will be interesting to see...

Sholto

I'm afraid Part 10 falls a bit short in that regard - bit of a let-down really. Forcing myself to write a part a day without any advance plotting really showed its downside Not something I'll be trying again, although I have learned a lot from doing this.

Thanks. He might have been an unpleasant character, but I thought he deserved a better send-off than "Oh, Lekh. Yeah, he died." And one of the fun things about tyranids is there are so many variations you can think up, almost none of which are fluff-breakers! I liked "entomosaurs" as another name for nids, as well - I haven't seen that used anywhere before. "Insect-lizard" is a literal translation.

This story is almost a prequel to a much larger story I could have a lot of fun writing: our mysterious Inquisitor on the trail of Bile; Bile working on something terrible and wonderful involving Tyranid dna and ... Obliterators? Chaos Marines? Defilers?; Vhuna and Koju going to work for the same Inquisitor, possibly helping fight Bile's schemes; Vhuna trying to find out the truth behind Fell's lies and Marotte's manipulations. Lots of interesting plotty stuff to explore

Sholto

AEKaBeer

Sholto, that's some quality writing there. I can't wait for the next installment (whenever that may be) and don't be too hard on yourself over part 10, it wasn't bad at all and overall worked out well.

Touristo

Excellent story Sholto. Especially liked the banter and dialogue between Vhuna and Koju, hope we get to read more of their adventures together in the future. Marotte makes for one intesting character too, although of course Fell remains the great curious mystery since we don't really get to meet him or learn anything of his powers(beyond that they scare even the strongest two personas before him). I don't suppose you've done any other stories around here, have you Sholto? Your writing is quite good, I wouldn't mind reading some more of it.